This may be long, I'm sorry...

I stumbled upon the site www.43things.com and I've fallen in love with it. I've gone through and selected 43 things at the moment that I want on my to-do list and I'm trying to figure out how to make them happen. Here's my current list, although I imagine over the next month or two I will be changing it until I get everything I REALLY want on there.

Wants to do 43 things (Re-order)
get my life together 90 peopleadd an entry
To live instead of exist 5705 peopleadd an entry
become debt free 242 peopleadd an entry
live in a Bush-free America 4 peopleadd an entry
go on a road trip with no predetermined destination 10288 peopleadd an entry
be financially independent 939 peopleadd an entry
graduate from college 3380 peopleadd an entry
keep my blog updated 200 peopleadd an entry
donate hair to Locks of Love 605 peopleadd an entry
Do NaNoWriMo 374 peopleadd an entry
brew my own beer 401 peopleadd an entry
Stop talking about loosing weight and do it! 6 peopleadd an entry
Be happy without being in love. 188 peopleadd an entry
live up to my potential 103 peopleadd an entry
take dance lessons 461 peopleadd an entry
own a house 1130 peopleadd an entry
have a star named after me 109 peopleadd an entry
eat healthier 5390 peopleadd an entry
give up soda 77 peopleadd an entry
Continually Learn and Improve Myself 6 peopleadd an entry
be a good mother 535 peopleadd an entry
move back home 39 peopleadd an entry
drink more water 10645 peopleadd an entry
create the soundtrack to my life 805 peopleadd an entry
cook more 1158 peopleadd an entry
identify 100 things that make me happy (besides money) 3857 peopleadd an entry
find myself, know myself and then be myself 190 peopleadd an entry
live within my means 113 peopleadd an entry
write a book 13453 peopleadd an entry
quit smoking for good 226 peopleadd an entry
become more appreciative 1 personadd an entry
be better with money 46 peopleadd an entry
live fearlessly 64 peopleadd an entry
try something new 51 peopleadd an entry
hike the Grand Canyon 181 peopleadd an entry
Visit Hawaii 346 peopleadd an entry
build a savings account 4 peopleadd an entry
Send a message in a bottle 1849 peopleadd an entry
learn to listen 31 peopleadd an entry
Donate blood 1359 peopleadd an entry
Learn to play the piano 3993 peopleadd an entry
Finish what I start 2612 peopleadd an entry
Raise Credit Score to 700 1 personadd an entry

So, easy enough, but now when I look at some of these I wonder... how am I going to accomplish and cross things off my list if I dont DO something? If I dont spend time TRYING. So I've decided I need to set a time limit for the amount of time I spend online doing nothing, vs the amount of time I spend working on SOMETHING. Even if it's just writing another page in my novella, or washing an extra set of clothing, or working on crossing something off the list above.

I'm so sad at how my mom and I are getting along at the moment. I wish she and I had a good relationship like all those moms and daughters on the TV, but we just seem stuck in this horrible rut of fighting and bickering and not getting along.

And then there's B. Everything was going great until a week ago. We bickered, oddly enough because he said he wouldn't be able to financially support Cade and I (had I ever ASKED him too????) Things are supposed to be very casual and easy going, but I get the feeling he's starting to feel pressure for some reason. Like he's scared that I've grown up and have priorities and have goals and plans for life and no longer am the lost little girl I was when we were together. He also has mentioned being uncomfortable with my relationship with Jason. Since he and April hate each other, he doesnt understand how I can not be with Jason, and have Jason be the way he is, and not hate him and make life hell for him. I don't know the answer to that question. I just know that, as much as I loathe Jason at the moment, I know he is still Cade's father and that means he will always have a certain amount of respect from me. Respect that I won't bad mouth him and I will encourage Cade to know him and form his own opinion of him free from my influence and perspective. Maybe one day Jason will grow up and be the father Cade deserves, and if that happens, how will I look for badmouthing him?

I just want to be happy again. I want to be able to live without being questioned for every step I take, every decision I make. I want to feel comfortable in my own home, and not nervous and anxious. I know that if I continue to live with my mom, we will continue to hurt each other and build a poor relationship. I don't want that. I just don't want to hurt her either.

I paid off my credit cards today. I'm so proud of doing this. I want to make a real effort to building a smart future for Cade and I, this is the first step. Thank you tax return!

And I'm off to bed. So tired. :)
<3 Me