M to the A...

to the L I C I O U S, Mamalicious!

I joined the gym the other day. I'm very excited. I've only been there two times, but I'm so impressed with the equipment they have and the facility.

 

Part of singing up is I have one free session with a personal trainer. This is really cool, but since I'm so new to working out again after baby I thought I would wait a month or so before making my session. Let myself get back into the groove a little. My sales person had other ideas...

 

First let me introduce you to Big John. Yes they actually call him that. Big John is 6 foot tall, built like a linebacker, and looks a lot like Michael Clarke Duncan. He waltzs me over to the personal trainers booth and tells them I want to make an appointment. Uh, scuce me? I didnt say that? And then, of course, the youngest, prettiest male personal trainer happens to turn around, his blonde locks flowing, and goes "Great!"

 

Now, please, someone explain to me why is it that when you're at your worst and trying to improve yourself that they give you the HOT guy? When you waltz in there all sexi and ready to show off they give you the old guy that couldn't lift a 5 lbd dumbell if his life depended on it. Anyway... Mr. Hot Trainer also happens to be short, I mean like 5'6 short. Why are all the short guys skinny? I dont know if I've ever seen a short fat guy. Short fat kids, yes, but then they become adults and they're not fat anymore...

 

Moving on again, I have my appointment with Mr. Hot Short Trainer Guy tomorrow at 8 PM. I'm really nervous because I dont want to work out in front of him, I dont want to embarass myself in front of anyone. Just leave me alone with my water bottle and timer and let me laugh at myself in privacy for being so patheticly out of shape. Dont make it any worse by WATCHING me struggle to finish 30 minutes on level one.  

 

Moving on one more time here...

 

School is trailing along. I should be doing something to prep for tomorrow's classes but I'm pretty sure I'm just going to say screw that and go to bed early. I'm sooooooooooooo tired today and just want to sleep.

 

Any maybe tomorrow I'll have something else to write about.

 

~ Me

Two guesses...

The Doctor's office called today to tell me my Pap back in December was abnormal. Apparently, I now have HPV.

 

Those are very dangerous words to tell someone over the phone and not back up with more information and details. Okay, so, obviously I can google HPV and find out lots of information, I wont post it all here though. What I will post is how terrifying it is to have someone tell you that you have HPV, and you know that SOME strands cause cancer. SOME strands cause warts. SOME strands are bad, but how the hell do I know which is which?

 

"According to an article published in 1997 in the American Journal of Medicine, about 74 percent of Americans--nearly three out of four--have been infected with genital HPV at some point in their lives. " link : http://www.ashastd.org/hpv/hpv_learn_myths.cfm

 

Okay, so that makes me feel a LITTLE better, I know I'm not the only one, but it still pisses me off that they can't tell me over the phone if I have a high-risk strand or not for cancer. Please people, that's ALL I want to know. How bad is it going to be? What am I facing?

 

Now on to more important matters, although it really doesnt matter, two guess as to where this came from... I've already called them both.

Questions and goals...

I'm at school right now, during break, which I only have an hour break each day. It's just enough time for me to eat something, pump for twenty minutes, and then get to my next class. If I'm lucky, like today, I'm not very hungry and skip the eating part and get online to print offf class notes and check my email before running to pump.

Anyway... I've decided to try out the LAFitness gym nearby. It's open until midnight most weeknights which is perfect for me because Caden usually goes to sleep around 7 ish and then I can feel free to eat something and get over to the gym and not feel rushed to finish before 10 which is when most of the gyms around here close. I've printed off a "free guest pass" today and plan on trying it out tonight.

I've never been able to follow a weight loss plan before, I hate the whole concept of one really. My goal isn't how many pounds I loose it's how I feel about myself. I want to feel good about my body and since I've had Caden I just don't. I've always had issues with my body image and in high school had borderline eating disorders, but now more than ever I want to be a hot momma.

My body has forever been changed since carrying a baby and I'm willing to respect that. I'm just not willing to stay overweight. I know exercising will also help my mood by helping to reduce stress and allow me to sleep better. I just need to have a way to make sure I continue to go to the gym.

Anyway, need to jet off to pump before class...

