I know I have some unpopular opinions on this subject, that's fine. I just really don't understand how someone could deny their child the opportunity to know a biological parent if that BP WANTS to be involved.
Granted I am not talking about someone who's around for a weekend and wants to just pop in and say Hi and leave again. But I know several men who, as young adults were impulsive, reckless, and made lots of mistakes. They were simply incapable of even taking care of themselves, let alone being responsible for a human child. Once they were older they became wiser and many suddenly realized how huge of a mistake they'd made not being involved with their child. Some this took just a few months, some a couple years, and some never looked back.
I guess I feel that at a certain age a child is old enough to understand the situation and voice his or her own opinion. Before that age, I personally (and I understand this is an unpopular viewpoint and no one need feel they have to agree) feel that as a mother one of your responsibilities is to try and encourage a HEALTHY relationship between your child and his/her father. Notice I said HEALTHY. If FOB is clean, sober, and matured and willing and wanting to be involved with your child's life, why would you say no? Because he hurt YOU be walking out? Because there is the possibility for him to hurt your child? You cannot CONTROL that.
Anything he may have done to you or put you through needs to be kept separate from the child you two share. And I'm not talking about letting FOB just waltz back in without cause or care. But talk as mature adults about what you expect of him as a father if he wants to be involved again. If he agrees, start slowly, casual supervised visits, etc. If he flakes, calmly close the door and invite him to reopen if when the child turns 18.
In reference to adoption, parents may never get back their legal parenting rights, but they do sometimes develop a relationship with the child should BOTH parties agree to it. I know a couple mothers who, after a few years, requested to meet the child they'd given up for adoption. Now they are in contact with the child/adoptive family once or twice a year (usually birthday and holidays) and exchange pictures and just general information. They may regret not being able to be the full time mom, but they know their child is safe, happy, and secure. I see nothing wrong with having the same experience with a FOB. If he wants to become involved or informed, why not try to reach an agreement that doesn't disrupt the child but allows the child the opportunity to know his/her father.
I guess we both agree that the key point is to NOT disrupt the child or cause any hurt or harm. I grew up with a father in another state who, if it hadn't been for my mother's constant encouragement on both ends, we would have drifted apart and simply exchanged a Christmas card and picture once in awhile and never bother to have any more contact. But because my mother felt it important for me to know my father, she continued to encourage us both to remain in contact with each other.
Granted, my father was not abusive or a drug user. But while they were married he did drink a lot and was often out with his friends instead of home with her and me. She looked past that, looked past the hurt of being with someone who took her for granted and would drive home drunk and often leave her home alone to go out with the guys, and she saw a man who I deserved to know.
I know this is getting long, I'm sorry, it's just very complicated for me. On one hand I feel that when you engage in sex with someone you KNOW the risks that come with it. If you happen to conceive a child without intending too and you decide to keep the child, you should also know that you're giving yourself a tie to the FOB for the rest of your life. When you have an unplanned pregnancy you do not get to CHOOSE who the father of your baby is.
On the other hand, I also feel that since women are allowed the option to terminate the pregnancy or give the child up for adoption, fathers should also have SOME right to absolve themselves from any responsibility for the child. I just dont know how that would be accomplished just yet.
2 comments:
Hi Sarah, it's Mary (Jenna-n-Caties_mama from iVillage.) I agree with a lot of the points you made, but I have to point out that a lot of women make those decisions to protect their children. For example, Jenna is adopted through an open adoption agreement. Her birth mother even lived with us for a couple months after Jenna was born because she was trying to get her life back on track. Unfortunately, she "derailed" so to speak and started doing cocaine again while she was living with us, took off on a week long binge with the guy who was supplying her with the cocaine. It was at that point that my husband and I made the decision - for Jenna's safety - that her birth mother is not allowed anywhere near her until she is 18. Or old enough to protect herself emotionally, and honestly, that could be when she's 13 or 30. But who knows? Anyway, we made that decision not to be mean or hard hearted or to make her out to be the villian, but we had to do it in order to protect our family. We do send her pictures every six months through the adoption agency, though. :) Take care!
All I have to say is that I am glad Jason wants to be involved. But babies aren't free and being involved means both direct involvement and financial support!
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