A random update

I know I need to update more, I totally agree...

 

I'm just afraid of writing, afraid of facing the truth and admitting it to anyone... There are things I'm allowing to happen that I dont know WHY I am. I just know a lot has changed since coming to Texas and my way of thinking has changed as well.

 

Let's see if I can get things started with posting some things I've written lately...

 

Email to Corrine:

 

lets see if I can respond to everything. today has been a ROUGH day and I'm a mess at the moment.

 

How is Everything?

 

Everything sucks (at least tonight). I'm so tired of everything right now. I'm tired of not enjoying life. I'm tired of having no friends. I'm tired of living with my parents, of spending every minute doing something for someone else and getting heck when I want some time to myself. I'm tired of being a mom and no longer being able to do anything for myself, that everything has to be about him and I have to be a grown up now. I'm tired of how fast the days go by and how little I accomplish each day. I'm tired of fighting him every day to get him to go to sleep or take a nap. I'm tired of waking up early, going to school, struggling to stay awake, coming home, getting the baby, spending hours holding and playing with the baby and then spending hours fighting to get him to go to bed. Then after I study and do homework and go to climb into bed he wakes up. I'm tired of being up every 2 hours and always being in a bad mood and short tempered because of lack of sleep.

 

I love Cade more than I could have ever imagined and I wouldn't trade him for the world, but I just wish things were a little easier. I wish I had SOME sort of happiness to make it better. B and I talk every few days and every time after he tells me how much he misses me and loves me and wants me to come back home, and after I vent and rant about how things are here, he gives me a subtle offer to move in with him. Sometimes not so subtle.

 

It's just so hard right now because I want to give Cade EVERYTHING, and to do that I need to be able to have a good career and make good money, and to do that I need to have a degree so I'll be hired, and to be able to go to school I need to be here so I can have someone watch baby for free and where I dont need to worry about making rent.

 

 I really want yur opinion on the having another baby thing.

 

Oh boy... Corrine it's interesting about this because I look at Cade and know all the trouble and how hard it has been and I STILL want another one ALREADY! I sit there at night and wonder about when the next time will be, how long it'll be until I decide to start trying, will it be different being pregnant with a baby I've planned and wanted even before she was conceived?

 

I think you need to be VERY careful and honest with yourself and make sure that if you decide to have another it's not because you want Kaelian back. This next baby will be her OWN person and should not be compared to Kaelian. That said, I see nothing wrong with being a Solo mom. However, I do think you need to have the means to be able to provide and take care of yourself and your child. That also include financial means. You should have a few thousand dollars in savings in case something happens so you wont be one check away from being evicted. You should probably have a reliable car that's paid off. Not everything has to be perfect, but you should be as prepared as possible. You know better than anyone being a mom is not about YOU it's about your baby. Your baby deserves to have a mother who doesnt need to work 60 hours a week just to make rent and has to skip dinner once in awhile because the utility bill needs to be paid and she doesnt have enough left over for groceries.

 

Is it horrible of me though that at night I think about how badly I want another one and how much I wish I could start trying later in the summer for number two? And to top it off, how strongly I desire for B to be the one I'm with when I'm trying... See, we're both royally screwed up since becoming a mom. Babies are just so addicting!

 

My advice, Corrine, is that once you finish your schooling/training and have a stable and steady job and can support yourself and have a little padded away for a rainy day, go fuck whomever you want and have a baby if that's what you want to do. I think children are better off in a two parent home, but at the same time a strong woman like yourself should be plenty capable of providing enough love and structure to overcome not having a daddy there every night. And who knows, maybe you'll even get married. :)

 

Just think long and hard before doing anything... and remember this while you're thinking...

You'll never regret the children you have, only the children you DON'T have.

 

End Email

 

We'll save B for last in this update.

 

I avoid writing because I'm so miserable and I dont want to think about it. The biggest problem is that I am a VERY social person. I love to communicate with people all the time. I NEED interaction in order to stay emotionally stable. Moving has put me in a place where I know no one and am inside the house all day long with no job to even give me a break and everyone expects me to be OK with it.

 

Maybe that's another problem, everyone expects me to be OK right now. When I complain about something, they look at me like I'm from Venus. Yes I know how lucky I am to have this opportunity, doesnt mean I HAVE to be happy and enjoy it. The jews in the prison camps during the holocaust were thankful for any food they could have while there, doesnt mean they LIKED it and thought it tasted good. They just knew it was a means of survival. That's how I view being in TX right now, it's my means of survival. I wont be able to make it without going through this.

