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<3 Me

Ain't That Funnay...

Most of you might not know this, but I'm a really sensitive person. There are a lot of things I'm insecure about when it comes to myself. Maybe that's not the best word? Maybe "unsure" is more like what I'm trying to say. Either way, it always puzzles me when I stop to think about "friends".

I've put the quotes in because, when I think about things right now, I don't really have a whole lot of friends left. With Caden here, being a single mom, and moving across the country... well... it puts me in an odd group I guess.

Plus, I'm picky about who I call a friend these days. I dont like to throw that term around without it meaning something. You have to earn the right to be called a friend of mine. And mainly you earn that by showing me you're someone I can get along with and someone I can trust.

To expand on the getting along part... I'm wondering tonight why I never really fit in with so many of the other women at the playgroup. I could try to blame it on the fact that most of them were married and I wasn't, but really, I know that's not it. I just didnt click with them, even though I tried. Oh, yeah, what a laugh. I tried so hard to connect with so many of them. But it didn't happen.

Anyway, I randomly see them around or bump into them and it's very weird for me. I dont really have anything against most of them. There were only a very very select few that I honestly didn't like. But still I know that it would never work to try and repair bridges or become friends again.

I don't really go there anymore. I don't really see a point. There are far too many that I don't get along with to make it worth my time to go for the few I enjoy being around. And now especially since so many are talking about being pregnant or starting to try for another baby... I feel so left out. I feel jealous at their having more kids already. Not being married, just that they have having another baby. I would love to be in a financial position to have another right now.

But either way, I still sit here at night, alone, wishing I had someone to talk to. My photography keeps me busy, there's always something to work on there, and school is soon going to be kicking my butt. But I still miss those random pointless conversations. Those quirky inside jokes. And the private vents and snarks that I shared once upon a time.

I wish I had the ability to eat more crow and talk to some of them and explain I never had anything against them. Really. It was just those two. Honest.

But I don't think they'd care.

Poison Control.

I am posting this because I want to remind all mommies to plug in the number for Poison Control into their cell phones and memory.

If you have a poisoning emergency, call

1-800-222-1222

I had to use this number yesterday. I was proud of myself for being able to keep my wits about me. Yes I was. Thankfully it wasn't a real serious situation. It started with Caden waking up at 5 AM as he seems to be wanting to do these days. 5 AM is just too early for me, I don't think I'm technically alive that early. So I've rearranged my bedroom into a little safe haven for him and I let him out of the crib when he wakes up really early, turn on the TV and I snuggle back in bed while he plays with his toys.

Yesterday about fifteen minutes after I did this I was woken up by a peculiar giggle. Much too happy giggle. The kind of giggle where you know someone did something they weren't supposed to. Yeah that kind. I opened my eyes to see Caden covered in some sort of white mess and gleefully laughing at himself. A closer look noticed a tube of Desitin Creamy in his hands.

This is where the cussing and groaning started.

So I wiped him up, cleaned all the white creamy-ness I could find. Changed his clothing and diaper. Then picked up the Desitin tube and looked on the back. Who knows how much he actually ingested. I don't think he ate much, but never know... The tube, of course, says to contact poison control.

*sigh*

Just what I wanted to do before heading off to class for the day.

So I jumped online and looked up the number ( 1-800-222-1222) and spent two minutes talking to a helpful and reassuring voice. "Give him something to drink, watch him, expect a little diarrhea".

And that was that.

But it made me realize, I never would have thought to double check to see if someone had put the diaper bag in a corner of my room. But it was there, he got into it, and now I know better. And now I know the number to poison control (800-222-1222) hopefully after seeing it three times you do too. And should the unthinkable happen and we need to call them, we'll both have the number programed into our phone.

My Boy Loves Me

I've been thinking about writing about this for awhile, just havn't sat down to get it out of me. It's an odd concept, talking about your child's sexuality or how he will become a sexual being one day. You look at his tiny face, those teeny toes, wide open eyes brimming full of innocence. How could you ever think about the idea that one day this baby will be engaged in sex with another human (I'm PC enough to not discount the idea that he *could* be attracted to men at some point).

But when you go pick him up out of his crib, lay down on the bed, and go to change his diaper, WHAM! His little pee-pee has grown over night by four times, at least. When the hell did that happen? He's not supposed to be packing anything THAT big yet. That doesn't happen until puberty when I will have been long shut out of his bedroom while he changes or showers. Then it hits me, it didn't grow, he's just excited.

Cade never was one to get the infant erections. I heard whispers of mothers of boys commenting on how young boys get a little excited from time to time. But until recently I never noticed such a phenomena. And I certainly never read about this in any parenting magazine or e-letter sent to me by the million of companies trying to sell me their formula or toys. It's almost like it's a taboo topic. Don't talk about your son's erections. It's off limits. Well, not to me.

So I begin the mental battle of forever knowing that my son's first arousal's were witnessed by me. What a thought to hoard over his future bride. LOL. And, of course, there is a small part of me who, when we take off that diaper and I see how happy he is to see me, fills with pride when I realize he really *is* packing down there. No future lover of his is going to have complaints that his momma didn't give him what he needs. A good head, manners, strong work ethic, and equipment that works. Yep, he's set for life.

But, of course, we're not supposed to talk about such things. Well I guess my twisted mind just works differently than most, but I DO think about such things. When I was rocking him to sleep, I used to wonder who his first kiss would be with. Would it mean anything to him or would he just be a sweaty palmed teenager trying to get some with the first available girl in order to prove something to his buddies. How long will he manage to go before having sex? Will he be strong enough to wait until marriage? Will he be smart enough to wait through high school? Will he be confident enough to use protection? These are the battles I think about.

Part of that may stem from being a single mom to a boy though. There are things about men I don't understand, and I do believe men are different from women in many ways. Things I would explain to a girl I would have a tough time trying to figure out how to get a boy to understand. So when it comes to him growing up, getting older, and trying to have "talks" with him about sex, drugs, dating, school, life, computers... I get little beads of perspiration forming along my hairline trying to figure out how I'll get him to understand the words coming out of my mouth.

Parenting sure is a stressful job. When do I get my raise?

Freaking Hilarious

We watched "Blades of Glory" this weekend and the entire family was rolling on the floor laughing so hard our sides hurt.

Awesome movie.

Stewie, LOL!

That's so me, taking pictures of lawn chairs & shadows.

Sick

I'm very sick right now. I have no clue if I have the flu or what but I've spent the last two nights in a mixture of the chills or sweating myself skinny. All day yesterday I tried to keep my eyes open and moving forward, I crashed soon after Caden did.

His birthday party was awesome. Will post pictures soon, I promise.

Here's something to make you laugh.

Well that was easy

FOB had his court date today.

Rewind - 3 months ago FOB was driving while intoxicated (drunk off his a$$) and "someone" cut him off on a back road and he swerved to miss their car and ended up flipping his own and landing upside down in a ditch walking away without a scratch on his body.

First court date gave him 90 days to complete a set of classes and be evaluated by an addiction specialist or something.

Today, I get myself and my baby up at 6:30 AM to take FOB's behind to court since he told me his parents wouldn't take him. He had told me that he also hadn't completed the classes because of some reason or another. We get to court, the attorney comes out and talks to him, he walks in (I can't go because I have the baby and there is a huge brightly colored sign there which says "Absolutely No Children Allowed" however, upon close inspection I see another more official looking rules list which allows children in "extreme" circumstances. I wonder if pure curiosity counts? I decided not to risk it). Either way, Jason is only in there a total of five minutes, two of those being him actually interacting with the judge, then he walks out of the court room all smug like and says "It's over."

We continue down to the cashier's office where he pulls out a blank check from his parents and pays off the $890 fine. And we leave. And that's that.

I am appalled.

I can intellectually pause and say that it's no business of mine that his parents (once again) fronted the money to pay him out of trouble while ignoring their two grandchildren who don't receive squat and struggle to figure out how everything will be paid for each month. It's not my concern and I should be thankful that he did not go to jail (which I kinda am) and did not get too harsh a punishment for his DUI, yada yada.

But right now I'm spitting mad. I'm angry at our judicial system and feel scammed. Here we see commercials talking about cracking down on drunk driving, radio sponsorships by the traffic departments reminding people they drink and drive they go to jail, and all he walks out with is an $890 fine and a piece of paper telling him to "make sure" he completes his classes within 90 days. (The same classes he was supposed to have completed BEFORE going in for sentencing.) So are we now waiting for a person to injure or kill someone before we actually stick them with probation, reasonable fees, and a restricted license?

