coward...

I leave this blog open for everyone to comment, mainly because of the friends and people I know who dont have a blogger account who still want to be able to comment or leave me a message, etc. But what gets me is when someone wants to hide behind this ability to leave a nameless comment and voice a nasty opinion.

I read my comments. I pay attention to what is said and think about other opinions and perspectives, but if you're too much of a coward to let me know who you are, I don't give a second thought to what you wrote. Own up to your opinion and if you have something you want to say, say it to my face, don't hide.

I registered for summer classes. I'm not going to take the 2 week mini-mester, instead I'll go to MI to let everyone see Cade, maybe get a night out with Emily and Corrine, and enjoy the ability to have NOTHING to do for a few days. Once school starts I'll be taking English II and Great Religions of the World the first part, and the second session I'm signed up for A&PI. ARGH! It's a 7 AM classs. I'm gonna die. But I know if there's a time when I'll be able to do a 7 AM class it'll be when I'm living with my parents and HAVE to be up because of baby anyway. Plus all my classes will be over by 11:30 so I'll have all day left to play with baby and enjoy the summer weather. ;)

I've been dreaming about him. I don't like it, and it always angers me when I wake up and realize he managed to find his way into my dreams again. I just want him cut out of my life, never to be thought of again.

And it'd be nice if the friend I've been trying to make would respond to my emails so we could set up a playdate...

Back to school work -

~ Me

I'm just... disgusted.

I'm not sad. I'm not mad. I'm just disgusted. In an "ew, gross, get the hell out of my life" kind of way. In a "Hell no don't ever try to call me" kind of way. I have these feeling of "Don't ever think you deserve to be in my life again or that I'd want to waste time on you" flowing through my veins.

But old habits die hard and I've yet to remove him from my IM list or my cell... even though my cell has been off for a record breaking amount of time these past few days... and you know what? It feels good.

I still get that twinge in my tummy when I turn it on and check my messages. "Did he call? Do I want him to have called?" But it's so much nicer to not check it every five minutes with that constant twinge. Now it's only once or twice a day and it's so... freeing! My goal though, my goal is complete indifference. I want to finally and completely not care one bit about him and his life and whatever he chooses to do with it.

I lost it with Cade last night. He woke up at 2:30 and wouldn't go back to sleep until nearly 4 AM. Wasnt trying to play, just was crying and whining and ARGH! If waking up wasn't bad enough, now he's not going back to sleep after waking up. I just don't know what to do and it's getting so bad. I nearly went and woke my mom up last night...

I don't understand why he's not sleeping. I don't understand why other babies ARE sleeping, or HAVE been sleeping, and he's still not. I'm so tired, so worn out, and becoming resentful of his lack of sleeping habits. And then I feel horrible for harboring these types of thoughts about my child. My baby, who isn't waking up on purpose or to try and make my life hard. He doesnt know what he's doing. But still I fume and boil and, like last night, while I was trying to sleep on the couch listening to him cry in the room at 3:50 in the morning after an hour and a half of trying to get him to go back to sleep, have a vision of walking in there and doing unmentionable acts to make him stop crying. And then I sit there and think to myself how other people have bad thoughts too and I'm just at the end of my rope and I just need to calm down and I know I'd never really hurt him and I cant get upset at myself for mentally loosing it or it will just make everything that much worse.

I may have a new friend. :) I sorta met her through a teacher here at school, and she's my age with a baby who is a month older than Cade. Single mommy too. We're going to set up a time to have a playdate and if God has decided to finally smile on me for a moment, I might be able to snag a friend out of this...

it's over

It's over. Not like I didnt KNOW that already, but it still sucks when it's said to your face.

I'm trying to be brave. I keep reminding myself that really this is a good thing just like it was good before. I just let myself fall in love with all the things he said and promised. For months he was right there every night telling me everything I needed to hear to get through the next day...

He was very apologetic and kind and caring and, of course, wants to be able to be friends still. (bah!)

But you know what the WORST part is? Not this... this... announcement of sorts. No, the worst part was not having anyone to call and say "Get me out of here, I dont want to mope around all damn day."

That's what really sucked the most. That total feeling of being utterly alone and not having the luxury of being able to hide under the covers with my box of tissues.

I've let myself stumble...

I really should have known better, and maybe in the back of my mind I did but I just didn't want to admit it. It just sucks to have it hit me out of the blue like this. I want to talk to someone, to have someone to lean on, to cry with, but this is my hurt and it was my choice. Just sucks... to have it happen without warning and for no reason.

I want to write more, but I think instead I'll cut this short and crawl into bed and allow myself a good indulgent cry before getting up tomorrow. I've already had a glass of wine...

I just wish I didnt feel so damn alone and isolated here. I wish I could call a friend and tell her to come over and pick me up a pack of smokes because I'm really needing a relapse and dont want to be alone. I wish I could sleep on the couch in front of the TV, passing out while watching stupid chick-flick movies.

