But THIS is why we have so many problems...

Finally Friday! Weee! How exciting! This is the first Friday I've been excited for in a long long time. Mainly because this week at school sucked so horribly I wanted to get it over with and start a new week fresh and on a better foot. Has that every happened to you? Ever had a week that you just couldn't wait to get through because you knew the next one you'd do better at?

I have a tough month coming up on me. We're turning into the final stretch for school, 5 weeks to go, and I can already feel the pressure. I constantly wonder to myself though, what was so hard about this before? Why was I never able to care enough about my future before to do this? It's so EASY, especially at the community college level, there is NOTHING to it. I sail through my classes with minimal work (thank you Lord for my natural smarts, I don't know where I'd be without them) and I'm able to have solid B's in my classes. With a little extra effort, I may make 4 As and 1 B in the end.

I am just continually amazed at how my outlook on life and almost anything and everything has changed since I became a mother. I always thought people were exaggerating when they said that, but it's so true. I look at things I was doing and shake my head at myself and go "WHY!" I don't understand why I thought a 40 hour work week was so exhausting. It's NOTHING really. I tell my friends to WORK as much as they can now and pay off everything they can and then save whatever they can because there will come a time when they no longer have the luxury of being able to do that and they'll kick themselves for it.

Cade witnessed his first power outage today. He didn't mind much. We just cuddled on the couch, played a little solitaire, and snuggled and talked about Mr. Ducky and LinkyDoo. He tells the most amazing stories this little one does.

When it was time for dinner I panicked because there was no way to warm his food, but I remembered how my mom had (behind my back) bought 6 Gerber Organic babyfood cubes. We'd already had a discussion about how I went through the trouble of making his food, and it only needed 45 seconds in the microwave to be ready, and it was how I wanted to feed him, use the food I made!!!!!! So I reach into the drawer and *gasp* they are ALL gone.

I asked my mom where she moved them, and she goes "Oh, well, I used them."

WHAT! Do you not realize that I expressly told you I wanted to use the food I prepared for him instead of the packaged stuff? We've had this discussion nearly a dozen times now. I don't know how to make her understand this is NOT her kid. Cade is MINE and I make the decisions. If I want him to eat homemade babyfood, that's what he will eat. Got it?

So then she gets defensive and goes "we'll it's only when you're not here to make your food."

Again, what is so difficult about taking two ice cubes of frozen pureed fruits and veggies, putting them in a bowl, and hitting "45 seconds" on the microwave?

So then she goes to the other cupboard and pulls out a new jar of babyfood and goes "They were on sale."

I look at the ingredients : Bananas, water, citric acid, corn syrup, another acid

This is why I want to make my OWN food for Caden. I do not want him eating babyfood with added ingredients. I want him to get used to eating fresh fruits and veggies and develop healthy eating habits. He will not have soda before he's 4 or 5 years old. He will learn to enjoy drinking water over juice, and I till teach him how to make healthy snack choices.

But yet again, my mother has decided that this is "silly", and went behind my back to buy jarred baby food with crap ingredients to feed to my kid because obviously I am not capable of making an educated decision about this topic.

Just like I wasn't able to make a decision about when I wanted to start feeding him solids and that became an almost nightly argument.

She does not know how to back off and let me parent my child. This is why I am always so upset and angry and never feel fully supported by her.

I would have no problem if she would ask me to make sure I have Cade's breakfast ready before I leave for school in the morning. I just assumed she was comfortable with feeding him the food I made.

And the kicker? As I feed him these nasty sugared bananas, she walks by and goes "He always likes your food better than the jarred."

Well if that's so, why don't you feed him it?

I just don't know what to do anymore.

Mother of the Year Award goes to...

Me. :(

Today I grumpily set Cade on the sofa with a toy, turned around to lay a blanket on the floor for him to play on, turned back around and saw him pitch head first off the sofa onto the hardwood floor.

That image is forever burned into my memory, seeing his head landing on the floor and the rest of his body following. It almost seemed photoshopped, like someone cut out a picture of him sitting and turned it around to make it look like he was balancing on his head.

I also just BOMBED a test today, I'm talking like 50% (or lower) bombed. Ugh. I'm slipping right now in my study habits and loosing interest. The weather is nice, I want to be out doing things, and stuff happening in my personal life is taking over my thoughts and it's hard to push it all to the back of my mind and concentrate on studying.

Maybe he'll give me some extra credit or something...

Moving On...

It's time to share pictures with everyone.

Can you believe Cade is 6 months already? Well 6 months and nearly 2 weeks. It boggles my mind. I cannot understand how this tiny person actually came from my womb. He is so amazing in every aspect, just the thought of knowing that without me, this person, this personality, this giver of smiles and bright blue eyed snuggler would never have existed.


How awesome is the power of motherhood.