Maybe part of my anger comes from seeing my friend a fellow single mom (who lost her baby a year ago on the 19th, RIP) struggle to keep food on the table and get slapped with $4500 in fines for driving on a suspended license (from work) because she couldn't pay a speeding ticket. She was just doing what she had to do, working to keep food in her baby's belly, and ended up with 6 months of extreme headache, impounded car, and outrageous fees because she drove 5 MPH over the posted speed limit coming home from work one night anxious to see her baby. Meanwhile, a jobless loser drives while completely trashed out of his noggin' and he walks out with a measly $890 fine and a piece of paper telling him to take a couple classes and never do it again. Just seems to be hurting the wrong people here.

Then, while we're leaving the court house, I ask if he has gas money for me for driving him around, etc. He replies "Well, how much do you need?" I think that did me in. Apparently it's too much to just fill up a tank for $30 after I've been driving his butt around all weekend (and don't forget driving his kids around too for him since he can't drive) and instead he has to sit there and ask me how much gas it took to drive him to the court house.

I know I'm blinded but unnecessary anger right now. I know come tomorrow half of this wont matter anymore. But I told A to go ahead and press for the warrant for backed CS if she needs the money. If his parents are willing to pay to keep him out of jail, well... She should get her money then. Especially when he has the nerve to tell the court originally (before they announced the amount of the fine) that he could pay $500 today and the rest within two weeks. Oh really? How about you send some up for your kid(s) then.

Oh a brighter note, he did agree to sign off on Caden. Now I just need to figure out where a notary public will be on Saturday.

Always be a good boy

I am struggling with how to deal with the idea that Jason is going to go to jail on Friday.

It's not my problem. I know this. But still I struggle.

I need better coping skills.

Freedom...

This brings back memories... and yes I actually have CDs of old greats that I enjoy listening too.



I was driving along today thinking back on my childhood summers and how I used to go with my dad to Petoskey for his annual softball tournament. It was just him and I and his team mates. He would spend the day playing games and I would spend the day wandering along the shoreline playing in the rocks and the lake. I would be off on my own for hours at a time.

And it hit me, what the hell was my dad thinking? But at the same time, those are some of the best times I remember. And then I thought to my son, what is his childhood going to be like? I'm a big supporter of children needing "wandering off" time to play on their own and pretend whatever their imagination dreams up. I want Cade to have the opportunity to go out, get dirty, get in trouble, and come home for dinner and a bath.

off to catch up on "The Hills"

But why is all the Rum gone?

Jason says (11:51 AM):
am i gonna see you alot when im up there or prolly not
Sarah says (11:52 AM):
I dont know about me, but you'll have a lot of time with Cade.
Jason says (11:52 AM):
why not you
Sarah says (11:52 AM):
I dont know, I have other things I need to do
Jason says (11:52 AM):
good answer
Jason says (11:53 AM):
could just say you dont want ot see me
Jason says (11:53 AM):
that would work to
Jason says (11:53 AM):
but on that note imma go hop in the shower
Jason says (11:53 AM):
and go out and do stuff
Jason says (11:53 AM):
since im a loser and all and im not good enuff for you to spend time with



I don't get it. I don't know how to respond and be civil. I don't know why he continues to do this. I don't know how to get him to understand that there is no romantic interest, I just want to find a way for us to be friends and get along because of Caden.

For Real?

So FOB and I are instant messaging tonight and he fills me in that he talked to his mom yesterday and mentioned that my mom had flown up early with Caden. His mom gets upset that no one told her or "let" her see Caden.

Sarah says (12:29 AM):
Love your mom but she has no right to be upset
Jason says (12:30 AM):
well hes been in michigan how long and nobody let her see him
Jason says (12:30 AM):
thats why shes upset he is only her grandson and your mom is around him every single day
Jason says (12:31 AM):
and she gets to see him um never and she said she called you a few times

Sarah says (12:36 AM):
no one helped me with my ticket, no one has sent anything - money or otherwise - to help me with Caden in months. The last few times I've be in the area your parents have always had other plans they went and did rather than spend time with Caden. Even this time, they're going to their golf outing tomorrow rather than see him. So forgive me if I'm not about to bed over backwards to figure out...
Sarah says (12:36 AM):
when a good time is. They've called once, two days ago, I didnt get a chance to call back until tonight. I've been busy with finals, not avoiding anyone. Today is the first day that Caden was in the area, and I had assumed that I would be taking him over to their house tomorrow night
Sarah says (12:37 AM):
however, I guess now they're going to be busy so that won't work and they will have to wait until Saturday.



Seriously? Are we getting this petty and catty? Are they really going to get all pissy because my mom flew up a couple days early and went to visit my Aunt in another city and I didnt TELL them? I was unaware they cared so much about seeing their grandson, cared so much about seeing him that they'd wait a whole extra day before seeing him so they could go to their golf outing.

*eye roll*

Things are so much easier when I'm in Texas.

Leaving... on a jet plane.

Back in ten days.

I need to write more...

I used to write, a lot. I used to write stories, articles, novellas, just about anything you could think of. I had tons of nearly finished novellas that would sit on my harddrive for ages until I deleted them because I couldn't stand to see them all unfinished.

And last night as I was trying to get to sleep early because my son was not in the house to keep me up (a blessing) I realized how much I miss writing. I really really miss it. I miss creating the characters and getting to know them and watching them grow throughout the story. I miss not knowing how I want the story to end and being surprised when I finally figure it out.

I need to write again. I need to find a way to start and just do it, even if I only update once a week, I can devote an hour once a week to writing. Really it's not that hard.

Then again, when will I learn to not take on so much all the time?

ergh.

<3 Me

ps - Baby is in Michigan. Went up early with my mom.

Lock up them High Heeled Shoes...

For the next five days... I'm just a typical college student without an infant to chase around the house.

This feels like heaven on earth...



Of course, I cried myself to sleep last night knowing how much I'd miss him and had to pull him in bed with me and snuggle all night long.

<3 Me

*sniff sniff*

This morning Cade surprised us with a lovely "poop crib". He had somehow taken off his diaper and then filled his crib with clumps of carrot poop. Oh yes, it was the kind of poop that you can tell exactly what was for dinner the night before.

And it stunk.

So my mom held his hands so I could wipe the clumps of poop off his legs so he could go in the bathtub, and then I stripped his crib sheets & washed his crib down. New sheets were put on, it all was perfect. After lunch we were ready for nap time and I gave him his bottle and shut the door as usual.

For some reason today he couldn't go to sleep and screamed for 30 minutes before my brother came into the living room and goes

"I got him to stop crying."

"How?"

"I have him the monster thing and he curled up with it and went to sleep."

DOH!!! I forgot to give him a blanket to cuddle with. I snuck into the room and watched him sleeping, but having the crying hiccups every few minutes, the kind you get after you've cried yourself to sleep, and I felt bad.

I mean, I felt really really bad.

What kind of mother forgets to give her kid a blanket to nap with when she KNOWS he needs one.

aye.

Hate me if you want to...

love me if you can ...




Time to get back to studying for my tests next week. I have one on the nervous system and then the comprehensive final exam.

Toodles.

<3 Me

My Love Bug

Caden must be dyslexic. I go "Ma Ma" and he smiles and goes "Da Da" We play this game for hours some days and today I walked in to get him and he smiled at me and said "Da Da" I'm not sure how I feel about this exactly, although for now it makes the workings of a funny baby story for later years in life.

I talked to Jason last night and planted the first seed of having him sign away his parental rights. We agreed to talk about it more when we're in Michigan. I'm trying not to get too optimistic about everything, but it sounds like he is willing to think about it and consider it.

Blondie and I had talked a little about going out to celebrate the end of lab yesterday, but plans fell through and I spend my night with a cold beer and DVD player. It was a relaxing end to a long week. However today I've been feeling a little off. Like I'm getting sick perhaps? For the first time in months I took a nap today. I never nap, even when Caden was a newborn I hardly napped during the day.

There is a friend of a friend with a new baby this week, I offered to take pictures. I'll have to call on that later. See if I can come up with anything good.

