your perspective is forever evolving...

I had my lab final today. I studied my ass off for it. I think I put in at least 6 - 8 hours over the last week studying. I was very proud of my diligence in preparing for the test, and even though there were some questions I forgot to study for, I'm proud still. And then I get to class today and I see students who missed half of the class periods, who asked stupid questions, who weren't at all prepared. They were the ones who were looking at the dip stick for the urinalyses sample and asking "How do I tell what it says" when the bottle with the results were RIGHT in front of them. It made me think back to when I was that student, not caring, thinking I had all the time in the world, not giving importance to being prepared for class. And suddenly I understood what it meant to be proud of my grade, to be protective of it. I didnt want to be next to those people because I didnt want them to take my answer, that answer which I had studied hard and long in order to know.

 

Funny what a few short years can do to your perspective on things.

 

I'm grumbling about my dance teacher, God love her, she's so sweet and adorable, but she expects excellence from all her students and doesnt care what you have going on in your life. LOL. And I realized I'm proud of the work I've done in her class. I get excited to see people like the cover I made for her dance concert program. It doesnt matter than I know it's not quite at professional level, it's MY work.

 

 

 

Maybe this working hard thing really works? Maybe I've been missing out on a lot of pride and self-confidence and positive self-image by not constantly pushing myself and forcing myself to work hard?

 

My head hurts from all this thinking.

 

On another note, I think my outgoing, nice self got asked out on a date last night without my knowing... A guy from my development class and I have worked on a few class projects together with another classmate, and he called to double check on what we were supposed to be doing for Tuesday's class, we got to chatting, and then he offers to buy me a drink when finals are done to celebrate the end of the semester. Without thinking I blurt out "That'd be superb!" Then after I hung up the phone I starting thinking, I really hope I'm not completely dense and oblivious and have been misinterpreting his flirting to be friendly gestures. All that joking around and winking and tongue sticking-outing might have been thought of as flirting if it was with a guy I wanted to mack with. Oops? Now I have to figure out how to calm down my outgoing flirtatious self so I dont happen to encourage anything IF that's what he was trying to start. Eghad.

 

Time to go and do something productive.

 

<3 Me

I have the cutest baby EVER!

Tonight we fed Caden a lovely dinner of Carrots and egg yolk with a little oatmeal cereal and blueberries for dessert. He LOVED it and swallowed every bite. This kid LOVES blueberries. Swear he thinks they're the most amazing thing ever. He also LOVES squash too, go figure. He wont eat the carrot puree I made him, but when I cut up cooked baby carrots into small bite sized pieces he CHOWED on them. Anything he can chew he seems to like. So stubborn. ;)

Anyway, egg yolk is very very messy and crumbly. We stripped him down and put him in the bathtub and I sat him up with floating toys for the first time. He LOVED every minute in the tub. This kid is going to be a fish he just loves to be in the water. He would hunch over and bat at the water with his hand, and then flip on his belly and scooch all over the tub, and then flip to his back and kick, and he was in there for a good 40 minutes before he started to rub his eyes and look tired.

I hope he will sleep tonight.

I emailed DamnPrecious again and told her that I would be going out of town for two weeks after the semester is over so if she wanted to get together we should try to squeeze something in before hand. I tempted her with ice cream. ;) My teacher told me that DamnPrecious told her to tell me that she'd just been really really busy recently but wanted to get together soon. Hopefully this time she will respond.

And then I find out I have a 5 page paper to add onto my already overloaded amount of work. I'm putting in close to 20 hours worth of work on the Dance Concert poster and program cover and tickets and not getting anything out of it and then being surprised with this paper? I'm not a happy Mommi tonight. Hopefully I can get it all done, but the good news is I've found some good A&P websites with interactive quizzes and models to help me study for the lab practical on Monday. Eeeeek! Monday? last day of lab? AHHHHHH!!!! The semester is almost over!

<3 Me

Ch Ch Ch Changes

I filled out an application for Medicade for Caden, daycare assistance to have the state compensate my mom for watching Cade while I'm in school, food stamps (every little bit helps right?) and even TANF (cash payment each month) I also asked for information about rent assistance and help with utilities. I figure it doesnt hurt to KNOW what the program offers in case I need it someday.

The thing though, is that in doing this at the end of the application it states by asking for assistance I'm allowing the agency to go after FOB to seek child support. I have NO idea since FOB is out of state how hard they will press this, but maybe this will get somewhere and I'll get something from him.