... Love, Me ...

A random update

I know I need to update more, I totally agree...

 

I'm just afraid of writing, afraid of facing the truth and admitting it to anyone... There are things I'm allowing to happen that I dont know WHY I am. I just know a lot has changed since coming to Texas and my way of thinking has changed as well.

 

Let's see if I can get things started with posting some things I've written lately...

 

Email to Corrine:

 

lets see if I can respond to everything. today has been a ROUGH day and I'm a mess at the moment.

 

How is Everything?

 

Everything sucks (at least tonight). I'm so tired of everything right now. I'm tired of not enjoying life. I'm tired of having no friends. I'm tired of living with my parents, of spending every minute doing something for someone else and getting heck when I want some time to myself. I'm tired of being a mom and no longer being able to do anything for myself, that everything has to be about him and I have to be a grown up now. I'm tired of how fast the days go by and how little I accomplish each day. I'm tired of fighting him every day to get him to go to sleep or take a nap. I'm tired of waking up early, going to school, struggling to stay awake, coming home, getting the baby, spending hours holding and playing with the baby and then spending hours fighting to get him to go to bed. Then after I study and do homework and go to climb into bed he wakes up. I'm tired of being up every 2 hours and always being in a bad mood and short tempered because of lack of sleep.

 

I love Cade more than I could have ever imagined and I wouldn't trade him for the world, but I just wish things were a little easier. I wish I had SOME sort of happiness to make it better. B and I talk every few days and every time after he tells me how much he misses me and loves me and wants me to come back home, and after I vent and rant about how things are here, he gives me a subtle offer to move in with him. Sometimes not so subtle.

 

It's just so hard right now because I want to give Cade EVERYTHING, and to do that I need to be able to have a good career and make good money, and to do that I need to have a degree so I'll be hired, and to be able to go to school I need to be here so I can have someone watch baby for free and where I dont need to worry about making rent.

 

 I really want yur opinion on the having another baby thing.

 

Oh boy... Corrine it's interesting about this because I look at Cade and know all the trouble and how hard it has been and I STILL want another one ALREADY! I sit there at night and wonder about when the next time will be, how long it'll be until I decide to start trying, will it be different being pregnant with a baby I've planned and wanted even before she was conceived?

 

I think you need to be VERY careful and honest with yourself and make sure that if you decide to have another it's not because you want Kaelian back. This next baby will be her OWN person and should not be compared to Kaelian. That said, I see nothing wrong with being a Solo mom. However, I do think you need to have the means to be able to provide and take care of yourself and your child. That also include financial means. You should have a few thousand dollars in savings in case something happens so you wont be one check away from being evicted. You should probably have a reliable car that's paid off. Not everything has to be perfect, but you should be as prepared as possible. You know better than anyone being a mom is not about YOU it's about your baby. Your baby deserves to have a mother who doesnt need to work 60 hours a week just to make rent and has to skip dinner once in awhile because the utility bill needs to be paid and she doesnt have enough left over for groceries.

 

Is it horrible of me though that at night I think about how badly I want another one and how much I wish I could start trying later in the summer for number two? And to top it off, how strongly I desire for B to be the one I'm with when I'm trying... See, we're both royally screwed up since becoming a mom. Babies are just so addicting!

 

My advice, Corrine, is that once you finish your schooling/training and have a stable and steady job and can support yourself and have a little padded away for a rainy day, go fuck whomever you want and have a baby if that's what you want to do. I think children are better off in a two parent home, but at the same time a strong woman like yourself should be plenty capable of providing enough love and structure to overcome not having a daddy there every night. And who knows, maybe you'll even get married. :)

 

Just think long and hard before doing anything... and remember this while you're thinking...

You'll never regret the children you have, only the children you DON'T have.

 

End Email

 

We'll save B for last in this update.

 

I avoid writing because I'm so miserable and I dont want to think about it. The biggest problem is that I am a VERY social person. I love to communicate with people all the time. I NEED interaction in order to stay emotionally stable. Moving has put me in a place where I know no one and am inside the house all day long with no job to even give me a break and everyone expects me to be OK with it.