To those who participated in my pissing contest yesterday, thanks for the time, hope you said everything you wanted too, but I'm now closing down the contest and leaving it behind. My final thoughts are as follows though :

I'm human. I make poor judgments. I make good judgments. Either way everything is always a learning experience and nothing should be turned into a grudge, especially over someone you've never met off line. I have a much better life now than I did before. I have more inner peace than at any other time in my life that I can remember, but I still have bad days and I still get upset and frustrated. Sometimes I just need to shoulder to whine and cry on with nothing more than someone to pat my head and tell me to wipe my tears and keep going. I'm emotional, what can I say, it's who I am.

I dont expect everyone to understand. I don't seek anyone's approval. I live my life for one purpose now, to provide for my son. To give him everything he needs. And part of doing that is to utilize the resources available to me. Although my finances are none of your concern, at the moment the only governmental aid I'm on is WIC. They give me $120 in checks each month for Cade's formula. I dont use the checks for cereal or juice because Cade doesnt eat either of those with any regularity. People tried to suggest that I shouldn't use the checks because I can afford the formula because of my parents. My parents aren't wealthy, and Caden is not their financial responsibility, he is mine. As long as I am making progress towards my own financial independence (finishing my education) I will use whatever the government has made available to me, and use it without shame or remorse.

The money saved from using assistance does not get spent carelessly. And how the money is spent is none of your business. You pay taxes. As soon as the money is handed to the government how it is spent is out of your hands. If they decide that I qualify for help with formula, that's their call. If the White House has the cash to blow billions and billions of dollars on a war for half a decade forgive me for not feeling guilty for accepting help with keeping formula for my son stocked while I'm a broke ass college student.

And I don't have a Gucci purse or Prada shoes. I havn't bought myself any new fashion clothing items since I've been pregnant. I don't drive a BMW because I don't have a car because I can't afford a monthly insurance payment. I don't have my nails done and when I do get a haircut it's at the mercy of my mother. I bought myself a camera off Ebay as an investment. It's an investment in a source of creative outlet for me and hopefully a source of income eventually. It was bought with the rest of my Christmas money & an advance on my birthday money. None of the government's money was used in buying the camera.

This bugs me though. That someone would think I'm milking the system while I'm doing exactly what it wants me to do. I'm getting my education at a lightening pace so in three years, JUST three short years, I'll be completely financially independent and wont need any assistance at all. Isn't that the end goal?

Anyway, like I said, pissing contest over. Any more pissing comments will be denied as I'm going back to my regularly scheduled blogging. Thanks & have a great day.


<3 Me

to explain

I deleted a post because I didn't feel it fair to bring someone into a pissing contest who didn't ask to be involved.

However, I'm still up for one and would encourage you to email me if you'd like to continue...

Ranting and Raving has left a new comment on your post "Because I feel like getting into a pissing match ...":

Don't flatter yourself, that was my first comment, and this will be my last.

I am not part of "some group" that keeps leaving you unsigned comments. I am simply an individual that has sat around and watched you bitch and moan about how horrible your life is, seeking sympathy and attention, when it seems you are better off than most.

You bring in no income, mooch off the government, bitch that you lost WIC checks when you probably shouldn't even be collecting them in the first place, complain about your free daycare situation, and yet you have the audacity blow money on an extravagent camera.

It's ironic that you mention some group hounding you when you've been blowing smoke and high praise up Trish's ass all day. You're like a little puppy dog that is lost without somebody to follow.


Trish stands up for herself. I like that. She doesn't deserve to be bashed the way she was. And my finances are none of your concern, but thank you for your thoughts.

I do take offense at your idea that I am mooching off the government. You and everyone else know my situation and living circumstances and if I use the resources available to me while I am completing my education so that I will not longer have to use government assistance in order to provide for my son, how is that mooching? That's what they're there for. I hardly moan about my life being horrible anymore, but like any other breathing human being I have complaints and useless vents. I get frustrated and angry and make mistakes and sometimes I even just need a good cry to clear my head. That's what this place is for. This is my cry place. I like it here. I can say whatever I want to say and there's nothing you can say to that. So, again, if you don't like me, don't like what I say, don't like what I do, please don't waste your time on me.

Lab is OVER!!!

Finished the last Lab test today. I made a 96 on it, so my grades in Lab are 98 on the first test 97 on the quizzes and 96 on the second test. Next week is the last lecture test and our final and then I'm FREE for a whole week before fall session starts.

*sigh*

It's a very good day...

So I must admit that I heard this song by Ingrid Michaelson and it's all stuck in my head and I can't get it out of there. I hate when that happens. And I'm the kind of person who will randomly burst into song just because I've been singing it in my head and I got to the good part and no longer can hold it inside me.

Yes I'm weird. I know. I like it.

We had a test today. To back up, last week Friday I did a session with a newborn (3 weeks) to try and get some practice in. My mom watched Cade for me and the second I got home she and I got into it (again) and spent the rest of the weekend giving each other the silent treatment. This is so frustrating to me. I feel like she is forever hounding me and criticizing me over things that she either has no input or control over, or that she needs to understand I have way to change. I'm in summer school, I work my butt off, I barely have time to do anything I want to do so forgive me if my room is a pigsty. It's really, honestly, not a priority for me. I dont care that the clean clothes are piled high on my bed. I know I should, but I don't. And I would love to help scrub the floors and do the toilets, but it's hard to dig out the chemicals and do that while Cade is crawling around. And when he sleeps, one I can't work on my room but two I'm usually studying.

Anyway, all that to say that I didnt get a lot of quality study time in over the weekend since no one was able to help me with Cade. It was fine, he and I had a good weekend together and go out and about. I even managed to get a couple cute pictures of him. But when it came to studying it was a no go nearly all weekend. A few nights I was able to look things over and sunday night I read through my notes slightly, but I went into the test expecting to get a lower grade than normal and have it be my dropped test. I ended up getting a 93 on it.

I'm so excited with how well I'm doing in this class. I love learning and having it be actually challenging. I was one of those lucky people in high school who never had to study because I always understood everything and I HATED to memorize facts because they seemed to useless to me. Why do I have to know that date in history? I dont care about the date, I just want to know what happened. But I'm thrilled things are going so well so far. Let's just hope I can keep it up this fall.

Speaking of... Blondie asked me today what class I'm in for this fall so he could sign up for it too.

*raise eyebrow*

All the fall nursing classes filled up two days after registration opened. Which I've said to him for weeks now. Thankfully though two women from my current class (Damn Precious & Bobbie [so named because she has a bob cut, ha!]) are taking the same class as I am so I will have some familiar company to study with.

Wednesday is our second lab test. I plan to stay after tomorrow until the tutorial lab closes to finish studying and hopefully pull another high A (managed a 98 last test) so I wont have to stress out about the final next week.

Back to reality...

Veronica - did you get my note?

Feeling the need for a new look.

I'm thinking it's time I sat down and redid my blog layout. It's getting a little old for my tastes.




Cade is doing good, just growing too fast. Way too fast.

It never works...

I keep telling myself that it's just because he's the first guy I've been able to interact with since being down here. Since J and I broke up. Since I got into the mess with B and started to move on.

I think I'm just horny. I can't get him out of my mind tonight. Don't really understand it. If I sit down and am honest with myself I can say he has qualities about him which I dont need. He's scatterbrained. Very smart, but seems to lack a sense of responsibility/ common sense / maturity. He's nice, very nice. Very Justin Timberlake-ish cute. (Looks like he's 15) And his momma likely does his laundry for him.

So very not what I need.

But, damnit, I need a date, a conversation with a guy, a casual flitation, a seductive evening, a spinning kiss... I need to get laid.

I know it's just the "first guy" syndrome. but it still sucks. *sigh*

Doesnt help that HE found my on myspace and added me. Just makes me sit there and think "How far can I push this flirting thing before something happens" I'm a good flirt, I know this, but that doesnt mean I should be using my abilities unless I have a reason. But, dammit, he flirted back!!! And he thinks I'm smart.

Do you know how cool that is? To have a guy think you're smarter than they are? Never had that before. Never had so many people consider me to be the "smart" one of the class. It's an interesting feeling.

Watched "Because I Said So" tonight. God that is so going to be my life. Seriously.

sleep.

RIP - Honey - 13 yrs

RIP - Honey - 13 yrs
Click to view full size.

Meet Honey. A happy-go-lucky Golden, she was the perfect dog from start to finish. Sure she shedded too much, carried a few extra pounds, and had a need for attention that got on your nerves once in awhile. But she was perfect. As you can see, the kids could climb all over her and she didnt bat an eye. She loved it.

