a confession...

I'm really anxious for Cade to start doing SOMETHING. I dont care if it's crawling, sitting up on his own, babbling, ENJOYING food, sleeping through the night, ANYTHING! I hear of all these other babies on the September board who are doing ALL of the above and it makes me get squirmish and wonder if something is wrong with Cade, or if I'm doing something wrong. I know in my head Cade is perfectly on track, but it's the worrier in me that sits there and thinks "Why isnt he able to do that yet?"

I will forever wonder if the things I did before I knew I was pregnant will come back to haunt me later in life. If that New Years Eve, two days before the big fat positive, if that night will come into play later on when we're struggling to learn fractions or long division. If when a teacher suggests medication for ADHD because he doesnt want to stay in his desk all day, if I'll think back to that December and wonder if there why. I don't know how to let go of things...

But it's Easter today. Happy Easter. :-D

Hopefully I'll be able to have a good one... looking like another day at home with no one around and no car. *sigh* I'll take what I can get...

I've let myself stumble...

I really should have known better, and maybe in the back of my mind I did but I just didn't want to admit it. It just sucks to have it hit me out of the blue like this. I want to talk to someone, to have someone to lean on, to cry with, but this is my hurt and it was my choice. Just sucks... to have it happen without warning and for no reason.

I want to write more, but I think instead I'll cut this short and crawl into bed and allow myself a good indulgent cry before getting up tomorrow. I've already had a glass of wine...

I just wish I didnt feel so damn alone and isolated here. I wish I could call a friend and tell her to come over and pick me up a pack of smokes because I'm really needing a relapse and dont want to be alone. I wish I could sleep on the couch in front of the TV, passing out while watching stupid chick-flick movies.

And I wish I could throw my phone to the ground and watch it smash into a million pieces and tell him to go fuck himself for daring to do this to me. What an idiot. So willing to spend over a year dealing with a psycho abusive cheater, then chase me across the country with promises of love, devotion, and regrets of not proposing before, and then just *poof* just stop talking to me for no damn reason. It was bound to happen... one way or another he was going to be *him* and do something disrespectful and childish like before. I was just hoping maybe he'd grown up enough, and that we'd be dating long enough...

Guess we'll see what happens when I move there. Likely I'll be too damned busy and entertained to care much.

4 weeks left in the semester. damn. so far and yet so close...

Pizzabox Mug Shots

http://hosted.ap.org/dynamic/stories/P/PIZZA_WANTED_POSTERS?SITE=TXCOR&SECTION=HOME&TEMPLATE=DEFAULT

 

I LOVE this idea! Why shouldn't we use embarassment as a tactic to get people to own up to their responsibilities?

 

I do think there needs to be a way to make sure the children are not embarassed though, maybe have an age limit, like once the child turns five their parent is removed from the pizza box circulation? Who knows, but seriously was a cool idea. Parents who dont pay shouldn't have any rights to privacy.

This may be long, I'm sorry...

I stumbled upon the site www.43things.com and I've fallen in love with it. I've gone through and selected 43 things at the moment that I want on my to-do list and I'm trying to figure out how to make them happen. Here's my current list, although I imagine over the next month or two I will be changing it until I get everything I REALLY want on there.

