I'm 23 years old today. It's such a hard age for me to turn. I'm no longer a "young" adult, now I'm a full fledged adult. I look around at friends from high school who are getting married and buying houses and starting families and I think to myself "but they're not old enough!" I still feel so young, so much like a child sometimes.

And yet... I think back to when I lived with him and how very much grown up and independent I felt then.

I know it's crazy, yes it's insane, but I talked to him today. He called to wish me a happy birthday and we talked, and I admitted that I still wanted to marry him just as before. It's true. I still think into the future about having more kids, about buying a house, about being a soccer mom. And it's always the same. Cade and I are together I graduate college, buy a house, redo the house, and then slowly he creeps back in and suddenly he's there by my side holding my hand and feeding me ice chips while I'm laboring with our baby.

I'm thankful that I'm settled enough and ambitious enough that I'm not about to fantasize about running off to be with him. No I'm much more grown up than that now. But he told me that he'd quit smoking weed. He'd gone 5 days now without it. That his head was so much clearer now. He wants to have babies with me.

*half smile*

I told him I was proud of him, which I am, but so much of me screams "tell him it's too late and be done with it." but I can't. I'm still in love with him as much as it hurts to admit.

Thankfully I no longer feel the need to HAVE to get over him NOW. It'll come in time I suppose. Or it'll be replaced if it doesnt. and even if I never find a man to share my life with I'm strong enough to find enjoyment alone. I have dreams and ambitions, they're great sources of comfort.

I just can't let go of how I can still see the twinkles in his eyes, the smile of the little boy caught with his hand in the cookie jar. The way he'd stare into my eyes before telling me he loved me. The way he still says he loves me. Christ, even the way he'd talk to me through the bathroom door while he went to the bathroom cracks me up.

But I want more than what he gave me. I'm worth more. I know that.

I know that.