I've been thinking lately though, and this is so odd for me because I NEVER used to think this way, but I've been thinking what it would be like to not have FOB in the picture at all. How would that affect Cade? I'm going to school, in three years I will be financially independent, after I get my masters I will be able to make enough money to completely support Cade and I on my own. I will be able to offer him the life I want him to have. I'll be able to pay for all his sports and clubs. I won't ever have to deny him something because I have to pay rent first. And that's just so wonderful to me. It's so exciting to have that feeling and know it's possible. That after all the hurt, worry, and fears during pregnancy about "how will I do this?" I finally have the answer and there is the light at the end of the tunnel.

But all this light makes me feel more and more "I dont need FOB" and if I dont need him, if I can provide Cade a good life on my own, why should I be so encouraging of FOB. I'm disappointed with how FOB and his family are handling all this. Obviously I dont know the whole story about what he is telling them, and I also know that Cade is not his family's responsibility, but it seems odd to me how quickly and easily they've let this all fall on me after being so involved with Hailey. Maybe it's the distance. But I'll never know for sure. All I know is that I'm taking note of their actions. We'll see how things go this next vacation, but I'm done catering to them.

I'm just so proud of myself for turning in that application KNOWING that it might cause FOB to have to pay CS. What I'm hoping though, is that going this route won't trigger a custody agreement. If it does I've been working on my draft, but hopefully I wont have to use it. The longer I can go the way we have the better right now. I'm willing to take on full financial responsibility if it means having sole decision making power over my baby.

Time Flys...

I was thinking about how busy I'm getting these next couple weeks with finals and all. It's been awhile since I've had so many papers and projects and tests to work on and prepare for. It's a little overwhelming, but I'm sure soon it will pass quickly enough.

Took Trish up on her advice, thanks girl.

And now I will slink off to bed. Just so stinkin' tired! *yawn*

Got a minute? Lets talk...

School is winding down and I'm busier than ever. So many projects and papers to do, so many tests to study for. I'm trying so hard to stay on top of things and not slip behind, but it's hard. I feel my energy reserves slipping away. I feel my strength slowly fading. I get so tired so early and just want to sleep.

Cade is starting to do better at sleeping, and I'm SO excited. I knew when he was ready, and with constant encouragement, he would slip into his own natural sleeping patterns. I am putting a hold on co-sleeping though. It was wonderful for awhile, but right now it's more important for me to encourage Cade to sleep at night in his crib. He's been making a wonderful transition, and I know this is the right choice. Maybe later on when he's older we can have snuggle nights or something, but for now it's time to teach him how to sleep on his own.

So my Coward has spread to other blogs of people I talk to from IV. I only wish I had that much time on my hands that I could read the blogs of people I don't enjoy talking to and leave ignorant comments. I only wish I felt that confident and superior in my parenting and my choices in life that I felt the need to spew venom on people who don't agree with me.

Anonymous said...
am I a coward or am I someone who you think you know? are you just mad because we speak the truth?

Let me just say, if you knew me, you'd know how untruthful your words and comments are. And if you knew me, you'd know that I WELCOME everyone's thoughts and opinions. Look at Susan and I. Five years now, right? Five years being friends, confidantes, and coworkers who know nearly everything about each other and never hesitate to tell it like it is. You should see some of the emails she's sent me trying to give me a good thumpin' on the head for stupid mistakes I've made. And I LOVE her for it. I cherish her honesty and know that if she didnt really care about me, and wasn't really a friend, she would never take the time to tell me how she really felt. (Sorry Sus, hope you dont mind)

So I've decided what I'm going to do with my life. It's a frightening feeling, but so liberating at the same time. It feels so good to have a plan in place and know what you're fighting for. Right now I'm at TCC and in exactly 1 yr, I can have all the credits needed to transfer to TCU to enroll in their BSN program. That will be a 2 year program. So if all goes well, in 3 years I could be graduated with a BSN making 60 - 70k a year.

But I'm not done. LOL! After a year or two working in critical care, I could then apply for a masters program and get my CRNA. It's a 2 year program, and would bump my salary up to 160k a year. So in 7 years I could be in a position where I'd always have a job, making enough money to support Cade and I, and being able to give him all the opportunities in life. I wont have to work 70 hour weeks, I'll have time to be with him, time to parent him, etc. It feels good to have a goal, to have an achievable dream.

Like someone told me, take advantage of every opportunity. So I'm going to try too. Now if I could just get this freaking paper finished instead of drawing a blank all the time I'd feel better.

<3 Me

coward...