We are not yet crawling, but he's trying so very hard. He often gets on his hands and knees and rocks back and forth and looks at me like "Doesnt this deserve a chocolate cookie?"


And he's so PROUD of himself. Who knew babies could be proud? But he can, and he is. Every time he learns something new or reaches a new milestone he squeals and babbles and yaks until someone comes and watch him display this new talent... over and over and over again until you're stuck thinking to yourself "When is he old enough to send to his room again?"


But the smiles...


No one told me how amazing and precious and priceless those smiles would become. How anxious you are to return back to home just so you can walk in and see him look at you and give you one of THOSE smiles.


It's moments like these, that I see him, see how much he worships me, and I know that I wouldn't hesitate a single moment to risk life and limb to be able to see him smile even one more time.


He still doesnt sleep through the night. In fact he wakes up about four times still. And his napping skills are not fully developed, but he's the love of my life and the reason why I no longer complain or care about how sleep deprived I am. About how my eyes burn during the day, or how I no longer care if I get a shower in everyday. If we're doing every other day we're just fine. How I am quite happy with getting B's in my classes because if it means sacrificing time with him to make A's, I'll stick with the B's and know that one letter grade is worth being able to spend an extra hour with him each day.


He's just become my everything.


I get so excited when I think about all the things we can do when he's older. All the places I can take him, sights to show him, lessons to help teach him.


I want to take vacations with him and show him how to find the beauty in a simple sunset. How to stop and catch your breath and find the awe and wonder in the world around you. How to not get caught up in the fast pace of society and miss the true lessons of life.



And, believe it or not, I'm looking forward to the messes, the trouble, the breaking of things. I'm looking forward to all the predicaments he will get himself into along the way. Those are the memories you have, the times worth remembering.

But for now, he's still my little angel face.

and I'm just waiting for it to be nap time...

a dose of reality

I've wanted to write for so long, but it seems each time I open this up I end up closing it in frustration again. I don't like admitting the truth to myself, but even worse I don't like to admit I don't know what the truth is.

Something has happened in the last week I feel very compelled to write about, because not writing it, not expressing myself on this, is causing me to become quite bitter and resentful at what happened. However, writing anywhere else but here will likely cause more problems and I'd rather just have this fade away into the background.

Someone has manipulated and used me for their own sick and twisted pleasure and enjoyment. They allowed their own pettiness to overcome their maturity, played me for a fool, took advantage of my trust, and in the end gleefully allowed the blame to fall on me without care or concern for setting the record straight.

Normally I wouldn't be so upset about this, but because of this person's actions I have been shunned by a group of women I liked, enjoyed, and thought were cool pals to converse with on the internet. Granted I now know how many of those women were really my "friends", but even a few of the women I was quite close too and talked too often and traded deep secrets with turned on me when the skies were grey.

It's forever tainted how I will look at this women and removed so much of the fun I had talking to them and getting to know them. It's a shock to see how ball-less people really are when it comes down to it. They like to talk a lot of shit, but when it comes time to back it up they turn mute and dumb.

To the person who did this to me, and yes I know who you are now. I will never confront you about this. What good would it do? You will forever deny you ever had anything to do with anything. Instead we will continue to talk as we did before and you will never have any indication that this is about you. Only your own guilt for treating me this way will eat at you and hopefully torment you until you confess on your own accord and apologize to me.

To those who so eagerly placed the blame on me. I have little to say to you. I cannot change your mind and I have no desire to defend myself on something I did not do. I simply am pissed that you all were so willing to believe I did these things, and never once thought about maybe just ASKING me. I've lost respect for you, but thankfully we were never friends.

To those who stood by and did nothing. It is you who anger me the most. Inaction is one of the worst crimes you can commit in m book. Take a stand and stick by it. Don't allow others to think for you and don't follow the crowd to save your own ass. And now you are all whimpering with your tails between your legs, too ashamed of what you failed to do to even contact me, but instead have turned to ignoring me. As if by not talking to me you won't have to admit to yourselves how cowardly you were for not saying something sooner.

another Sarah-ism

Added to Vault of Sarah-isms

Two days ago my brother was writing a paper and asked me how to spell "delicious".

Now, those of you who KNOW me know I cannot spell for the life of me. In fact, I once told my dad that the only way I was able to correctly spell words, was to spell them in a way that looked wrong to me and I'd know they were right. Most correctly spelled words look like they're misspelled to me. Add it to the vault of "Sarah-isms" and let's move on.

So I stare at him for a minut and reply:

"D"

Pause

"e"

long pause

"Oh! D - to the E to the L I C I O U S"

My brother looks at me like I've lost it and asks "What?"

I calmly reply "d to the e to the l i c i o u s ya know, the Fergie song?"

He types the word out and we both return to our former activities.

And then it took me another day and a half before I burst out laughing at how retarted that was.

