Time Flys...

I was thinking about how busy I'm getting these next couple weeks with finals and all. It's been awhile since I've had so many papers and projects and tests to work on and prepare for. It's a little overwhelming, but I'm sure soon it will pass quickly enough.

Took Trish up on her advice, thanks girl.

And now I will slink off to bed. Just so stinkin' tired! *yawn*

Got a minute? Lets talk...

School is winding down and I'm busier than ever. So many projects and papers to do, so many tests to study for. I'm trying so hard to stay on top of things and not slip behind, but it's hard. I feel my energy reserves slipping away. I feel my strength slowly fading. I get so tired so early and just want to sleep.

Cade is starting to do better at sleeping, and I'm SO excited. I knew when he was ready, and with constant encouragement, he would slip into his own natural sleeping patterns. I am putting a hold on co-sleeping though. It was wonderful for awhile, but right now it's more important for me to encourage Cade to sleep at night in his crib. He's been making a wonderful transition, and I know this is the right choice. Maybe later on when he's older we can have snuggle nights or something, but for now it's time to teach him how to sleep on his own.

So my Coward has spread to other blogs of people I talk to from IV. I only wish I had that much time on my hands that I could read the blogs of people I don't enjoy talking to and leave ignorant comments. I only wish I felt that confident and superior in my parenting and my choices in life that I felt the need to spew venom on people who don't agree with me.

Anonymous said...
am I a coward or am I someone who you think you know? are you just mad because we speak the truth?

Let me just say, if you knew me, you'd know how untruthful your words and comments are. And if you knew me, you'd know that I WELCOME everyone's thoughts and opinions. Look at Susan and I. Five years now, right? Five years being friends, confidantes, and coworkers who know nearly everything about each other and never hesitate to tell it like it is. You should see some of the emails she's sent me trying to give me a good thumpin' on the head for stupid mistakes I've made. And I LOVE her for it. I cherish her honesty and know that if she didnt really care about me, and wasn't really a friend, she would never take the time to tell me how she really felt. (Sorry Sus, hope you dont mind)

So I've decided what I'm going to do with my life. It's a frightening feeling, but so liberating at the same time. It feels so good to have a plan in place and know what you're fighting for. Right now I'm at TCC and in exactly 1 yr, I can have all the credits needed to transfer to TCU to enroll in their BSN program. That will be a 2 year program. So if all goes well, in 3 years I could be graduated with a BSN making 60 - 70k a year.

But I'm not done. LOL! After a year or two working in critical care, I could then apply for a masters program and get my CRNA. It's a 2 year program, and would bump my salary up to 160k a year. So in 7 years I could be in a position where I'd always have a job, making enough money to support Cade and I, and being able to give him all the opportunities in life. I wont have to work 70 hour weeks, I'll have time to be with him, time to parent him, etc. It feels good to have a goal, to have an achievable dream.

Like someone told me, take advantage of every opportunity. So I'm going to try too. Now if I could just get this freaking paper finished instead of drawing a blank all the time I'd feel better.

<3 Me

coward...

I leave this blog open for everyone to comment, mainly because of the friends and people I know who dont have a blogger account who still want to be able to comment or leave me a message, etc. But what gets me is when someone wants to hide behind this ability to leave a nameless comment and voice a nasty opinion.

I read my comments. I pay attention to what is said and think about other opinions and perspectives, but if you're too much of a coward to let me know who you are, I don't give a second thought to what you wrote. Own up to your opinion and if you have something you want to say, say it to my face, don't hide.

I registered for summer classes. I'm not going to take the 2 week mini-mester, instead I'll go to MI to let everyone see Cade, maybe get a night out with Emily and Corrine, and enjoy the ability to have NOTHING to do for a few days. Once school starts I'll be taking English II and Great Religions of the World the first part, and the second session I'm signed up for A&PI. ARGH! It's a 7 AM classs. I'm gonna die. But I know if there's a time when I'll be able to do a 7 AM class it'll be when I'm living with my parents and HAVE to be up because of baby anyway. Plus all my classes will be over by 11:30 so I'll have all day left to play with baby and enjoy the summer weather. ;)

I've been dreaming about him. I don't like it, and it always angers me when I wake up and realize he managed to find his way into my dreams again. I just want him cut out of my life, never to be thought of again.

And it'd be nice if the friend I've been trying to make would respond to my emails so we could set up a playdate...

Back to school work -

~ Me

School...