And I wish I could throw my phone to the ground and watch it smash into a million pieces and tell him to go fuck himself for daring to do this to me. What an idiot. So willing to spend over a year dealing with a psycho abusive cheater, then chase me across the country with promises of love, devotion, and regrets of not proposing before, and then just *poof* just stop talking to me for no damn reason. It was bound to happen... one way or another he was going to be *him* and do something disrespectful and childish like before. I was just hoping maybe he'd grown up enough, and that we'd be dating long enough...

Guess we'll see what happens when I move there. Likely I'll be too damned busy and entertained to care much.

4 weeks left in the semester. damn. so far and yet so close...

This may be long, I'm sorry...

I stumbled upon the site www.43things.com and I've fallen in love with it. I've gone through and selected 43 things at the moment that I want on my to-do list and I'm trying to figure out how to make them happen. Here's my current list, although I imagine over the next month or two I will be changing it until I get everything I REALLY want on there.

Wants to do 43 things (Re-order)
get my life together 90 peopleadd an entry
To live instead of exist 5705 peopleadd an entry
become debt free 242 peopleadd an entry
live in a Bush-free America 4 peopleadd an entry
go on a road trip with no predetermined destination 10288 peopleadd an entry
be financially independent 939 peopleadd an entry
graduate from college 3380 peopleadd an entry
keep my blog updated 200 peopleadd an entry
donate hair to Locks of Love 605 peopleadd an entry
Do NaNoWriMo 374 peopleadd an entry
brew my own beer 401 peopleadd an entry
Stop talking about loosing weight and do it! 6 peopleadd an entry
Be happy without being in love. 188 peopleadd an entry
live up to my potential 103 peopleadd an entry
take dance lessons 461 peopleadd an entry
own a house 1130 peopleadd an entry
have a star named after me 109 peopleadd an entry
eat healthier 5390 peopleadd an entry
give up soda 77 peopleadd an entry
Continually Learn and Improve Myself 6 peopleadd an entry
be a good mother 535 peopleadd an entry
move back home 39 peopleadd an entry
drink more water 10645 peopleadd an entry
create the soundtrack to my life 805 peopleadd an entry
cook more 1158 peopleadd an entry
identify 100 things that make me happy (besides money) 3857 peopleadd an entry
find myself, know myself and then be myself 190 peopleadd an entry
live within my means 113 peopleadd an entry
write a book 13453 peopleadd an entry
quit smoking for good 226 peopleadd an entry
become more appreciative 1 personadd an entry
be better with money 46 peopleadd an entry
live fearlessly 64 peopleadd an entry
try something new 51 peopleadd an entry
hike the Grand Canyon 181 peopleadd an entry
Visit Hawaii 346 peopleadd an entry
build a savings account 4 peopleadd an entry
Send a message in a bottle 1849 peopleadd an entry
learn to listen 31 peopleadd an entry
Donate blood 1359 peopleadd an entry
Learn to play the piano 3993 peopleadd an entry
Finish what I start 2612 peopleadd an entry
Raise Credit Score to 700 1 personadd an entry

So, easy enough, but now when I look at some of these I wonder... how am I going to accomplish and cross things off my list if I dont DO something? If I dont spend time TRYING. So I've decided I need to set a time limit for the amount of time I spend online doing nothing, vs the amount of time I spend working on SOMETHING. Even if it's just writing another page in my novella, or washing an extra set of clothing, or working on crossing something off the list above.

I'm so sad at how my mom and I are getting along at the moment. I wish she and I had a good relationship like all those moms and daughters on the TV, but we just seem stuck in this horrible rut of fighting and bickering and not getting along.

And then there's B. Everything was going great until a week ago. We bickered, oddly enough because he said he wouldn't be able to financially support Cade and I (had I ever ASKED him too????) Things are supposed to be very casual and easy going, but I get the feeling he's starting to feel pressure for some reason. Like he's scared that I've grown up and have priorities and have goals and plans for life and no longer am the lost little girl I was when we were together. He also has mentioned being uncomfortable with my relationship with Jason. Since he and April hate each other, he doesnt understand how I can not be with Jason, and have Jason be the way he is, and not hate him and make life hell for him. I don't know the answer to that question. I just know that, as much as I loathe Jason at the moment, I know he is still Cade's father and that means he will always have a certain amount of respect from me. Respect that I won't bad mouth him and I will encourage Cade to know him and form his own opinion of him free from my influence and perspective. Maybe one day Jason will grow up and be the father Cade deserves, and if that happens, how will I look for badmouthing him?

I just want to be happy again. I want to be able to live without being questioned for every step I take, every decision I make. I want to feel comfortable in my own home, and not nervous and anxious. I know that if I continue to live with my mom, we will continue to hurt each other and build a poor relationship. I don't want that. I just don't want to hurt her either.

I paid off my credit cards today. I'm so proud of doing this. I want to make a real effort to building a smart future for Cade and I, this is the first step. Thank you tax return!

And I'm off to bed. So tired. :)
<3 Me