True Friends

Anytime you have a sosial network on the internet where people can "meet" and make new friends you're bound to have people being diffferent than they really are. It's just understood, being online gives you a certain ... ability to create a whole new persona if the shoe fits. Then it never fails that eventually those who pretended to be something they're not drop the act and become their true self. This is when it starts to lose the fun. When people you thought you knew turn out to be someone else and you're left wondering if everyone is the same way.

 

I hate this stage in "internetships". There are a few, very very few, people I have come to talk too and be friends with who never did this. They never pretended to be any different than they really are and we've had some amazing friendships. They've actually been able to help show me what a real true friendship is. You can disagree with each other, you can get angry at each other, but in the end it's those moments that make you realize how much you enjoy the other person and how glad you are to have them in your life.

 

I'm seriously thinking of letting go of a couple social networks I've belonged to throughout my pregnancy and after becaue of how the people are changing now. It's not fun anymore. I mis it being fun.

 

<3 Me

Welcome Back To Me

I know this is only being written because it's 11 PM and I'm wiped out and so ready for bed and so tired of already having everything go "this" way again.

I got back from MI yesterday in the afternoon. My parents got back from Hawaii in the late late evening. Last night Cade and I did pretty well together alone, with only one glitch because my mom moved everything around (all his supplies) while I was gone so I didnt know where his bath items were or his wipes, etc. Made me irritated for awhile.

This morning everything was going great, until I had both brothers come up to me twice telling me to let mom sleep in because they all got in so late last night. This just set me in a bad mood to begin. I dont really know why, maybe it was because they made me feel like I was going to try and just pawn Cade off on my mom. Maybe it was because I had kinda hoped to get a shower in before school. Whatever the reason, it didnt get my day started on the right foot.

Cade took an hour long nap, and I napped on the couch. When he woke up I took him to my mom so I cold get ready for school and ended up having to watch him while I got ready and was stumbling around my room trying to find everything while trying to keep him happy and it, again, started my day on the wrong foot. My mom was in the other room chatting on the phone about her "horrible" experience being stuck in Hawaii for an extra 4 days - with everything paid by the airline and spending cash to boot - I just kept thinking to myself "Why am I here? This would be so much easier on my own"

School day went fine, I missed the lil buggar. Came home and after ten minutes my mom climbed into my bed to take a nap. This REALLY irritates me, not just her napping all the time after I get home, but how she decides to climb into my bed to do it. We get fast food for dinner, again, because she didnt have time to cook and was too tired, fine whatever.

Then I notice that my CD player is broken. My mom BROKE m D@MNED Cd player. She told me she was trying to change the CD and pulled on the part that moves the CD in and out of the player. WTFH? She's all nonchalant about it. Seriously, WTFH? It's all jammed up and wont play anything right now and I'm so ticked about this I want to cry. WHY would you pull on anything? There is an EJECT button there for a reason. I just dont get it, really I dont.

Whatever, I'll just let it go and stay pissed on my own. We start putting Cade to bed, I get online. After awhile she and my brother walk back in the living room laughing. Apparently they decided while I was online to sneak Cade from his crib into my mom's room and spend an hour playing with him. WTFH? I thought we just had this conversation that I was Cade's mom? WHY would you keep my tired cranky baby up later than he needs to be? This kid is SOOOOOOOOOOOOO overtired from our trip in MI and needs to sleep for three days to catch back up on everything.

Then later I'm talking to my mom and tell her that I just feel like I'm always the daughter living here and never a mother. She says "well when you ask me to give him a bath you give away part of being the mother" WTFH? Bathtime is FUN. It's something I thought she'd WANT to do since she just spent a week away from him and was talking about how much she missed him. And how is letting someone else give your kid a bath related to not feeling like a mom? Guess I know better than to think she'd want to do something fun with him. It's not like I dumped a poopie diaper on her lap, I actually cleaned that for her before she bathed him.

Now, at 11 PM, I'm trying to go to bed and he wakes up. I give him his paci and notice that he's SOAKED. My mom put on the cheap diapers that I bought the last day in MI because I was out and needed SOMETHING for 24 hours. I didnt put these diapers in our diaper holder for a reason, but I guess she decided to use them anyway and now his crib is SOAKING wet, his jammies are soaked, and he smells bad. I put down new sheets, changed him, wiped him down good, and then let him with his paci and Ocean Wonders on and walked out. I'm too tired to deal with this right now. He's going to be up every couple hours all night, I have an 8 AM class, and I can't play his lullabye CD because she broke the CD player today. I'm just sooooooooooooooo pissed.