 

Maybe that's another problem, everyone expects me to be OK right now. When I complain about something, they look at me like I'm from Venus. Yes I know how lucky I am to have this opportunity, doesnt mean I HAVE to be happy and enjoy it. The jews in the prison camps during the holocaust were thankful for any food they could have while there, doesnt mean they LIKED it and thought it tasted good. They just knew it was a means of survival. That's how I view being in TX right now, it's my means of survival. I wont be able to make it without going through this.

 

I've been surprised too how no one has mentioned PPD to me. My family is so very plagued with depression and after my abortion I experienced PPD, so why is it now no one in my family has said anything? I told my mom today I dont fix things by taking a bunch of pills and waiting for them to work, I fix things by figuring how how to make it better and fix it. I've noticed I get so angry at night and want to throw things sometimes, and I know it stems from frustration and excess energy, so I want to join a gym and sweat it off. If I can know that I'm going to be going somewhere and running for an hour and let all the worries and problems of the day just leak out of me it'll be so much better.

Things between my mom and I are improving, but it's just really hard. My schedule during the week is as follows

 

Monday: up at 6:30

Leave for school at 7:30

Home at 3 PM

Have baby until bed time at 6:45

Listen to crying baby for 1 hour, feel like throwing myself out the window

Homework

Check email

Baby wakes up at 10 PM, get him back to sleep

Email/homework

Baby wakes up at 12:30, bring into bed for night just to get some sleep

 

And the rest of the week is pretty much the same. Some days I get out earlier or start a little later, but over all its just constant work and pushing myself and being secluded and just... Why do I have to LIKE this life style?

 

I'm not looking for pity. I'm just dealing with the consequences of my past decisions and that means lots of hard work to get myself where I want to be in the end. I just dont understand why people are so upset when I dont act like little miss sunshine all the time. I've lost EVERYTHING that my life used to be, for Christ's sake let me mourn a little here...

 

J continues to call me nearly every day. It annoys me. I dont call him back all the time, but I just dont know without being mean how to make him understand that it's really 100% OVER.

 

and now onto B.

 

I don't know what to write about him. I know some people will be upset or feel disappointment in me, and that's fine. One thing I've come to learn by leaving everything behind and starting over is how little I care what people think of me who I don't see on a daily basis. I just dont have time anymore. There is one of you, though, who is the exception to this rule. You I care deeply about and treasure and wish to be able to call you my friend until the day they lay me in the ground. You may be affected most by this, and I'm truely very sorry and saddened by that.

 

Before I left MI, B and I spent some time together and did a lot of talking. He's been a source of counsel on my issues with Cade's dad, and a support system never failing to tell me how I'm an amazing mother. He's both caused and stoped tears, but overall he became a friend again when I had thought he was a chapter in my life that would never be revisited again.

 

While we were talking in MI he confessed deep feelings for me. I know in my heart that no matter how much I tried to let go, move on, forget and stop caring for him I hadn't. I had learned how to IGNORE the feelings I felt, but they were still there inside. He told me he wanted to try again and that while he would not wait for me, whenever I returned to MI he'd be there and we could start over.

 

Oh he's always been a charmer and a poetic talker. I left with some fun memories and thinking that he honestly believed what he had told me, but that he was still the same B and nothing had changed. I've been proven wrong.

 

Now, wait, I'm NOT saying that he's morphed into this amazing perfect person and never does anything wrong. What I am saying is that so far, I can see changes in him. Not everything has changed, but there has been progress. He handles his money better, but not perfectly. He's learned how to clean the apartment, although I doubt Martha Stewart would be impressed. His temper that used to flare up at the most random times and rage for days is gone. He still gets annoyed and upset, but he talks calmly and directly. ANd I could go on, the point is that he's not a saint, never was and never will be, but SOME of the issues which caused us the greatest problems while we were together have been improved upon. Not all, but some.