I can't believe she's gone. I miss her already. For 8 years she was my dog and slept with me at night and let me cuddle with her. We used to set up jumping courses in my grandparent's yard and I would train her to jump over them. She was everything I wanted in a dog.

She passed the other night, unexpectedly. My grandmother said she was cooking dinner when she noticed Honey acting funny. She sat down and petted her for a few minutes, heard Honey gasp, then realized she was gone. I will be up at their house in a few weeks for vacation. It will seem so empty and alone.

Just a General Post

Dr. House continues to poke and message me on FaceBook. It's comical conversation, but still... I've spent so much of my life having friendships over the internet with people I never met or only saw once every couple years, and I'm trying to move past that now. Even though some of my best friends are people I've met online, I want people here where I am that I can visit and talk to and go out with. I'm about to cut Dr. House off and tell him to find someone closer because otherwise, knowing me, suddenly I'll realize I kinda like him a few months down the road and then I'll be back in the lame pitiful spot I've been before.

Did I mention I Cyber Stalked Blondie and found out he's 21 and dating a 17 yr old? Yeah. Made my stomach churn a little. When did 17 become a "kid". Wasn't I 17 just a couple months ago and thinking I was the top shit? Wasn't I 19 just a couple days ago and thinking I had it all figured out? And just a few hours ago wasn't I 21 and the coolest chick to live on the planet? Wow... how time changes.

I have a long week in front of me (again) Classes never used to be this hard, not hard so much that I dont understand. Hard in that I actually have to make an effort to seal my A. Go Figure.

Rough Day

It's been a rough day. Really rough. I hate days like these. The kind where you just feel so angry it flows through your veins and all you can think about is finding a place to put your fist.

And now I am throwing myself a pity party and watching "The Notebook" and I realize how, still, it hurts not being near him. He sends me a text once in awhile, or will call. Sometimes I answer, most of the time I don't. But still...

When do these movies stop reminding me of him? I don't think of him everyday like I used to. Just once in awhile, and it hits me so hard when it happens.

I just want to be happy again inside. Wholly happy. I'm trying so hard to get there. I see the baby steps I've taken, I know I have a long way to go yet.

Susan... just hush. LOL. I know you have a huge lecture for me...

DAMNIT! Blondie Update...

Well I found out today he's 21 (so younger, but not TOO young) Go figure he's also worked in an insurance agency? And he likes to DJ. Like one thing after another I hear and I think "Hmmmmmmmm, this could be interesting."

And I couldn't stop staring at his ass. His boxers were peeking through between his jeans & shit and I kept thinking "I wanna bite him."

Wow it's been awhile since I had any adult fun.

So I'm pouting tonight. Because I kinda was starting to feel like it'd be fun to maybe get to know him better, like be friends and study partners and see if anything else came of it. But he has a GF. He mentioned her tonight... as he was ripping the fur off the cat's head. He had to stop and take a picture to show his GF.

If he wasn't so damn delicious I wouldn't care, but it's not right to suggest a study date when I've got these tingles that I'd love to act upon and I know he's seeing someone else.

*sigh*

Now if HE suggested it... ;) lol.

I dont need a serious BF or anything like that. I just need someone to sit & have a beer with and trade emails with and see a movie once in awhile. I dont even need to kiss or makeout, I just miss that companionship. I've always gotten along better with guys than girls. I miss having a guy friend.

a quote I'm loving...

Charcoal is generally made from wood that has been burnt, or charred, while being deprived of oxygen so that what's left is an impure carbon residue. However, add enough pressure, and you get a diamond, one of the most valuable gems on the planet.

I'm Charcoal and I'm under pressure, and one day I'm going to come out as a diamond.

This is so me...

She got her daddy's tongue and temper
Sometimes her mouth could use a filter
God shook his head the day he built her
Oh, but I bet he smiled.
She loves and lives her life unruly
Tears up that dirt road up in a dualy
Dangerous, absolutely.
And in a little while...
She'll be roundin' that corner on three wheels
Ain't slowin down, yellin "Come on, jump in"
Always up to somethin, crazy got nothin' on her

Chorus:
She ain't right, she ain't right
She ain't right, but she's just right for me


She says she wants to meet my momma
I said, I don't think you oughta
Be like mixin' oil and water
But by midnight she had
momma on the coffee table dancin'
Comin' unwound
Good God I swear, can't take her anywhere
What's the girl gonna do next

Chorus:
She ain't right, she ain't right
She ain't right, but she's just right for me

Every once in a while she'll give me that smile and say,
I just don't see somebody like you lovin' somebody like me
She ain't right, naw she ain't right
She ain't right

She ain't right, she ain't right
She's just right, she's just right,
She's just right for me
Mhhmmm she's just right, she's just right.
She ain't right, she's just right for me.

Another Update, so we can laugh together...

So that guy... We'll call him Blondie. He does this adorable "Mmmmm Mmmmmm Mmmmm" he does when he's thinking about something he doesnt quite get. But it's funny, because he's taller than me (a requirement in my book) and he's in college (a total plus) but he's YOUNG. I havn't asked him, but I saw his liscence is the one that's vertical for those who are under 21. Also, this sounds bad, but some of you will understand, sometimes when I talk to him I don't feel like he and I are on the same plane. Granted our conversations are pretty much all about A&P, but still, for me, this class is a medium difficulty level. I do have to study, but I'm not anywhere near over my head. I manage to get things easily enough, he needs lots of studying to get it. I stayed after in the tutorial lab yesterday for 5 hours helping some of my classmates study for the exams next week, and he came in and joined us, and it was painful to me to figure out how to explain things. I think by the end I was getting better at it, but painful in the beginning because he didnt seem to get anything.

He's not dumb (I don't think), he just learns in a totally different way than I do, which makes it hard to learn together.

Anyway, so my hopes and daydreams of finding someone to date were tossed aside. We might get together Sunday to study for the test(s) but I'm not counting on it. I had a couple study group invites actually, but it's just too hard with Cade right now, and this test, while tough, is not over my head. Maybe next time...

I just left school on Thursday feeling so happy at having so many hours of adult interaction. And who knew you could get so excited about a good slide of mitosis? LOL.

There's this guy...

In my class who's really cute and we're dissecting a cat together.

Yes, we're spending time together outside of class scraping skin and fat off a cat and finding the muscles (and other parts). Great conversation starter when you go "Hold on a minute I think I can just tear this off" and fatty tissues fly across the room.

Damn Precious and I have been talking more though. Oh, yeah, I didnt TELL you. *smile* Remember the girl I tried to hook up with though my teacher's myspace or whatever? She's in my class, we sit next to each other and seem like maybe we'll get together outside of class. I hope so.

I'm so tired my eyes are watering and I can't stop yawning. Maybe tomorrow....

Where to begin?

I'm just SO freaking busy right now. :( It's hard to keep up.

Did an AWESOME photoshoot with a couple cool chicks.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/strongreflections/sets/72157600828207393/

Going back for more soon.

have my domain www.rockthefrock.com set up to point to http://www.myspace.com/rockthefrock right now until I get a better site set up. However it's not directing it there? WTF? Too busy to look into it right now.

A&P has started and is off to a running start, two tests tomorrow and again next week.

I'll try to write more soon. :(

Miss this palce.

That research paper...

The one that nearly killed me when the computer lost it? Yeah that one? 148/150.

I'm so proud.

History of World Religions

Just finished my exam, should nail and A in that class. So excited. Still have English to go with a presentation...

I'm 23 years old today. It's such a hard age for me to turn. I'm no longer a "young" adult, now I'm a full fledged adult. I look around at friends from high school who are getting married and buying houses and starting families and I think to myself "but they're not old enough!" I still feel so young, so much like a child sometimes.

And yet... I think back to when I lived with him and how very much grown up and independent I felt then.

I know it's crazy, yes it's insane, but I talked to him today. He called to wish me a happy birthday and we talked, and I admitted that I still wanted to marry him just as before. It's true. I still think into the future about having more kids, about buying a house, about being a soccer mom. And it's always the same. Cade and I are together I graduate college, buy a house, redo the house, and then slowly he creeps back in and suddenly he's there by my side holding my hand and feeding me ice chips while I'm laboring with our baby.

I'm thankful that I'm settled enough and ambitious enough that I'm not about to fantasize about running off to be with him. No I'm much more grown up than that now. But he told me that he'd quit smoking weed. He'd gone 5 days now without it. That his head was so much clearer now. He wants to have babies with me.