All week in MI I never had any problems like these. Never. I dont understand what it is about this place that just makes it seem like everything goes wrong. Why do they think it's OK to mess with his bedtime like that, KNOWING that he's going to be up all night now. She and I have argued about this over and over again. I want Cade to go to bed at 6 PM. She continues to tell me that's too early and HER kids never went to bed that early and my stepdad wants to see him when he gets home so I need to keep him up.

Nothing I ever do is right to her. nothing. I overhear her telling her friends on the phone that she "forgets" Cade isn't hers and feels like she's the mom. WTH? She watches him while I'm in school and does his laundry from time to time. I really feel like she really thinks she's the mother with Cade and it's causing so many problems.

I am just so SICK of everything here. Not even back ONE day and it goes to hell.

 

I'll write about my AMAZING trip to MI soon...

A Very Good Day

My Darling Cade,

 

Today has been the proudest and most important day of my life. Today is the day I finally realized I'm a good mom to you and I know what the hell I'm doing.

 

You're nearly six months right now, just a week shy in fact, and you've changed and grown in ways I could never have imagined. I see newborn infants and I marvel in awe at knowing you were once just a mere 8 lbs 2 oz and 20 inches long. It seems so surreal that in six short months you've inspired change in my life that I was unable to do for 22 years. You have forced me to become a better person in order to be a competent mother to you.

 

So what made today so special? What opened my eyes and inspired such confidence in me? Today I proved to myself, and everyone else, I could do it alone.

 

You woke me at 5:30 as you're tending to do these days. It's not exactly a time I enjoy waking up at, but so far you seem perfectly content to continue. I let you play in your swing for a period of time while I tried to squeeze in a few more minutes of sleep. When I gave into your complaining, we cuddled in bed and played together. You've started to reach for me this past week. You smile when you see me and you reach out to me when I'm next to you and pull yourself close to me as if you just can't get near enough to me. You have a funny little noise you make which sounds something like "awh". You say this when you look at me, at my face, and smile from ear to ear, both cheeks raised to your eyes, as if you could just burst with joy. So we played together, and you smiled at me, and I forgave you for waking me up so damned early.

 

At seven I started to get you dressed and myself ready. No one else was awake yet and I had decided to take you with me to the gym to work out. For the first time today, I left you in the care of someone I'd never met before. It was a liberating experience. Being able to kiss you on the head, leave you with the KidsKorner woman, and walk the 25 feet across the room to the elliptical machine and spend 45 minutes working out. What made this so liberating was that there was no one else there telling me what to do, I was doing it all on my own. I got us both dressed and ready to leave, I got us to the gym early in the morning, I made the decision to trust my instinct on allowing this strange woman to watch you while I worked out, and there was no one there for me to feel obligated to ask if they agreed with me, if I was doing everything OK.

 

After working out you and I went back home, I showered and changed and then we went out to breakfast with Ama Lisa. Afterwards we drove to the Mall to meet Lacey for a day of shopping. Six hours and a few hundred dollars later... LOL. We had a grand ole time and headed home. You were so good all day. At home we played together, you rolled around and tried to crawl and jumped in your jumperoo. I could tell you were burning off all that jittery energy you'd pent up from being in the car seat all day long.

 

As I started to get you ready for bed, I thought about how at lunch you where trying to reach for my drink and hold it yourself and figure out how to drink it. I also started to think about how much you'd been drinking of your formula these past few days and decided it was time to try and see if you were ready for solids. Especially since you'd started to loose interest in your bottles towards the end almost as if you were done and didnt need anymore.

 

The very first bite of cereal (the only thing we had in the house to that you could eat) you took it, looked at me, seemed to roll it around your mouth a little and swallowed it like a pro. There was no awkward faces, no cringing, no shoving it back out with your tongue. You just took it all in stride and ate bite after bite after bite, with hardly any coming back out. I watched you eat, how you opened your mouth wide as I brought the spoon in closer just like you'd been eating from a spoon your whole life, and I thought about how proud I was of myself then and there.

 

I had made the decision to hold off on solids until you were six months. I fought tooth and nail with Ama Lisa about this, each week having a new battle over why I felt this way and why I wanted her to just let me be... I told her time and time again when you were ready we would know and you would know how to eat the food, we wouldn't have to force it down your throat. Now watching you right then and there I could see how I was right. I'd made the right choice, I'd done the right thing.

 

I knew then I could trust myself to make the right choices. That I didnt need anyone else telling me what to do. I had you all day to myself (with Lacey) and we didnt get upset once. We were happy, having fun, enjoying each other. And when I put you to bed, you went right to sleep with only a short obligatory protest.

 

I love you, sweet Cade. I love you more than I can even understand or comprehend. Today you have shown me that I can do this. I can take care of you, I can be your mother, we can have fun together. And I can trust my instincts on what is the best choice for us. I dont need to let anyone try to talk me out of what I decide... I am capable of making up my own mind, by myself. And I can trust the conclusions I come too.

 

<3 Mommi