Ain't That Funnay...

Most of you might not know this, but I'm a really sensitive person. There are a lot of things I'm insecure about when it comes to myself. Maybe that's not the best word? Maybe "unsure" is more like what I'm trying to say. Either way, it always puzzles me when I stop to think about "friends".

I've put the quotes in because, when I think about things right now, I don't really have a whole lot of friends left. With Caden here, being a single mom, and moving across the country... well... it puts me in an odd group I guess.

Plus, I'm picky about who I call a friend these days. I dont like to throw that term around without it meaning something. You have to earn the right to be called a friend of mine. And mainly you earn that by showing me you're someone I can get along with and someone I can trust.

To expand on the getting along part... I'm wondering tonight why I never really fit in with so many of the other women at the playgroup. I could try to blame it on the fact that most of them were married and I wasn't, but really, I know that's not it. I just didnt click with them, even though I tried. Oh, yeah, what a laugh. I tried so hard to connect with so many of them. But it didn't happen.

Anyway, I randomly see them around or bump into them and it's very weird for me. I dont really have anything against most of them. There were only a very very select few that I honestly didn't like. But still I know that it would never work to try and repair bridges or become friends again.

I don't really go there anymore. I don't really see a point. There are far too many that I don't get along with to make it worth my time to go for the few I enjoy being around. And now especially since so many are talking about being pregnant or starting to try for another baby... I feel so left out. I feel jealous at their having more kids already. Not being married, just that they have having another baby. I would love to be in a financial position to have another right now.

But either way, I still sit here at night, alone, wishing I had someone to talk to. My photography keeps me busy, there's always something to work on there, and school is soon going to be kicking my butt. But I still miss those random pointless conversations. Those quirky inside jokes. And the private vents and snarks that I shared once upon a time.

I wish I had the ability to eat more crow and talk to some of them and explain I never had anything against them. Really. It was just those two. Honest.

But I don't think they'd care.

it's over

It's over. Not like I didnt KNOW that already, but it still sucks when it's said to your face.

I'm trying to be brave. I keep reminding myself that really this is a good thing just like it was good before. I just let myself fall in love with all the things he said and promised. For months he was right there every night telling me everything I needed to hear to get through the next day...

He was very apologetic and kind and caring and, of course, wants to be able to be friends still. (bah!)

But you know what the WORST part is? Not this... this... announcement of sorts. No, the worst part was not having anyone to call and say "Get me out of here, I dont want to mope around all damn day."

That's what really sucked the most. That total feeling of being utterly alone and not having the luxury of being able to hide under the covers with my box of tissues.