 

I've been surprised too how no one has mentioned PPD to me. My family is so very plagued with depression and after my abortion I experienced PPD, so why is it now no one in my family has said anything? I told my mom today I dont fix things by taking a bunch of pills and waiting for them to work, I fix things by figuring how how to make it better and fix it. I've noticed I get so angry at night and want to throw things sometimes, and I know it stems from frustration and excess energy, so I want to join a gym and sweat it off. If I can know that I'm going to be going somewhere and running for an hour and let all the worries and problems of the day just leak out of me it'll be so much better.

Things between my mom and I are improving, but it's just really hard. My schedule during the week is as follows

 

Monday: up at 6:30

Leave for school at 7:30

Home at 3 PM

Have baby until bed time at 6:45

Listen to crying baby for 1 hour, feel like throwing myself out the window

Homework

Check email

Baby wakes up at 10 PM, get him back to sleep

Email/homework

Baby wakes up at 12:30, bring into bed for night just to get some sleep

 

And the rest of the week is pretty much the same. Some days I get out earlier or start a little later, but over all its just constant work and pushing myself and being secluded and just... Why do I have to LIKE this life style?

 

I'm not looking for pity. I'm just dealing with the consequences of my past decisions and that means lots of hard work to get myself where I want to be in the end. I just dont understand why people are so upset when I dont act like little miss sunshine all the time. I've lost EVERYTHING that my life used to be, for Christ's sake let me mourn a little here...

 

J continues to call me nearly every day. It annoys me. I dont call him back all the time, but I just dont know without being mean how to make him understand that it's really 100% OVER.

 

and now onto B.

 

I don't know what to write about him. I know some people will be upset or feel disappointment in me, and that's fine. One thing I've come to learn by leaving everything behind and starting over is how little I care what people think of me who I don't see on a daily basis. I just dont have time anymore. There is one of you, though, who is the exception to this rule. You I care deeply about and treasure and wish to be able to call you my friend until the day they lay me in the ground. You may be affected most by this, and I'm truely very sorry and saddened by that.

 

Before I left MI, B and I spent some time together and did a lot of talking. He's been a source of counsel on my issues with Cade's dad, and a support system never failing to tell me how I'm an amazing mother. He's both caused and stoped tears, but overall he became a friend again when I had thought he was a chapter in my life that would never be revisited again.

 

While we were talking in MI he confessed deep feelings for me. I know in my heart that no matter how much I tried to let go, move on, forget and stop caring for him I hadn't. I had learned how to IGNORE the feelings I felt, but they were still there inside. He told me he wanted to try again and that while he would not wait for me, whenever I returned to MI he'd be there and we could start over.

 

Oh he's always been a charmer and a poetic talker. I left with some fun memories and thinking that he honestly believed what he had told me, but that he was still the same B and nothing had changed. I've been proven wrong.

 

Now, wait, I'm NOT saying that he's morphed into this amazing perfect person and never does anything wrong. What I am saying is that so far, I can see changes in him. Not everything has changed, but there has been progress. He handles his money better, but not perfectly. He's learned how to clean the apartment, although I doubt Martha Stewart would be impressed. His temper that used to flare up at the most random times and rage for days is gone. He still gets annoyed and upset, but he talks calmly and directly. ANd I could go on, the point is that he's not a saint, never was and never will be, but SOME of the issues which caused us the greatest problems while we were together have been improved upon. Not all, but some.

 

We talk through email, txt, or IM every couple days. There have been a few times I've called him to just lend an ear and let me whine and vent and use his tee shirt to wipe my nose on. So far he's been there every time I've needed him. HE continues to offer me support and reassurance and tells me sweet nothings about how he feels and what he wishes could be. I'm not as naive as I once was, I'm not swooning at his feet, but I do allow myself to feel good. I've explained to him, if there is any real hope for anything to ever happen, we need to start as friends and just see where it goes. He's very capable of seeing anyone he wants, just as I am if I ever had the time. We're not together in any way shape or form, but we're building a friendship...

 

I really thought once I came back to Tx we'd quickly drift apart again. Instead he waits for me at night to finish my HW. He tells me how guilty he feels when he's on a date and he doesn't enjoy being with anyone. And he is sending me gifts just to put a smile on my face.

 

*sigh* I'm not pretending he's someone he's not. I'm just finding comfort in someone who's going out of his way to try and help make my days a little brighter. I'm not stupid, there's a lot of issues we've agreed not to talk about right now, but when I move back to MI, if things are still the same and he's continued to mature and grow as a person, then I'm willing to think of "maybe". Until then, I won't talk about him often. He has a long way to go before he's worth any more of my time than I already give him. So I may occasionally mention something, but dont expect me to devote much of my blogging to talking about him. My expectations of this are EXTREMELY low and if it doesnt amount to anything I'd rather eat my own humble pie quietly.

 

I think that's enough for tonight. Tomorrow I'll try to get some new pictures of Cade posted and write his 4 month update. Gosh he's growing SO FAST!

 

... Love ...