Wants to do 43 things (Re-order)
get my life together 90 peopleadd an entry
To live instead of exist 5705 peopleadd an entry
become debt free 242 peopleadd an entry
live in a Bush-free America 4 peopleadd an entry
go on a road trip with no predetermined destination 10288 peopleadd an entry
be financially independent 939 peopleadd an entry
graduate from college 3380 peopleadd an entry
keep my blog updated 200 peopleadd an entry
donate hair to Locks of Love 605 peopleadd an entry
Do NaNoWriMo 374 peopleadd an entry
brew my own beer 401 peopleadd an entry
Stop talking about loosing weight and do it! 6 peopleadd an entry
Be happy without being in love. 188 peopleadd an entry
live up to my potential 103 peopleadd an entry
take dance lessons 461 peopleadd an entry
own a house 1130 peopleadd an entry
have a star named after me 109 peopleadd an entry
eat healthier 5390 peopleadd an entry
give up soda 77 peopleadd an entry
Continually Learn and Improve Myself 6 peopleadd an entry
be a good mother 535 peopleadd an entry
move back home 39 peopleadd an entry
drink more water 10645 peopleadd an entry
create the soundtrack to my life 805 peopleadd an entry
cook more 1158 peopleadd an entry
identify 100 things that make me happy (besides money) 3857 peopleadd an entry
find myself, know myself and then be myself 190 peopleadd an entry
live within my means 113 peopleadd an entry
write a book 13453 peopleadd an entry
quit smoking for good 226 peopleadd an entry
become more appreciative 1 personadd an entry
be better with money 46 peopleadd an entry
live fearlessly 64 peopleadd an entry
try something new 51 peopleadd an entry
hike the Grand Canyon 181 peopleadd an entry
Visit Hawaii 346 peopleadd an entry
build a savings account 4 peopleadd an entry
Send a message in a bottle 1849 peopleadd an entry
learn to listen 31 peopleadd an entry
Donate blood 1359 peopleadd an entry
Learn to play the piano 3993 peopleadd an entry
Finish what I start 2612 peopleadd an entry
Raise Credit Score to 700 1 personadd an entry

So, easy enough, but now when I look at some of these I wonder... how am I going to accomplish and cross things off my list if I dont DO something? If I dont spend time TRYING. So I've decided I need to set a time limit for the amount of time I spend online doing nothing, vs the amount of time I spend working on SOMETHING. Even if it's just writing another page in my novella, or washing an extra set of clothing, or working on crossing something off the list above.

I'm so sad at how my mom and I are getting along at the moment. I wish she and I had a good relationship like all those moms and daughters on the TV, but we just seem stuck in this horrible rut of fighting and bickering and not getting along.

And then there's B. Everything was going great until a week ago. We bickered, oddly enough because he said he wouldn't be able to financially support Cade and I (had I ever ASKED him too????) Things are supposed to be very casual and easy going, but I get the feeling he's starting to feel pressure for some reason. Like he's scared that I've grown up and have priorities and have goals and plans for life and no longer am the lost little girl I was when we were together. He also has mentioned being uncomfortable with my relationship with Jason. Since he and April hate each other, he doesnt understand how I can not be with Jason, and have Jason be the way he is, and not hate him and make life hell for him. I don't know the answer to that question. I just know that, as much as I loathe Jason at the moment, I know he is still Cade's father and that means he will always have a certain amount of respect from me. Respect that I won't bad mouth him and I will encourage Cade to know him and form his own opinion of him free from my influence and perspective. Maybe one day Jason will grow up and be the father Cade deserves, and if that happens, how will I look for badmouthing him?

I just want to be happy again. I want to be able to live without being questioned for every step I take, every decision I make. I want to feel comfortable in my own home, and not nervous and anxious. I know that if I continue to live with my mom, we will continue to hurt each other and build a poor relationship. I don't want that. I just don't want to hurt her either.

I paid off my credit cards today. I'm so proud of doing this. I want to make a real effort to building a smart future for Cade and I, this is the first step. Thank you tax return!

And I'm off to bed. So tired. :)
<3 Me

Another Sarah-ism

This isn't exactly so much something I did, but still something which very much is a part of who I am.

As I was washing the dishes after slaving all day making another batch of baby food for Caden, I noticed my mom looking at me funny.

Out of no where, she goes, "Sarah..."

"Yeah?" I respond, still scrubbing the dishes.

"You have a..." And she starts pointing at my rear end.

'Great' I think, 'I ripped my pants or something.'

Then she looks around to make sure no one's listening, leans towards me from across the room, and nearly mumbles, "You have a black butt."

It takes everything in me not to burst out laughing as I go "It's called a ghetto booty mom."

Yes I have always been bootylicious and proud.

But THIS is why we have so many problems...

Finally Friday! Weee! How exciting! This is the first Friday I've been excited for in a long long time. Mainly because this week at school sucked so horribly I wanted to get it over with and start a new week fresh and on a better foot. Has that every happened to you? Ever had a week that you just couldn't wait to get through because you knew the next one you'd do better at?

