Finally Feeling Like Mom

 

I love Cade. But there has been sooooooooo many times I look at him and think "When is someone coming to get you?" It just hasn't really sunk in yet that I am the mom. I'm not just babysitting, this is MY baby.

The past couple days I've been trying to play with him more instead of just keeping him entertained and I'm amazed to see how much he loves me. When I walk around the room he follows me with his eyes. When I look at him, he smiles from ear to ear and then ducks his head. He loves when I sit down with him and just hold him and look at him and talk to him.

Seeing this tiny little person look at me with nothing but pure joy and adoration... I suddenly understood what it feels like to be a mom. It's knowing that I would do ANYTHING in my power to protect this beautiful child who can love me with every fiber in his being before he even understands who I am. Who can become elated just because I've walked in the room and who loves to hear the sound of my voice.

More and more as each day passes I find myself looking out the window for that imaginary mom less and less. Little by little I feel myself understanding that I am his mother. I am the one who will come for him at the end of each day and tuck him into bed and kiss his forehead goodnight. I'm the one who will struggle with the math and science projects and clean the scrapped knees and fight the evil bedtime monsters that live in the closet.

I'm going to, and already do, have the power to make the world a beautiful place for a little boy just by BEING there. Just by holding him I can make his tears stop and turn his mouth into a smile. I can create laughter when I tickle his belly and I am the sole owner of those contented sighs he makes as he falls to sleep in my arms.

Who knew being a mother was so wonderful? Who knew something as simple and basic as a smile would suddenly become worth all the gold and jewels in the world? That I wouldn't have to think about how much I loved someone because the answer is so painfully obvious everytime I see him and my heart aches and knows that simply because he was born and is alive the world has forever been changed and my life altered...

I don't know why I havn't been able to feel this way since the day he was born. I know I loved him from the moment I found out he was alive in my womb, but there was never a time before recently where I wouldn't cringe and hesitate at the word "mom". I just couldn't comprehend how I could be a mother... surely there HAD to have been a mistake somewhere along the way. Someone upstairs MUST have messed up in allowing me to keep charge of another human being because everyone knows I can barely even take care of myself and even that's questionable... But here I am. Sitting here two hours after he's been laid to sleep in his crib, all snuggled in his blanket and I'm getting ready to pump for the third time since he's fallen asleep in my attempt to try and start breastfeeding again, because I know in my heart I will never forgive myself for quitting and depriving him the ability to be a boobie baby without first exhausting every possible effort. And in the back of my mind there isn't that small question of "when is he going home." I'm figuring out that he IS home. I AM his mother. We are a FAMILY.

Of course the transition isnt totally complete. There will still be days I wake up and suddenly realize there's a baby in my bed and I'm supposed to feed him. But hopefully those days will become further and further apart now. Since I'm finally accepting, and loving, the fact that I am a mother, I have a son, and our lives are perfect together.