*half smile*

I told him I was proud of him, which I am, but so much of me screams "tell him it's too late and be done with it." but I can't. I'm still in love with him as much as it hurts to admit.

Thankfully I no longer feel the need to HAVE to get over him NOW. It'll come in time I suppose. Or it'll be replaced if it doesnt. and even if I never find a man to share my life with I'm strong enough to find enjoyment alone. I have dreams and ambitions, they're great sources of comfort.

I just can't let go of how I can still see the twinkles in his eyes, the smile of the little boy caught with his hand in the cookie jar. The way he'd stare into my eyes before telling me he loved me. The way he still says he loves me. Christ, even the way he'd talk to me through the bathroom door while he went to the bathroom cracks me up.

But I want more than what he gave me. I'm worth more. I know that.

I know that.

Got bruises on my heart and sometimes I get dark

Got bruises on my heart and sometimes I get dark
Click to view full size.

A self portrait of myself and my camera. I kinda like it. :)

no call back...

Edit due to personal request.

Love those. ;)

I met someone

So not what you think!

She's in my class, two years younger, lives on her own with her baby who is one month younger than me and works two jobs while in school full time.

 

I have so much awe and respect for her. I could NEVER be able to pull all that off.

I went home and huggled my son and thanked God that I was able to be so lucky to have the ability to spend so much time with him and not have to work every spare second just to keep his belly full.

I love him.

I'm feeling the need to make another sappy post tonight. I've snuck into his room and watched him sleep. I've rested my cheek on my hand as I lean against the crib and see his tiny body move in rythm with his breathing. I've taken great care to really look at him, to see his smallness, how young and youthful he is. To be able to cherish every moment, that is my goal.

I'm alrady looking back on his baby pictures and shaking my head because I DONT remember it. I dont remember him being that little. I dont remember what it was like to hold him in my hands when he was 2 weeks... 6 weeks. I dont remember what it was like to feel him snuggles close to me breastfeeding and sleeping soundly for an hour at a time. I know that I miss it, but I'm not sure exactly what I'm missing.

I dont want to have those feelings about this time. I want to be able to remember this. I want to be able to look back and remeber when he was crawling around the house in his diaper. His hands smacking on the tile as he motored from one side of the house to the other. His one leg in the air because he never seemed to learn how to keep BOTH knees on the ground.

I want to be able to remember it all.

He doesnt snuggle with me at night anymore. He doesnt sleep with me, I can't rock him to sleep, he's just not a little baby. I was talking to a classmate today about her baby and how they sleep together and I was thinking about how I want that. I would love to be able to just crawl nto bed with Cade and snuggle together. To be able to feel his breath on my nose, his feet kicking into my thighs. There are so many things which I second guess about myself, about my mothering. So many things I wonder if I'm not being too strict, or too uptight about.

*sigh*

Come back and ask me in twenty years.

Fall Semester

I just sat down and registered for my fall semester, 17 credit hours in all. I really think I have gone insane and I'm just waiting for the world to catch up with me. There is no other explanation.

 

So, if I follow the plan I made for myself, I will have just fall and winter semester left before I can transfer to TCU and enter their nursing program. It's going to be rough, really rough, especially since I screwed myself out of an A in my current English class and just clinging to the hope of pulling a B. Either way, not the grades I should be getting and no one to blame but myself.

 

Speaking of English, my amazing and wonderful English teacher wants to learn how to blog so I told her I'd show her and share my blog with her. What was I thinking?!?!? Now she's going to read through my blog and see my spelling and grammar errors and think I'm a dunce. :-D LOL.

 

I have another long night ahead of me. Once again I've pushed things off to the last minute and have a bunch of revisions to make on a paper and an exam tomorrow. I think the organization fairy needs to visit me and share a little of her organization dust with me.

 

Talked to J last night about the late fees. He, of course, blamed Dennis for not returning them on time. Because, again, nothing is EVER J's fault, he's ALWAYS the victim.

 

Say a prayer it's not genetic.

 

<3 Me

"Had I known you wouldn't press for child support I never would have wanted an abortion."

Words I heard today that slammed me into the ground so fast and knocked the breath right out of me. Be careful who you think they came from too.

Got a bill in the mail from the movie place for $170 because two video games and one DVD had not been returned. I called and found out apparently J was not removed from my account like I told them too. *sigh*

I start getting child support and custody stuff going again this week. This is insane. He's been in FL for 3 weeks now and... yeah. Still no job. I'm tired of being a softie. Now that he's not living in MI it will make it so much easier on me to be able to separate him from his family and show them no matter the lack of feelings I may have for their son, I still want them to be involved with Caden.

Speaking of... he decided today was a good day to paint his crib with poop. Thankfully I wasn't home. Har har har. Still disgusting though.

Random

Yes I know this is random and pointless but I wanted to share that I want to buy low-cal Alfredo sauce and a bag of frozen veggies and microwave them together and see if they're as good as the $5.99 mini bags of "Veggies in Cream sauce" that Kroger sells. I swear they're the SAME thing.

Hopefully...

I'm hoping this will be my professional photo blog where I can post updates about my buisness and a sneek peek or two after I have a session.

http://strongreflections.blogspot.com/

Why am I so lucky?

I'm sitting here in a comfortable home while my baby boy sleeps soundly and healthy in his crib in the other room, alive.

And it's running through my head. He is alive and healthy, not to mention beautiful and joyful. He's perfect and wonderful and I'm ever so lucky to be his Momma. I love him.

And I look at Corrine, I see her pain, her suffering, and I weep for her. I can feel the sharp blade of despair press against my heart and merely grant me a small glimmer of what she must have felt, what she must feel everyday when she wakes from dreaming and know that her baby, her child, is gone.

Sometimes I wonder if maybe it's not "normal" for me to be so emotional over this. Other times I know it's perfectly OK as my feelings come and go only when sparked by a picture or a conversation. Still...

I'm putting together my physical portfolio. It's nothing fancy, just a $12 black faux leather scrapbook with black pages and pictures on a white paper to create a border. It's not high class by any means but it's something to take and show people who might be interested.

Nine Months

School Pride
Click to view full size.

I can't get over the fact that he's nine months old already. In three months he will be a year. A whole year. How insane is that!

Just another day

Cant Decide
Click to view full size.

Where I torture my kid with endless pictures in odd places.

Father's Day

He decided today was a good day to start saying "da da da da da"

why do I care?

He's on his way to FL right now, and I'm sitting here worried, watching the clock and wondering why I care. The more I think about it, the more I try to understand, I uncover that there are still feelings burried deep inside. They're not strong, they're not passionate or hot, but they're like the feelings you have for your childhood crush. You just want to know that they're going to be OK even if you no longer want to be with them.

I want a healthy relationship.

There, I admitted it. I want to be in a healthy and supportive relationship with a great guy who everyone loves. I dont want to make excuses or be ashamed of his behaviors or habits. I dont want to have a cringe when I read his emails or IMs, and I dont want to have to deal with someone who has such bad (and illegal)habits that it makes me uncomfortable. And I'm scared I"ll never meet him. A large part of me is OK with being single now. I love my son, I love the direction I'm going in life, and I love all the opportunities in front of me. However, I still have the little girl longing for her prince. I'd love someone to be there at the end of the day to share a drink with and talk about the random nothings that happend during the day before we mosey into bed, make love, and then are seperated by a bad dream or two coming in to cuddle between us.

I want someone to yell at when I'm made, and apologize to when I've cooled off. I want someone who will push me to be my best and not accept anything other than my honest effort.

In class today we read a poem in which there was a line along the lines of "I love you more than all the riches" I dont mind loving a poor man, but I want him to be an honest poor man, and man who's worked hard his life and enjoys what he's doing, but just doesnt make a lot of money doing it.

*sigh*

Back to reality...

<3 Me

BTW - I will soon have my website up and running, but the address will be www.strongreflections.com

Strong Reflections Photography

It's here. Yup I manged to pick a name. Can you believe it? HA! Excited though. I hope this works. I just hope I don't fall on my face and embarass myself.

I talked to a friend today and it hit me.

Thank GOD I got out of there when I did.

Now, I have some awesome friends. I have people in Michigan whom I love and adore and wish nothing but the best. Friends who would drop anything to help me if I needed it. But, I also had friends who were doing nothing to help me move forward in life. They were so consumed with their own faults and shortcomings they preyed upon me and cut me down. And I just realized how much I don't miss many of them.