 

We talk through email, txt, or IM every couple days. There have been a few times I've called him to just lend an ear and let me whine and vent and use his tee shirt to wipe my nose on. So far he's been there every time I've needed him. HE continues to offer me support and reassurance and tells me sweet nothings about how he feels and what he wishes could be. I'm not as naive as I once was, I'm not swooning at his feet, but I do allow myself to feel good. I've explained to him, if there is any real hope for anything to ever happen, we need to start as friends and just see where it goes. He's very capable of seeing anyone he wants, just as I am if I ever had the time. We're not together in any way shape or form, but we're building a friendship...

 

I really thought once I came back to Tx we'd quickly drift apart again. Instead he waits for me at night to finish my HW. He tells me how guilty he feels when he's on a date and he doesn't enjoy being with anyone. And he is sending me gifts just to put a smile on my face.

 

*sigh* I'm not pretending he's someone he's not. I'm just finding comfort in someone who's going out of his way to try and help make my days a little brighter. I'm not stupid, there's a lot of issues we've agreed not to talk about right now, but when I move back to MI, if things are still the same and he's continued to mature and grow as a person, then I'm willing to think of "maybe". Until then, I won't talk about him often. He has a long way to go before he's worth any more of my time than I already give him. So I may occasionally mention something, but dont expect me to devote much of my blogging to talking about him. My expectations of this are EXTREMELY low and if it doesnt amount to anything I'd rather eat my own humble pie quietly.

 

I think that's enough for tonight. Tomorrow I'll try to get some new pictures of Cade posted and write his 4 month update. Gosh he's growing SO FAST!

 

... Love ...

 

 

Finally Feeling Like Mom

 

I love Cade. But there has been sooooooooo many times I look at him and think "When is someone coming to get you?" It just hasn't really sunk in yet that I am the mom. I'm not just babysitting, this is MY baby.

The past couple days I've been trying to play with him more instead of just keeping him entertained and I'm amazed to see how much he loves me. When I walk around the room he follows me with his eyes. When I look at him, he smiles from ear to ear and then ducks his head. He loves when I sit down with him and just hold him and look at him and talk to him.

Seeing this tiny little person look at me with nothing but pure joy and adoration... I suddenly understood what it feels like to be a mom. It's knowing that I would do ANYTHING in my power to protect this beautiful child who can love me with every fiber in his being before he even understands who I am. Who can become elated just because I've walked in the room and who loves to hear the sound of my voice.

More and more as each day passes I find myself looking out the window for that imaginary mom less and less. Little by little I feel myself understanding that I am his mother. I am the one who will come for him at the end of each day and tuck him into bed and kiss his forehead goodnight. I'm the one who will struggle with the math and science projects and clean the scrapped knees and fight the evil bedtime monsters that live in the closet.

I'm going to, and already do, have the power to make the world a beautiful place for a little boy just by BEING there. Just by holding him I can make his tears stop and turn his mouth into a smile. I can create laughter when I tickle his belly and I am the sole owner of those contented sighs he makes as he falls to sleep in my arms.

Who knew being a mother was so wonderful? Who knew something as simple and basic as a smile would suddenly become worth all the gold and jewels in the world? That I wouldn't have to think about how much I loved someone because the answer is so painfully obvious everytime I see him and my heart aches and knows that simply because he was born and is alive the world has forever been changed and my life altered...

I don't know why I havn't been able to feel this way since the day he was born. I know I loved him from the moment I found out he was alive in my womb, but there was never a time before recently where I wouldn't cringe and hesitate at the word "mom". I just couldn't comprehend how I could be a mother... surely there HAD to have been a mistake somewhere along the way. Someone upstairs MUST have messed up in allowing me to keep charge of another human being because everyone knows I can barely even take care of myself and even that's questionable... But here I am. Sitting here two hours after he's been laid to sleep in his crib, all snuggled in his blanket and I'm getting ready to pump for the third time since he's fallen asleep in my attempt to try and start breastfeeding again, because I know in my heart I will never forgive myself for quitting and depriving him the ability to be a boobie baby without first exhausting every possible effort. And in the back of my mind there isn't that small question of "when is he going home." I'm figuring out that he IS home. I AM his mother. We are a FAMILY.

Of course the transition isnt totally complete. There will still be days I wake up and suddenly realize there's a baby in my bed and I'm supposed to feed him. But hopefully those days will become further and further apart now. Since I'm finally accepting, and loving, the fact that I am a mother, I have a son, and our lives are perfect together.

