I love him.

I'm feeling the need to make another sappy post tonight. I've snuck into his room and watched him sleep. I've rested my cheek on my hand as I lean against the crib and see his tiny body move in rythm with his breathing. I've taken great care to really look at him, to see his smallness, how young and youthful he is. To be able to cherish every moment, that is my goal.

I'm alrady looking back on his baby pictures and shaking my head because I DONT remember it. I dont remember him being that little. I dont remember what it was like to hold him in my hands when he was 2 weeks... 6 weeks. I dont remember what it was like to feel him snuggles close to me breastfeeding and sleeping soundly for an hour at a time. I know that I miss it, but I'm not sure exactly what I'm missing.

I dont want to have those feelings about this time. I want to be able to remember this. I want to be able to look back and remeber when he was crawling around the house in his diaper. His hands smacking on the tile as he motored from one side of the house to the other. His one leg in the air because he never seemed to learn how to keep BOTH knees on the ground.

I want to be able to remember it all.

He doesnt snuggle with me at night anymore. He doesnt sleep with me, I can't rock him to sleep, he's just not a little baby. I was talking to a classmate today about her baby and how they sleep together and I was thinking about how I want that. I would love to be able to just crawl nto bed with Cade and snuggle together. To be able to feel his breath on my nose, his feet kicking into my thighs. There are so many things which I second guess about myself, about my mothering. So many things I wonder if I'm not being too strict, or too uptight about.

*sigh*

Come back and ask me in twenty years.