I leave this blog open for everyone to comment, mainly because of the friends and people I know who dont have a blogger account who still want to be able to comment or leave me a message, etc. But what gets me is when someone wants to hide behind this ability to leave a nameless comment and voice a nasty opinion.

I read my comments. I pay attention to what is said and think about other opinions and perspectives, but if you're too much of a coward to let me know who you are, I don't give a second thought to what you wrote. Own up to your opinion and if you have something you want to say, say it to my face, don't hide.

I registered for summer classes. I'm not going to take the 2 week mini-mester, instead I'll go to MI to let everyone see Cade, maybe get a night out with Emily and Corrine, and enjoy the ability to have NOTHING to do for a few days. Once school starts I'll be taking English II and Great Religions of the World the first part, and the second session I'm signed up for A&PI. ARGH! It's a 7 AM classs. I'm gonna die. But I know if there's a time when I'll be able to do a 7 AM class it'll be when I'm living with my parents and HAVE to be up because of baby anyway. Plus all my classes will be over by 11:30 so I'll have all day left to play with baby and enjoy the summer weather. ;)

I've been dreaming about him. I don't like it, and it always angers me when I wake up and realize he managed to find his way into my dreams again. I just want him cut out of my life, never to be thought of again.

And it'd be nice if the friend I've been trying to make would respond to my emails so we could set up a playdate...

Back to school work -

~ Me

School...

Today was a school day. I've learned this week I *could* get an A in history and Growth&Development. I *might* be able to get an A in Dance, likely a high B in Biology, and I'll be happy with a C in Lit. (LOL!) The A's are all low A's, but still A's.

My dad and I talked and decided that I'll take both summer sessions, and then another full load in the fall. *sigh* It's just so annoying, living with someone who know what he's talking about when it comes to school. I don't want to hear him tell me it'd be a good idea to take one two week class between spring and summer sessions, and then take classes in both summer sessions, and then I'll have a full year's worth of school done in 9 months. *sigh*

I know I got myself into this position, and I know I only have another year and a half before my free tuition runs out so I know I should take advantage of this, but it's just so daunting to think about. :-\

And my brother is whining to use the computer so I'll oblige him...

All by myself...

I made it all by myself. *proud*

I re-did my myspace, and I LOVE this song I stumbled on.

http://www.myspace.com/sweetlysarah

I've been listening to it over and over and over again. I dont know WHY, as I'm not in this sappy mood, but the piano just mesmerizes me and I'm addicted now. I like his voice too. *shrugs*

I found out I'm getting an 86 in History right now and I'm poised to get one of the only A's in the class if I study for the next (and final) test. I really wanna pull off an A, but so far I havnt been studying for the tests so I'm not really sure how to prep myself here. I'm going to re-read through my lecture notes every night after the lecture though and see if that helps some... But the poor man will talk himself to death about a million topics other than what we're actually studying so it's hard to know if what I wrote down was important or not. Aye!

I'm tired. I'm going to bed. :) Night...

I'm just... disgusted.

I'm not sad. I'm not mad. I'm just disgusted. In an "ew, gross, get the hell out of my life" kind of way. In a "Hell no don't ever try to call me" kind of way. I have these feeling of "Don't ever think you deserve to be in my life again or that I'd want to waste time on you" flowing through my veins.

But old habits die hard and I've yet to remove him from my IM list or my cell... even though my cell has been off for a record breaking amount of time these past few days... and you know what? It feels good.

I still get that twinge in my tummy when I turn it on and check my messages. "Did he call? Do I want him to have called?" But it's so much nicer to not check it every five minutes with that constant twinge. Now it's only once or twice a day and it's so... freeing! My goal though, my goal is complete indifference. I want to finally and completely not care one bit about him and his life and whatever he chooses to do with it.

I lost it with Cade last night. He woke up at 2:30 and wouldn't go back to sleep until nearly 4 AM. Wasnt trying to play, just was crying and whining and ARGH! If waking up wasn't bad enough, now he's not going back to sleep after waking up. I just don't know what to do and it's getting so bad. I nearly went and woke my mom up last night...

I don't understand why he's not sleeping. I don't understand why other babies ARE sleeping, or HAVE been sleeping, and he's still not. I'm so tired, so worn out, and becoming resentful of his lack of sleeping habits. And then I feel horrible for harboring these types of thoughts about my child. My baby, who isn't waking up on purpose or to try and make my life hard. He doesnt know what he's doing. But still I fume and boil and, like last night, while I was trying to sleep on the couch listening to him cry in the room at 3:50 in the morning after an hour and a half of trying to get him to go back to sleep, have a vision of walking in there and doing unmentionable acts to make him stop crying. And then I sit there and think to myself how other people have bad thoughts too and I'm just at the end of my rope and I just need to calm down and I know I'd never really hurt him and I cant get upset at myself for mentally loosing it or it will just make everything that much worse.