A post worth remembering...

I know I have some unpopular opinions on this subject, that's fine. I just really don't understand how someone could deny their child the opportunity to know a biological parent if that BP WANTS to be involved.

Granted I am not talking about someone who's around for a weekend and wants to just pop in and say Hi and leave again. But I know several men who, as young adults were impulsive, reckless, and made lots of mistakes. They were simply incapable of even taking care of themselves, let alone being responsible for a human child. Once they were older they became wiser and many suddenly realized how huge of a mistake they'd made not being involved with their child. Some this took just a few months, some a couple years, and some never looked back.

I guess I feel that at a certain age a child is old enough to understand the situation and voice his or her own opinion. Before that age, I personally (and I understand this is an unpopular viewpoint and no one need feel they have to agree) feel that as a mother one of your responsibilities is to try and encourage a HEALTHY relationship between your child and his/her father. Notice I said HEALTHY. If FOB is clean, sober, and matured and willing and wanting to be involved with your child's life, why would you say no? Because he hurt YOU be walking out? Because there is the possibility for him to hurt your child? You cannot CONTROL that.

Anything he may have done to you or put you through needs to be kept separate from the child you two share. And I'm not talking about letting FOB just waltz back in without cause or care. But talk as mature adults about what you expect of him as a father if he wants to be involved again. If he agrees, start slowly, casual supervised visits, etc. If he flakes, calmly close the door and invite him to reopen if when the child turns 18.

In reference to adoption, parents may never get back their legal parenting rights, but they do sometimes develop a relationship with the child should BOTH parties agree to it. I know a couple mothers who, after a few years, requested to meet the child they'd given up for adoption. Now they are in contact with the child/adoptive family once or twice a year (usually birthday and holidays) and exchange pictures and just general information. They may regret not being able to be the full time mom, but they know their child is safe, happy, and secure. I see nothing wrong with having the same experience with a FOB. If he wants to become involved or informed, why not try to reach an agreement that doesn't disrupt the child but allows the child the opportunity to know his/her father.

I guess we both agree that the key point is to NOT disrupt the child or cause any hurt or harm. I grew up with a father in another state who, if it hadn't been for my mother's constant encouragement on both ends, we would have drifted apart and simply exchanged a Christmas card and picture once in awhile and never bother to have any more contact. But because my mother felt it important for me to know my father, she continued to encourage us both to remain in contact with each other.

Granted, my father was not abusive or a drug user. But while they were married he did drink a lot and was often out with his friends instead of home with her and me. She looked past that, looked past the hurt of being with someone who took her for granted and would drive home drunk and often leave her home alone to go out with the guys, and she saw a man who I deserved to know.

I know this is getting long, I'm sorry, it's just very complicated for me. On one hand I feel that when you engage in sex with someone you KNOW the risks that come with it. If you happen to conceive a child without intending too and you decide to keep the child, you should also know that you're giving yourself a tie to the FOB for the rest of your life. When you have an unplanned pregnancy you do not get to CHOOSE who the father of your baby is.

On the other hand, I also feel that since women are allowed the option to terminate the pregnancy or give the child up for adoption, fathers should also have SOME right to absolve themselves from any responsibility for the child. I just dont know how that would be accomplished just yet.

I've written enough for now...

 

Me

poor wonderful baby!

Caden has been constipated on and off since he's been on formula. Last night he was up every two hours SCREAMING and shrieking in pain. This is following a nearly three day reaction to his 4 month shots with a yucky low grade fever and fussy-ness.

He just can't seem to be comfortable right now and I dont know what to do. I dont want to give him any more tylenol because the ped said it can make things get stopped up, so why worsen the problem? I did dilute some apple juice and give it to him last night, but I dont like to do that without talking to a ped first. However FOBs insurance only gives me 500$ a year for him. (should change this year hopefully to more) so I can't risk taking him anywhere unless I KNOW it'll be covered. I'm already fighting with them about a claim they're denying, dont want to add another one.