I'm pretty much friendless here in TX. There are a few people I message on myspace now and again, but overall I just don't care anymore. School keeps me busy. Caden keeps me busy. And now this photography keeps me from sleeping. I don't feel like I have time to care that I'm not the most popular person. I have something better than friends right now, I have ambition and dreams.

Likewise, although I miss and crave the physical benefits of a man, I do NOT miss the trouble they cause and how much TIME it takes. What if I had a boyfriend right now? I'd have to pay attention to him. Men are not like dogs where you can feed and water and shove them out the door. No, they want attention. They like to come up and try to kiss you when you're on the phone, or snuggle right in the middle of your movie or TV show. They're just so damn distracting!

However, they do come in handy once in awhile when you're in the mood.

Speaking of... Jason's DUI hearing is over and he has some classes to take and a restricted license for 90 days. He's moving to FL on Monday though, go figure. *shrugs* I dunno, whatever. He's a big boy, he can make his own decisions. As for me and my son, we will continue to be happy and live well.

Off to homework...

<3 Me

My Love of 8 months

Today I watched you as you crawled away from me to your toy area, pick up a toy and play. We'd just spent 30 minutes or so crawling around the coffee table together, with my eyes tearying up at seeing you coordinate your hands and knees together to move yourself forward with the jerky speed of a drunken turtle, but you were moving. You'd graduated from the inchworm arm crawl to a real baby crawl.

And I realized that today was the first time you'd ever crawled away from me to play with a toy. How bittersweet to know that as proud of you as I am for your growth and maturation, all too soon I will forever be staring at your back watching you walk away from me. It is my only hope that as many times during the day you may run, walk, crawl or scamper away, you will always find yourself coming back at the end of the day.

I need to spend more time updating your (many) baby books. I've slacked off.

How Long? Too Long.

How is it possible to not have enough time to stop by and write about my day? How does five minutes to mention the basic happpenings really affect my sleeping schedules? I guess I can justify anything these days.



Summer school is "fine" but fast paced. I like it. I like not getting a breather during the week (for four days) and then getting the extended weekend to play. Likely as the semester goes on I wont get much play time on the weekend, but this weekend I took full advantage of all my play time with Cade and the pool. He loves to swim.



He loves to swim. He loves being in the water, splashing, kicking. We have a floatie turtle thing he likes to sit in and kick around, and then there is the regular adult float he likes to sit in as well. Such a little fish just like his momma.

We're aslo standing up now. He pulls himself up in his crib, up on the couch, on his toys, on your leg. With this comes more agile crawling and faster crawling times.

Wouldn't you know, though, that the day he actually gets the hang of this crawling thing and takes off is the day the dog has the runs and I'm running around the house trying to beat Cade to the pile o' poo, then use one hand to scrub and one hand to fend him off form getting involved in the process.

I love being a mom.

We made Archer Farms blueberry muffins last night and are enjoying the spoils of our labor this morning for breakfast. It's a good feeling.

And although I'm really enjoying this blogging session, the sky has turned green outside with billowing clouds and I feel my maternal instincts telling me to go check the weather station, "just in case".

Hopefully soon,

Me

Stuck

Cade and I are stuck at the airpost right now. I'm using my laptop while he's crawling around and making a mess. We still have about another hour to wait, been here for 4 already. :( So hard trying to keep him happy.

Jason impresed me this trip with how involved with caden he was. Its nice to know he does care for Cade a great deal, it's nice to have someone to share part of that with. It doesnt change his shortcomings or his past mistakes.

I'm excited to start putting together a portfolio ad try to get this to work. I'll post more of Angie's pictures eventually, they're very nice I'm pleased. I'm encouraged too to see how excited she was with them and how EASY it was to touch them up. It just makes me more excited that maybe I can get this to work, maybe...

I'm going to just leave you with that for now as I'm tired of being a mom and having to care for a cranky 8 month old in the middle of the airport. We were doing so well for awhile too and now he's about to fall apart. We're both tired.

Hopefully once I get home and get a good night's sleep I'll feel more like writing and updating.

My first time with a newborn... 8 weeks old but still small enough to make me cry and try to remember how quickly Caden has grown up himself.

I will write an update soon, hopefully tonight. Just been slammed. :-\

Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day!

Spent a lot of time the past two days with the Manns. They're loving on Cade and he's warming up to them and loving right back. It feels so good to see Hailey again and love on her smile. She's so sweet of heart, the world needs more children like her.

Jason and I took the kids to the park before dropping Hailey off at her mom's. We met another couple there with their 2 yr old boy and I ended up talking to the mother and set up a playdate for tomorrow at the park again. Invited Angie to come too hoping maybe Angie and ParkMom could become friends since both of them dont have many mom friends nearby. It made me a little frustrated that on my second day back to Michigan I run into and make a mommy friend but after nearly 6 months in Texas I've YET to make one. How cruel is that?

Jason and I also decided to take Hailey and Cade to the toledo zoo next week, and then I invited Hailey's younger sister, Layla, to come along as well so Angie could get a day to herself with 6 week old Ben. I could tell she was THRILLED. I would be too. And one more kid isn't much more work, infact they're likely to help entertain each other more rather than Hailey trying to smother Cade all day. I'll just make Jason pull the wagon with the girls and I'll push Cade's stroller. ;)

After getting Cade into bed, Jason and I grabbed and beer and he mentioned he had something he wanted to talk to me about before I go back to Texas. I have a very strong feeling he wants to talk about him and I getting back together. This just hurts me. I dont like having to tell him no. I'm soft. I dont like making people hurt. And I see more and more how deeply he thinks he cares for me. Why?

He talked about his car accident and how it was a wake up call. Good. It only took nearly dying in a car wreck when you were drunk off your ass (he blew a .14) to give you a wake up. Whatever. How can I have sympathy? He said he's been in a funk. Really? I wish I had time to wallow in my funk. I may have issues with my life, but I keep going everyday, keep pushing. I dont have the luxury of fucking up my life. He just IRRITATES me.

I dont know how I'll respond if he does talk about him and I getting together. I DONT want to be with him. Flat out, I don't. It's not even about him having to change. I just dont like for a minute the way he's treated me and what he's put me through. I will never allow my feelings for him to affect him seeing Cade, but I... argh. :-\ I guess it'll never end until I start seeing someone else and he is forced to see I've moved on.

Here's a few pictures of Hailey and Cade. :) I like them.

Test

Just a test to see if this is working... :) Hope you all like the eye candy attched.

Just a meaningless rant...

I don't understand.

Looking back in life it's hard to really understand sometimes the choices you made and the validation you came up with for making the choice you did. I've heard it's a part of life, part of growing up, part of becoming an adult; making mistakes and learning from them. It still doesn't help explain anymore the decisions I made and thought were OK.

I'm struggling with Jason.

I'm struggling because I want to remain on the high road, I want to continue being the better person (although it'd be best if he and I both could be on the high road together) and I want so earnestly for things to be the best they can for Cade.

I know I should expect it to be weird for Jason to be seeing someone new. It's the first time since he and I separated that I've know he was with someone else. And on top of that, he's still attempting to maintain a pretense of wanting and waiting to be with me. Maybe that is what is hurting me. It doesnt matter who lies, a lie always hurts. It doesnt bother me that Jason was kissing someone else, it bothers me that he came out and went "Hello Dear!" like he always does when he answers the phone, and then when her name came up instantly interjected "but we're totally just friends, everyone thinks we're sleeping together but we're not". One, STOP CALLING ME DEAR! I dont like it, it creeps me out, and I've never said it was OK. Two, I don't CARE who you are or aren't sleeping with. It's none of my business, and I'd appreciate it if you'd keep it that way.

I talked to Angie a little today, more horror stories about Jason. It just BLOWS my mind the things he does and how he can not realize how inept he is at life. I know I was there before Cade, I was the chick at the bar every weekend, getting trashed, likely drove a few times when I really shouldn't have, but I was 21. And it lasted 6 months. And it was brought on by a life shattering break-up (which was really the best thing that could have happened to me but like I wanted to believe that at the time it was happening) and it ended the moment I learned I was going to be a mother, have a child, and be responsible for another life.

Why hasn't Jason had an epiphany yet?

I think back to those first three months. Those dinners and bar tabs he quickly paid for. The doors he opened. The stories he told. The movies we went to and the interesting talks. I ask myself, was I really so blind? Was I really just refusing to see what was there? Or is he really just that good at telling a lie. Angie and I have often had conversations about Jason and his tendency to tell stories and spin a web of lies, for no reason other than he just does.