I may have a new friend. :) I sorta met her through a teacher here at school, and she's my age with a baby who is a month older than Cade. Single mommy too. We're going to set up a time to have a playdate and if God has decided to finally smile on me for a moment, I might be able to snag a friend out of this...

it's over

It's over. Not like I didnt KNOW that already, but it still sucks when it's said to your face.

I'm trying to be brave. I keep reminding myself that really this is a good thing just like it was good before. I just let myself fall in love with all the things he said and promised. For months he was right there every night telling me everything I needed to hear to get through the next day...

He was very apologetic and kind and caring and, of course, wants to be able to be friends still. (bah!)

But you know what the WORST part is? Not this... this... announcement of sorts. No, the worst part was not having anyone to call and say "Get me out of here, I dont want to mope around all damn day."

That's what really sucked the most. That total feeling of being utterly alone and not having the luxury of being able to hide under the covers with my box of tissues.

a confession...

I'm really anxious for Cade to start doing SOMETHING. I dont care if it's crawling, sitting up on his own, babbling, ENJOYING food, sleeping through the night, ANYTHING! I hear of all these other babies on the September board who are doing ALL of the above and it makes me get squirmish and wonder if something is wrong with Cade, or if I'm doing something wrong. I know in my head Cade is perfectly on track, but it's the worrier in me that sits there and thinks "Why isnt he able to do that yet?"

I will forever wonder if the things I did before I knew I was pregnant will come back to haunt me later in life. If that New Years Eve, two days before the big fat positive, if that night will come into play later on when we're struggling to learn fractions or long division. If when a teacher suggests medication for ADHD because he doesnt want to stay in his desk all day, if I'll think back to that December and wonder if there why. I don't know how to let go of things...

But it's Easter today. Happy Easter. :-D

Hopefully I'll be able to have a good one... looking like another day at home with no one around and no car. *sigh* I'll take what I can get...

I've let myself stumble...

I really should have known better, and maybe in the back of my mind I did but I just didn't want to admit it. It just sucks to have it hit me out of the blue like this. I want to talk to someone, to have someone to lean on, to cry with, but this is my hurt and it was my choice. Just sucks... to have it happen without warning and for no reason.

I want to write more, but I think instead I'll cut this short and crawl into bed and allow myself a good indulgent cry before getting up tomorrow. I've already had a glass of wine...

I just wish I didnt feel so damn alone and isolated here. I wish I could call a friend and tell her to come over and pick me up a pack of smokes because I'm really needing a relapse and dont want to be alone. I wish I could sleep on the couch in front of the TV, passing out while watching stupid chick-flick movies.

And I wish I could throw my phone to the ground and watch it smash into a million pieces and tell him to go fuck himself for daring to do this to me. What an idiot. So willing to spend over a year dealing with a psycho abusive cheater, then chase me across the country with promises of love, devotion, and regrets of not proposing before, and then just *poof* just stop talking to me for no damn reason. It was bound to happen... one way or another he was going to be *him* and do something disrespectful and childish like before. I was just hoping maybe he'd grown up enough, and that we'd be dating long enough...

Guess we'll see what happens when I move there. Likely I'll be too damned busy and entertained to care much.

4 weeks left in the semester. damn. so far and yet so close...

Pizzabox Mug Shots

http://hosted.ap.org/dynamic/stories/P/PIZZA_WANTED_POSTERS?SITE=TXCOR&SECTION=HOME&TEMPLATE=DEFAULT

 

I LOVE this idea! Why shouldn't we use embarassment as a tactic to get people to own up to their responsibilities?

 

I do think there needs to be a way to make sure the children are not embarassed though, maybe have an age limit, like once the child turns five their parent is removed from the pizza box circulation? Who knows, but seriously was a cool idea. Parents who dont pay shouldn't have any rights to privacy.

This may be long, I'm sorry...

I stumbled upon the site www.43things.com and I've fallen in love with it. I've gone through and selected 43 things at the moment that I want on my to-do list and I'm trying to figure out how to make them happen. Here's my current list, although I imagine over the next month or two I will be changing it until I get everything I REALLY want on there.