Today was a school day. I've learned this week I *could* get an A in history and Growth&Development. I *might* be able to get an A in Dance, likely a high B in Biology, and I'll be happy with a C in Lit. (LOL!) The A's are all low A's, but still A's.

My dad and I talked and decided that I'll take both summer sessions, and then another full load in the fall. *sigh* It's just so annoying, living with someone who know what he's talking about when it comes to school. I don't want to hear him tell me it'd be a good idea to take one two week class between spring and summer sessions, and then take classes in both summer sessions, and then I'll have a full year's worth of school done in 9 months. *sigh*

I know I got myself into this position, and I know I only have another year and a half before my free tuition runs out so I know I should take advantage of this, but it's just so daunting to think about. :-\

And my brother is whining to use the computer so I'll oblige him...

All by myself...

I made it all by myself. *proud*

I re-did my myspace, and I LOVE this song I stumbled on.

http://www.myspace.com/sweetlysarah

I've been listening to it over and over and over again. I dont know WHY, as I'm not in this sappy mood, but the piano just mesmerizes me and I'm addicted now. I like his voice too. *shrugs*

I found out I'm getting an 86 in History right now and I'm poised to get one of the only A's in the class if I study for the next (and final) test. I really wanna pull off an A, but so far I havnt been studying for the tests so I'm not really sure how to prep myself here. I'm going to re-read through my lecture notes every night after the lecture though and see if that helps some... But the poor man will talk himself to death about a million topics other than what we're actually studying so it's hard to know if what I wrote down was important or not. Aye!

I'm tired. I'm going to bed. :) Night...

I'm just... disgusted.

I'm not sad. I'm not mad. I'm just disgusted. In an "ew, gross, get the hell out of my life" kind of way. In a "Hell no don't ever try to call me" kind of way. I have these feeling of "Don't ever think you deserve to be in my life again or that I'd want to waste time on you" flowing through my veins.

But old habits die hard and I've yet to remove him from my IM list or my cell... even though my cell has been off for a record breaking amount of time these past few days... and you know what? It feels good.

I still get that twinge in my tummy when I turn it on and check my messages. "Did he call? Do I want him to have called?" But it's so much nicer to not check it every five minutes with that constant twinge. Now it's only once or twice a day and it's so... freeing! My goal though, my goal is complete indifference. I want to finally and completely not care one bit about him and his life and whatever he chooses to do with it.

I lost it with Cade last night. He woke up at 2:30 and wouldn't go back to sleep until nearly 4 AM. Wasnt trying to play, just was crying and whining and ARGH! If waking up wasn't bad enough, now he's not going back to sleep after waking up. I just don't know what to do and it's getting so bad. I nearly went and woke my mom up last night...

I don't understand why he's not sleeping. I don't understand why other babies ARE sleeping, or HAVE been sleeping, and he's still not. I'm so tired, so worn out, and becoming resentful of his lack of sleeping habits. And then I feel horrible for harboring these types of thoughts about my child. My baby, who isn't waking up on purpose or to try and make my life hard. He doesnt know what he's doing. But still I fume and boil and, like last night, while I was trying to sleep on the couch listening to him cry in the room at 3:50 in the morning after an hour and a half of trying to get him to go back to sleep, have a vision of walking in there and doing unmentionable acts to make him stop crying. And then I sit there and think to myself how other people have bad thoughts too and I'm just at the end of my rope and I just need to calm down and I know I'd never really hurt him and I cant get upset at myself for mentally loosing it or it will just make everything that much worse.

I may have a new friend. :) I sorta met her through a teacher here at school, and she's my age with a baby who is a month older than Cade. Single mommy too. We're going to set up a time to have a playdate and if God has decided to finally smile on me for a moment, I might be able to snag a friend out of this...

it's over

It's over. Not like I didnt KNOW that already, but it still sucks when it's said to your face.

I'm trying to be brave. I keep reminding myself that really this is a good thing just like it was good before. I just let myself fall in love with all the things he said and promised. For months he was right there every night telling me everything I needed to hear to get through the next day...

He was very apologetic and kind and caring and, of course, wants to be able to be friends still. (bah!)

But you know what the WORST part is? Not this... this... announcement of sorts. No, the worst part was not having anyone to call and say "Get me out of here, I dont want to mope around all damn day."

That's what really sucked the most. That total feeling of being utterly alone and not having the luxury of being able to hide under the covers with my box of tissues.