It just hurts right now. I can't wish I wouldn't have been with Jason, because then I never would have had Cade. I never would see that boy's face light up into a million rays of sunshine the second I walk into the door and his eye catches sight of me. I never would hold that boy while sleeping at night, feeling his chest rise and fall with each breath, and think about the things I want to do with him, the places I want to go, and the life lessons I want him to learn.

Truth is, I wouldn't have turned into the adult I am today, if it wouldn't have been for being with Jason and being blessed with becoming a mother to Cade. I owe him a lot for that. And maybe that's why this car wreck has me so shook up right now. I so very much want Jason to have an epiphany and grow up and become a man and a real father. I want him to feel the blessing of being an adult, a parent. But I know that it's likely to happen, and instead I'm stuck with his irresponsible ass who, when his daughter is missing after supposed to have been playing at a friend's house, decides he can't be late to his party in Detroit and leaves to go there instead of stay and worry where his daughter is and why she's not home waiting for him to pick her up.

like I said, it blows my mind away.

this isn't so good

Cross posted from another forum.

 

Background - DS - 8 months old. We live in Texas while I go to school, FOB and his family live in Michigan where DS was born. DS and I moved when DS was 6 weeks old.

 

It's finals week. I'm stressed. I'm also prepping to fly out on Saturday from Texas to Michigan so FOB can see DS and I can see my family for two weeks. FOB won't have DS the entire time, but these visits help allow DS as much regular access to FOB to attempt to foster some sort of relationship. (also with FOBs family)

So FOB calls tonight, I'd not checked my messages in a few days, finals, busy busy, and I answer to try and set up plans for this coming couple weeks.

He tells me he was in a bad wreck, totaled his car (the 7th car he's totaled in the last 10 years) ended up on the hospital for a couple days, etc. Oddly enough I felt myself thinking "why couldn't you have just died" and then pushed the thought away. We talked some more, and of course the accident isn't his fault, etc. Now he has nothing, etc. I just listened to his pity story with a few "mm hmmm"s and waited for the "catch".

He wants to move to Flordia.

He wants to move to Flordia with a GIRL who was visiting him. But they're not involved. *rolls eyes* Okay, so, I really don't want to be with him myself, and I knew eventually he'd get involved with another woman. But being that this is the FIRST chick he's been associated with that I've heard about, it's still a little odd. I guess just takes time to get used to the idea of him being with someone else.

Anyway, yeah, Florida. He claims there aren't a lot of jobs in Michigan (there aren't, but he also doesnt know how to look for them either) and the cost of living is really high in Michigan (not compared to Florida!) and there is a school down there he wants to go to for designing video games. (yeah, right) He's moving out of his current house in two weeks, doesnt know where he'll be living, etc.

I just want to scream and cry, and then at the same time I want to laugh and rejoice.

I dont understand why part of me wants to scream and cry. I think part of it is knowing that if he moves to Florida he's really not going to be able to see our DS or his other DD. Those two lil kids, I feel for them. I mourn for their loss. But was it really such a loss? I pity FOB's parents and family who have come to grow so close to these two children, and if he is gone, will they still be able to be involved and continue a relationship?

I also want to scream because I know I'll never see any money from him. I can do whatever I want too, and it'll never happen. I just want to get through school and start making money and be able to not NEED any support or help from FOB. The sooner I have a career the sooner FOB's CS check becomes easy to live without.

And right now I'm wondering why I gave DS FOB's last name.

How do I get someone's name off the Birth Certificate? LOL. Isn't it like two years with no contact and then I can petition to have his name removed so I can change DSs last name to mine and then later to whomever I marry and allow him to legally adopt DS.

Maybe that's why this is so unsettling to me. If FOB moves to Florida, I feel like he will be abandoning any and all effort to be a father to DS, to be involved in DS's life. Maybe he wasn't a good father or role model, but a part of me still felt firmly that DS deserved the opportunity to know his father at least.

Then the other part of me wants to laugh because I feel once FOB moves to Florida I'll be rid of him and won't have to worry about him or his family anymore. I'll finally be totally free to concentrate on DS and I and stop feeling obligated to involve this whole new side of family I never really knew and dont know if I like all that much.

Ladies. You are always so good at helping people get off their emotional rollercoasters and back to real life. Help me get there...

He is my everything, he is my life, he is my truth.

You are my inspiration in work and in play
In the verses I sing and the words that I say
You are to my life, what the sunshine is to the day
And you know that you're welcome to stay

Every candle has a match
And every Journey has a start
Every day has a sunrise
To motivate it's start
And like the cool waters flow
From the mountain spring
You are hope to my soul
That there's more than I've seen

You are my inspiration in work and in play
In the verses I sing and the words that I say
You are to my life, what the sun is to day
And I hope that you know that you’re welcome to stay

Why is it so complicated?

I get an email from FOB today...

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: XXX
Date: 01 May 2007, 10:48


emotionally free?? so i take it there is no chance for us what so ever?

---------------------

*scratches head*

I thought we already went through this?

Not to mention, this is the comment he was talking about, posted in a myspace "blog"


btw - I'm fantabulous at the moment. Lots of school shit to do, but I dont think I've been this emotionally free in months.

This has NOTHING to do with him. I replied back that it had nothing to do with him, and then he and I should work on being friends and letting everything else go so it didnt get messy and drama. Then he replies with "Too Late"

Ugh. Ok? I must have missed a memo here at some point or another.

On a brighter note, he did call later to tell me that "our son" (as he tends to call Cade) is beautiful and "we're" so lucky. Of course I know this, but it just is odd to hear him say it is all...



<3 Me

ps. I'm sorry you're hurt. You should know I never try to intentionally hurt you. I wish you'd know I love you and want us to be close. Every relationship is a balance, we just need to find ours.

your perspective is forever evolving...

I had my lab final today. I studied my ass off for it. I think I put in at least 6 - 8 hours over the last week studying. I was very proud of my diligence in preparing for the test, and even though there were some questions I forgot to study for, I'm proud still. And then I get to class today and I see students who missed half of the class periods, who asked stupid questions, who weren't at all prepared. They were the ones who were looking at the dip stick for the urinalyses sample and asking "How do I tell what it says" when the bottle with the results were RIGHT in front of them. It made me think back to when I was that student, not caring, thinking I had all the time in the world, not giving importance to being prepared for class. And suddenly I understood what it meant to be proud of my grade, to be protective of it. I didnt want to be next to those people because I didnt want them to take my answer, that answer which I had studied hard and long in order to know.

 

Funny what a few short years can do to your perspective on things.

 

I'm grumbling about my dance teacher, God love her, she's so sweet and adorable, but she expects excellence from all her students and doesnt care what you have going on in your life. LOL. And I realized I'm proud of the work I've done in her class. I get excited to see people like the cover I made for her dance concert program. It doesnt matter than I know it's not quite at professional level, it's MY work.

 

 

 

Maybe this working hard thing really works? Maybe I've been missing out on a lot of pride and self-confidence and positive self-image by not constantly pushing myself and forcing myself to work hard?

 

My head hurts from all this thinking.

 

On another note, I think my outgoing, nice self got asked out on a date last night without my knowing... A guy from my development class and I have worked on a few class projects together with another classmate, and he called to double check on what we were supposed to be doing for Tuesday's class, we got to chatting, and then he offers to buy me a drink when finals are done to celebrate the end of the semester. Without thinking I blurt out "That'd be superb!" Then after I hung up the phone I starting thinking, I really hope I'm not completely dense and oblivious and have been misinterpreting his flirting to be friendly gestures. All that joking around and winking and tongue sticking-outing might have been thought of as flirting if it was with a guy I wanted to mack with. Oops? Now I have to figure out how to calm down my outgoing flirtatious self so I dont happen to encourage anything IF that's what he was trying to start. Eghad.

 

Time to go and do something productive.

 

<3 Me

I have the cutest baby EVER!