Wants to do 43 things (Re-order)
get my life together 90 peopleadd an entry
To live instead of exist 5705 peopleadd an entry
become debt free 242 peopleadd an entry
live in a Bush-free America 4 peopleadd an entry
go on a road trip with no predetermined destination 10288 peopleadd an entry
be financially independent 939 peopleadd an entry
graduate from college 3380 peopleadd an entry
keep my blog updated 200 peopleadd an entry
donate hair to Locks of Love 605 peopleadd an entry
Do NaNoWriMo 374 peopleadd an entry
brew my own beer 401 peopleadd an entry
Stop talking about loosing weight and do it! 6 peopleadd an entry
Be happy without being in love. 188 peopleadd an entry
live up to my potential 103 peopleadd an entry
take dance lessons 461 peopleadd an entry
own a house 1130 peopleadd an entry
have a star named after me 109 peopleadd an entry
eat healthier 5390 peopleadd an entry
give up soda 77 peopleadd an entry
Continually Learn and Improve Myself 6 peopleadd an entry
be a good mother 535 peopleadd an entry
move back home 39 peopleadd an entry
drink more water 10645 peopleadd an entry
create the soundtrack to my life 805 peopleadd an entry
cook more 1158 peopleadd an entry
identify 100 things that make me happy (besides money) 3857 peopleadd an entry
find myself, know myself and then be myself 190 peopleadd an entry
live within my means 113 peopleadd an entry
write a book 13453 peopleadd an entry
quit smoking for good 226 peopleadd an entry
become more appreciative 1 personadd an entry
be better with money 46 peopleadd an entry
live fearlessly 64 peopleadd an entry
try something new 51 peopleadd an entry
hike the Grand Canyon 181 peopleadd an entry
Visit Hawaii 346 peopleadd an entry
build a savings account 4 peopleadd an entry
Send a message in a bottle 1849 peopleadd an entry
learn to listen 31 peopleadd an entry
Donate blood 1359 peopleadd an entry
Learn to play the piano 3993 peopleadd an entry
Finish what I start 2612 peopleadd an entry
Raise Credit Score to 700 1 personadd an entry

So, easy enough, but now when I look at some of these I wonder... how am I going to accomplish and cross things off my list if I dont DO something? If I dont spend time TRYING. So I've decided I need to set a time limit for the amount of time I spend online doing nothing, vs the amount of time I spend working on SOMETHING. Even if it's just writing another page in my novella, or washing an extra set of clothing, or working on crossing something off the list above.

I'm so sad at how my mom and I are getting along at the moment. I wish she and I had a good relationship like all those moms and daughters on the TV, but we just seem stuck in this horrible rut of fighting and bickering and not getting along.

And then there's B. Everything was going great until a week ago. We bickered, oddly enough because he said he wouldn't be able to financially support Cade and I (had I ever ASKED him too????) Things are supposed to be very casual and easy going, but I get the feeling he's starting to feel pressure for some reason. Like he's scared that I've grown up and have priorities and have goals and plans for life and no longer am the lost little girl I was when we were together. He also has mentioned being uncomfortable with my relationship with Jason. Since he and April hate each other, he doesnt understand how I can not be with Jason, and have Jason be the way he is, and not hate him and make life hell for him. I don't know the answer to that question. I just know that, as much as I loathe Jason at the moment, I know he is still Cade's father and that means he will always have a certain amount of respect from me. Respect that I won't bad mouth him and I will encourage Cade to know him and form his own opinion of him free from my influence and perspective. Maybe one day Jason will grow up and be the father Cade deserves, and if that happens, how will I look for badmouthing him?

I just want to be happy again. I want to be able to live without being questioned for every step I take, every decision I make. I want to feel comfortable in my own home, and not nervous and anxious. I know that if I continue to live with my mom, we will continue to hurt each other and build a poor relationship. I don't want that. I just don't want to hurt her either.

I paid off my credit cards today. I'm so proud of doing this. I want to make a real effort to building a smart future for Cade and I, this is the first step. Thank you tax return!

And I'm off to bed. So tired. :)
<3 Me

Another Sarah-ism

This isn't exactly so much something I did, but still something which very much is a part of who I am.

As I was washing the dishes after slaving all day making another batch of baby food for Caden, I noticed my mom looking at me funny.

Out of no where, she goes, "Sarah..."

"Yeah?" I respond, still scrubbing the dishes.

"You have a..." And she starts pointing at my rear end.

'Great' I think, 'I ripped my pants or something.'

Then she looks around to make sure no one's listening, leans towards me from across the room, and nearly mumbles, "You have a black butt."

It takes everything in me not to burst out laughing as I go "It's called a ghetto booty mom."

Yes I have always been bootylicious and proud.