This post came after another long night with a screaming baby, no sleep and no relief pitcher.
Why is it that someone can walk into a room, see a distraught mother glaring at a baby because he wont stop crying and she cant figure out WHY he's crying and she's getting upset (st herself of course) for not knowing how to help him and they instantly criticize the mother for not being patient and loving and "yelling" at the baby.
When the baby screams they'll walk over with all the grace and calm of an aged medicine woman and pick up the infant and begin to coo and shhh and rock. They'll do this for at least 30 minutes trying everything the mother had already tried while she stands there fuming at this intruder for thinking that she wouldn't have already checked the diaper, tried a bottle, given gas drops and tylenol and the paci too.
Eventually the baby will fall asleep, either from crying himself tired or from this new person being able to help comfort him enough to sleep. But in the end, NO ONE stops to give the mother any comfort. No one looks at her and understands that while every new mother goes through this, each has different circumstances. Some babies are worse than others, some have doting husbands rushing to help at every opportunity, some have no support system at all.
It's times like these I really understand how some mothers can flip and loose it. When I get scolded for being upset because he was crying, instead of a simple sympathetic glance or a reassuring pat letting me know that someone feels my pain, somone has made it through all this torture. Instead they look at you like a wicked mother because you can't control your emotions and you cant "hack" it.
Or they tell you it was your own choice and to deal with it. Of course keeping Caden was my choice, I KNOW this. But even then all it takes is a calm hand to quiet my racing heart so I can gather the strength and courage to try and believe I did the right thing and I am a good mother.
I guess I just more and more am feeling sympathy for those mothers who did flip. Not that I in any way justify what they did, but I can feel how low they must have been, how upset at themselves they feel because they can't "fix" their screaming baby, how everyone looks at them like they're horrible for not swaying with a screaming baby while singing relaxing lullabyes for ten hours straight. I'm sorry, I CAN"T do that. I can openly admit it to everyone, and maybe that makes me a bad mom because I dont have the patience of a saint stocked up to draw upon. I pray nightly to help calm my soul and give me peace in my heart so I can be more patient and a better mother to Caden, but I guess the delivery man lost that package because it hasnt arrived yet.
I just wish that people would understand it's not the baby I am upset with, it's MYSELF for not knowing how to comfort my own son. So when I am loosing it and just watching him scream and writhe around as if in pain, it's only because I dont know what to do, I dont know how to fix it, and the only thing I can do it watch him and trying to figure something out. I can't hold him, or I get too emotional and worry about being too enthusiastic about trying to calm him and end up hurting him instead. Plus he just squirms in my hands and screams in my ear reminding me of how horrible a mother I am for not making everything OK.
I just wish once in awhile someone would look past the frazzled appearance and the hard eyes and see my soul and how much I'm hurting and in pain too. That they would give me a hug to let me know it's OK and they're just here to help me help him, not to shove it in my face that I cant help him.
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