HOwever, on top of all this going on, he seems to be learning how to fall asleep on his own! I'm SO excited! I still rock, feed, and cuddle him, but then three times now I've been able to swaddle him up tight and place him in his crib with his Bink and he nuzzles into the blanket and goes to sleep. I finally set up the angel care movement monitor so I'm going to stop worrying about his habit of having to shove his face into a blanket or bumper and trust the monitor to let me know if something happens. He jusT WONT sleep without his face covered. :(

So here's to my poor, wonderful, baby boy. For trying so hard to grow up while feeling crappy. And here's to me for getting through the night last night with only ONE episode of nearly loosing my temper at myself. Maybe my delivery of patience and calm is finally arriving?

I'm just going to admit it...

I'm very much pining for EX and wishing I was back there in his bed. Nothing I can do but admit it and move on.

 

*shrugs*

 

My mom admitted that she googled my "maverickmommy" name and has read through all my posts on my playgroup and now knows more about me than anyone who is nearly me daily should EVER be allowed to know...

 

Needless to say I'm in a poor mood tonight.

 

Going to go get some cuddles in with my beautiful baby boy.

 

Love,

Me

 

 

But I want a cookie too...

This post came after another long night with a screaming baby, no sleep and no relief pitcher.

Why is it that someone can walk into a room, see a distraught mother glaring at a baby because he wont stop crying and she cant figure out WHY he's crying and she's getting upset (st herself of course) for not knowing how to help him and they instantly criticize the mother for not being patient and loving and "yelling" at the baby.

When the baby screams they'll walk over with all  the grace and calm of an aged medicine woman and pick up the infant and begin to coo and shhh and rock. They'll do this for at least 30 minutes trying everything the mother had already tried while she stands there fuming at this intruder for thinking that she wouldn't have already checked the diaper, tried a bottle, given gas drops and tylenol and the paci too.

Eventually the baby will fall asleep, either from crying himself tired or from this new person being able to help comfort him enough to sleep. But in the end, NO ONE stops to give the mother any comfort. No one looks at her and understands that while every new mother goes through this, each has different circumstances. Some babies are worse than others, some have doting husbands rushing to help at every opportunity, some have no support system at all.

It's times like these I really understand how some mothers can flip and loose it. When I get scolded for being upset because he was crying, instead of a simple sympathetic glance or a reassuring pat letting me know that someone feels my pain, somone has made it through all this torture. Instead they look at you like a wicked mother because you can't control your emotions and you cant "hack" it.

Or they tell you it was your own choice and to deal with it. Of course keeping Caden was my choice, I KNOW this. But even then all it takes is a calm hand to quiet my racing heart so I can gather the strength and courage to try and believe I did the right thing and I am a good mother.

I guess I just more and more am feeling sympathy for those mothers who did flip. Not that I in any way justify what they did, but I can feel how low they must have been, how upset at themselves they feel because they can't "fix" their screaming baby, how everyone looks at them like they're horrible for not swaying with a screaming baby while singing relaxing lullabyes for ten hours straight. I'm sorry, I CAN"T do that. I can openly admit it to everyone, and maybe that makes me a bad mom because I dont have the patience of a saint stocked up to draw upon. I pray nightly to help calm my soul and give me peace in my heart so I can be more patient and a better mother to Caden, but I guess the delivery man lost that package because it hasnt arrived yet.

I just wish that people would understand it's not the baby I am upset with, it's MYSELF for not knowing how to comfort my own son. So when I am loosing it and just watching him scream and writhe around as if in pain, it's only because I dont know what to do, I dont know how to fix it, and the only thing I can do it watch him and trying to figure something out. I can't hold him, or I get too emotional and worry about being too enthusiastic about trying to calm him and end up hurting him instead. Plus he just squirms in my hands and screams in my ear reminding me of how horrible a mother I am for not making everything OK.

I just wish once in awhile someone would look past the frazzled appearance and the hard eyes and see my soul and how much I'm hurting and in pain too. That they would give me a hug to let me know it's OK and they're just here to help me help him, not to shove it in my face that I cant help him.

Why cant they all be like the ladies on this board? Why can't they understand? Do they really forget that quickly?

 

Love,

Me