I have a tough month coming up on me. We're turning into the final stretch for school, 5 weeks to go, and I can already feel the pressure. I constantly wonder to myself though, what was so hard about this before? Why was I never able to care enough about my future before to do this? It's so EASY, especially at the community college level, there is NOTHING to it. I sail through my classes with minimal work (thank you Lord for my natural smarts, I don't know where I'd be without them) and I'm able to have solid B's in my classes. With a little extra effort, I may make 4 As and 1 B in the end.

I am just continually amazed at how my outlook on life and almost anything and everything has changed since I became a mother. I always thought people were exaggerating when they said that, but it's so true. I look at things I was doing and shake my head at myself and go "WHY!" I don't understand why I thought a 40 hour work week was so exhausting. It's NOTHING really. I tell my friends to WORK as much as they can now and pay off everything they can and then save whatever they can because there will come a time when they no longer have the luxury of being able to do that and they'll kick themselves for it.

Cade witnessed his first power outage today. He didn't mind much. We just cuddled on the couch, played a little solitaire, and snuggled and talked about Mr. Ducky and LinkyDoo. He tells the most amazing stories this little one does.

When it was time for dinner I panicked because there was no way to warm his food, but I remembered how my mom had (behind my back) bought 6 Gerber Organic babyfood cubes. We'd already had a discussion about how I went through the trouble of making his food, and it only needed 45 seconds in the microwave to be ready, and it was how I wanted to feed him, use the food I made!!!!!! So I reach into the drawer and *gasp* they are ALL gone.

I asked my mom where she moved them, and she goes "Oh, well, I used them."

WHAT! Do you not realize that I expressly told you I wanted to use the food I prepared for him instead of the packaged stuff? We've had this discussion nearly a dozen times now. I don't know how to make her understand this is NOT her kid. Cade is MINE and I make the decisions. If I want him to eat homemade babyfood, that's what he will eat. Got it?

So then she gets defensive and goes "we'll it's only when you're not here to make your food."

Again, what is so difficult about taking two ice cubes of frozen pureed fruits and veggies, putting them in a bowl, and hitting "45 seconds" on the microwave?

So then she goes to the other cupboard and pulls out a new jar of babyfood and goes "They were on sale."

I look at the ingredients : Bananas, water, citric acid, corn syrup, another acid

This is why I want to make my OWN food for Caden. I do not want him eating babyfood with added ingredients. I want him to get used to eating fresh fruits and veggies and develop healthy eating habits. He will not have soda before he's 4 or 5 years old. He will learn to enjoy drinking water over juice, and I till teach him how to make healthy snack choices.

But yet again, my mother has decided that this is "silly", and went behind my back to buy jarred baby food with crap ingredients to feed to my kid because obviously I am not capable of making an educated decision about this topic.

Just like I wasn't able to make a decision about when I wanted to start feeding him solids and that became an almost nightly argument.

She does not know how to back off and let me parent my child. This is why I am always so upset and angry and never feel fully supported by her.

I would have no problem if she would ask me to make sure I have Cade's breakfast ready before I leave for school in the morning. I just assumed she was comfortable with feeding him the food I made.

And the kicker? As I feed him these nasty sugared bananas, she walks by and goes "He always likes your food better than the jarred."

Well if that's so, why don't you feed him it?

I just don't know what to do anymore.

Mother of the Year Award goes to...

Me. :(

Today I grumpily set Cade on the sofa with a toy, turned around to lay a blanket on the floor for him to play on, turned back around and saw him pitch head first off the sofa onto the hardwood floor.

That image is forever burned into my memory, seeing his head landing on the floor and the rest of his body following. It almost seemed photoshopped, like someone cut out a picture of him sitting and turned it around to make it look like he was balancing on his head.

I also just BOMBED a test today, I'm talking like 50% (or lower) bombed. Ugh. I'm slipping right now in my study habits and loosing interest. The weather is nice, I want to be out doing things, and stuff happening in my personal life is taking over my thoughts and it's hard to push it all to the back of my mind and concentrate on studying.

Maybe he'll give me some extra credit or something...