Tonight we fed Caden a lovely dinner of Carrots and egg yolk with a little oatmeal cereal and blueberries for dessert. He LOVED it and swallowed every bite. This kid LOVES blueberries. Swear he thinks they're the most amazing thing ever. He also LOVES squash too, go figure. He wont eat the carrot puree I made him, but when I cut up cooked baby carrots into small bite sized pieces he CHOWED on them. Anything he can chew he seems to like. So stubborn. ;)

Anyway, egg yolk is very very messy and crumbly. We stripped him down and put him in the bathtub and I sat him up with floating toys for the first time. He LOVED every minute in the tub. This kid is going to be a fish he just loves to be in the water. He would hunch over and bat at the water with his hand, and then flip on his belly and scooch all over the tub, and then flip to his back and kick, and he was in there for a good 40 minutes before he started to rub his eyes and look tired.

I hope he will sleep tonight.

I emailed DamnPrecious again and told her that I would be going out of town for two weeks after the semester is over so if she wanted to get together we should try to squeeze something in before hand. I tempted her with ice cream. ;) My teacher told me that DamnPrecious told her to tell me that she'd just been really really busy recently but wanted to get together soon. Hopefully this time she will respond.

And then I find out I have a 5 page paper to add onto my already overloaded amount of work. I'm putting in close to 20 hours worth of work on the Dance Concert poster and program cover and tickets and not getting anything out of it and then being surprised with this paper? I'm not a happy Mommi tonight. Hopefully I can get it all done, but the good news is I've found some good A&P websites with interactive quizzes and models to help me study for the lab practical on Monday. Eeeeek! Monday? last day of lab? AHHHHHH!!!! The semester is almost over!

<3 Me

Ch Ch Ch Changes

I filled out an application for Medicade for Caden, daycare assistance to have the state compensate my mom for watching Cade while I'm in school, food stamps (every little bit helps right?) and even TANF (cash payment each month) I also asked for information about rent assistance and help with utilities. I figure it doesnt hurt to KNOW what the program offers in case I need it someday.

The thing though, is that in doing this at the end of the application it states by asking for assistance I'm allowing the agency to go after FOB to seek child support. I have NO idea since FOB is out of state how hard they will press this, but maybe this will get somewhere and I'll get something from him.

I've been thinking lately though, and this is so odd for me because I NEVER used to think this way, but I've been thinking what it would be like to not have FOB in the picture at all. How would that affect Cade? I'm going to school, in three years I will be financially independent, after I get my masters I will be able to make enough money to completely support Cade and I on my own. I will be able to offer him the life I want him to have. I'll be able to pay for all his sports and clubs. I won't ever have to deny him something because I have to pay rent first. And that's just so wonderful to me. It's so exciting to have that feeling and know it's possible. That after all the hurt, worry, and fears during pregnancy about "how will I do this?" I finally have the answer and there is the light at the end of the tunnel.

But all this light makes me feel more and more "I dont need FOB" and if I dont need him, if I can provide Cade a good life on my own, why should I be so encouraging of FOB. I'm disappointed with how FOB and his family are handling all this. Obviously I dont know the whole story about what he is telling them, and I also know that Cade is not his family's responsibility, but it seems odd to me how quickly and easily they've let this all fall on me after being so involved with Hailey. Maybe it's the distance. But I'll never know for sure. All I know is that I'm taking note of their actions. We'll see how things go this next vacation, but I'm done catering to them.

I'm just so proud of myself for turning in that application KNOWING that it might cause FOB to have to pay CS. What I'm hoping though, is that going this route won't trigger a custody agreement. If it does I've been working on my draft, but hopefully I wont have to use it. The longer I can go the way we have the better right now. I'm willing to take on full financial responsibility if it means having sole decision making power over my baby.

Time Flys...

I was thinking about how busy I'm getting these next couple weeks with finals and all. It's been awhile since I've had so many papers and projects and tests to work on and prepare for. It's a little overwhelming, but I'm sure soon it will pass quickly enough.

Took Trish up on her advice, thanks girl.

And now I will slink off to bed. Just so stinkin' tired! *yawn*

Got a minute? Lets talk...

School is winding down and I'm busier than ever. So many projects and papers to do, so many tests to study for. I'm trying so hard to stay on top of things and not slip behind, but it's hard. I feel my energy reserves slipping away. I feel my strength slowly fading. I get so tired so early and just want to sleep.

Cade is starting to do better at sleeping, and I'm SO excited. I knew when he was ready, and with constant encouragement, he would slip into his own natural sleeping patterns. I am putting a hold on co-sleeping though. It was wonderful for awhile, but right now it's more important for me to encourage Cade to sleep at night in his crib. He's been making a wonderful transition, and I know this is the right choice. Maybe later on when he's older we can have snuggle nights or something, but for now it's time to teach him how to sleep on his own.

So my Coward has spread to other blogs of people I talk to from IV. I only wish I had that much time on my hands that I could read the blogs of people I don't enjoy talking to and leave ignorant comments. I only wish I felt that confident and superior in my parenting and my choices in life that I felt the need to spew venom on people who don't agree with me.

Anonymous said...
am I a coward or am I someone who you think you know? are you just mad because we speak the truth?

Let me just say, if you knew me, you'd know how untruthful your words and comments are. And if you knew me, you'd know that I WELCOME everyone's thoughts and opinions. Look at Susan and I. Five years now, right? Five years being friends, confidantes, and coworkers who know nearly everything about each other and never hesitate to tell it like it is. You should see some of the emails she's sent me trying to give me a good thumpin' on the head for stupid mistakes I've made. And I LOVE her for it. I cherish her honesty and know that if she didnt really care about me, and wasn't really a friend, she would never take the time to tell me how she really felt. (Sorry Sus, hope you dont mind)

So I've decided what I'm going to do with my life. It's a frightening feeling, but so liberating at the same time. It feels so good to have a plan in place and know what you're fighting for. Right now I'm at TCC and in exactly 1 yr, I can have all the credits needed to transfer to TCU to enroll in their BSN program. That will be a 2 year program. So if all goes well, in 3 years I could be graduated with a BSN making 60 - 70k a year.

But I'm not done. LOL! After a year or two working in critical care, I could then apply for a masters program and get my CRNA. It's a 2 year program, and would bump my salary up to 160k a year. So in 7 years I could be in a position where I'd always have a job, making enough money to support Cade and I, and being able to give him all the opportunities in life. I wont have to work 70 hour weeks, I'll have time to be with him, time to parent him, etc. It feels good to have a goal, to have an achievable dream.

Like someone told me, take advantage of every opportunity. So I'm going to try too. Now if I could just get this freaking paper finished instead of drawing a blank all the time I'd feel better.

<3 Me

coward...

I leave this blog open for everyone to comment, mainly because of the friends and people I know who dont have a blogger account who still want to be able to comment or leave me a message, etc. But what gets me is when someone wants to hide behind this ability to leave a nameless comment and voice a nasty opinion.

I read my comments. I pay attention to what is said and think about other opinions and perspectives, but if you're too much of a coward to let me know who you are, I don't give a second thought to what you wrote. Own up to your opinion and if you have something you want to say, say it to my face, don't hide.

I registered for summer classes. I'm not going to take the 2 week mini-mester, instead I'll go to MI to let everyone see Cade, maybe get a night out with Emily and Corrine, and enjoy the ability to have NOTHING to do for a few days. Once school starts I'll be taking English II and Great Religions of the World the first part, and the second session I'm signed up for A&PI. ARGH! It's a 7 AM classs. I'm gonna die. But I know if there's a time when I'll be able to do a 7 AM class it'll be when I'm living with my parents and HAVE to be up because of baby anyway. Plus all my classes will be over by 11:30 so I'll have all day left to play with baby and enjoy the summer weather. ;)

I've been dreaming about him. I don't like it, and it always angers me when I wake up and realize he managed to find his way into my dreams again. I just want him cut out of my life, never to be thought of again.

And it'd be nice if the friend I've been trying to make would respond to my emails so we could set up a playdate...

Back to school work -

~ Me

School...

Today was a school day. I've learned this week I *could* get an A in history and Growth&Development. I *might* be able to get an A in Dance, likely a high B in Biology, and I'll be happy with a C in Lit. (LOL!) The A's are all low A's, but still A's.

My dad and I talked and decided that I'll take both summer sessions, and then another full load in the fall. *sigh* It's just so annoying, living with someone who know what he's talking about when it comes to school. I don't want to hear him tell me it'd be a good idea to take one two week class between spring and summer sessions, and then take classes in both summer sessions, and then I'll have a full year's worth of school done in 9 months. *sigh*

I know I got myself into this position, and I know I only have another year and a half before my free tuition runs out so I know I should take advantage of this, but it's just so daunting to think about. :-\

And my brother is whining to use the computer so I'll oblige him...