I'm not sad. I'm not mad. I'm just disgusted. In an "ew, gross, get the hell out of my life" kind of way. In a "Hell no don't ever try to call me" kind of way. I have these feeling of "Don't ever think you deserve to be in my life again or that I'd want to waste time on you" flowing through my veins.
But old habits die hard and I've yet to remove him from my IM list or my cell... even though my cell has been off for a record breaking amount of time these past few days... and you know what? It feels good.
I still get that twinge in my tummy when I turn it on and check my messages. "Did he call? Do I want him to have called?" But it's so much nicer to not check it every five minutes with that constant twinge. Now it's only once or twice a day and it's so... freeing! My goal though, my goal is complete indifference. I want to finally and completely not care one bit about him and his life and whatever he chooses to do with it.
I lost it with Cade last night. He woke up at 2:30 and wouldn't go back to sleep until nearly 4 AM. Wasnt trying to play, just was crying and whining and ARGH! If waking up wasn't bad enough, now he's not going back to sleep after waking up. I just don't know what to do and it's getting so bad. I nearly went and woke my mom up last night...
I don't understand why he's not sleeping. I don't understand why other babies ARE sleeping, or HAVE been sleeping, and he's still not. I'm so tired, so worn out, and becoming resentful of his lack of sleeping habits. And then I feel horrible for harboring these types of thoughts about my child. My baby, who isn't waking up on purpose or to try and make my life hard. He doesnt know what he's doing. But still I fume and boil and, like last night, while I was trying to sleep on the couch listening to him cry in the room at 3:50 in the morning after an hour and a half of trying to get him to go back to sleep, have a vision of walking in there and doing unmentionable acts to make him stop crying. And then I sit there and think to myself how other people have bad thoughts too and I'm just at the end of my rope and I just need to calm down and I know I'd never really hurt him and I cant get upset at myself for mentally loosing it or it will just make everything that much worse.
I may have a new friend. :) I sorta met her through a teacher here at school, and she's my age with a baby who is a month older than Cade. Single mommy too. We're going to set up a time to have a playdate and if God has decided to finally smile on me for a moment, I might be able to snag a friend out of this...
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
6 comments:
said before - - yay for new friend. That is a HUGE step for you and I'm trilled.
Have you checked with your doctor to see if there's something for sleep you could be trying that you're not with Cade?
Is he napping at the same times or can that be throwing him off schedule? Don't you snore???? Could THAT be waking him up? Sudden noises that interrupt his sleep?
Don't feel bad about your feelings. Sooo understandable. And as I'm finding out, feelings don't mean anything. They're not actions. I really think you should try a white noise machine with him. They work wonders. We used to only use it for naps, but then she regressed with STTN, so we use it all the time and she sleeps soundly with it. But I KNOW how frustrating it is. We started it thru the night b/c with her teeth, she started waking up again and won't go back down. Whatever you decide to do, just know it won't last forever. Give yourself a break, too. You've had a hard week.
Trish is right, feelings aren't actions. Maggie's sleep is crap lately too. The past 4 nights she's woken up ever hour and a half. I've bascially given up sleeping because there is no point, I'll just be up again. So you're completely not alone. All our babies need to learn to sleep! Either that or get a padded room where they can all play together at 330 in the morning or whenever they think is a good time to wake up!
I think at some point, with no warning, he'll start sleeping better. Why knows why babies do what they do! It'll come, hang in there. :)
~Veronica
Does he have a paci? if he does, I may have a trick for you as a last resort when you need him to be quite for JUST FIVE MINUTES. Rinse the paci with water, dip it in sugar, and stick it in his mouth. Guaranteed he'll be quite for five to ten min. I did this with mine when I got to that point. Worked wonders, and sometimes calmed him down enough to fall asleep.
Hello do the full ferber method. Read the actual book and quit the modified crap, it obviously isn't working. Do you know the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over with the same result. That is what you are doing!
Post a Comment