Caden, I just wanted to say...

I just wanted to tell you how much I cannot wait for the first time we create our own tradition together. I want us to volunteer at a soup kitchen during Thanksgiving, to weed out our closets after Christmas and give to a shelter, to donate a percentage of our earnings to our favorite charity, to simply offer our help to a neighbor in need.

 

I want to teach you, son, the importance of random acts of kindness, and how you really can inspire change in the world. I want to teach you that Love is Action, and show you how to live a life full of positive experiences.

 

I want you to gain an understanding of how fortunate you are, no matter how low you feel, and understand that it's not always about you.

 

Dear Caden, please don't rush to grow up on account of me, but when you're ready, I just cannot wait to start showing you the world as I want you to see it.

 

Love,

Mommy

 

I know I need to get over it, and in a couple days I will but...

I spent nearly 100$ on FOB's daughter. I bought her a Baby Alive, a Bella Dancerella set, and a My Little Pony Bath toy... A few days before Cmas I took the toys to FOBs family where we would be spending the holiday and dropped them off so FOB Daughter wouldn't see them. Come Christmas Eve we're opening the family gifts and I notice that the ONLY gift FOB's Daughter received from FOB and I was the bath toy set.

FOBs Mother decided to take the two NICE expensive gifts I bought and make them Santa gifts without asking me, and then didnt bother to buy any nice Santa gifts herself. She bought a couple markers and coloring books, etc., that's it.

I know that FOB's daughter wont remember who she got the gifts from, but it REALLY pisses me off how I bought those things with MY money I'd saved because I knew she'd LOVE them and I wanted them to be from ME. I told FOB one of them could be from both of us because he has no money to buy gifts (again...)

And then when I got there Christmas Eve andd asked FOBs mom if she remembered to put any Santa gifts together for Caden because Hailey would notice Santa forgot her brother if there was nothing for him under the tree, FOBs mother looked at me like I was crazy and said "I guess I really didnt get him anything this year."

So then the gifts I bought him had to become Santa gifts and I felt like I had been made to be Santa for FOBs daughter and my son when I'm not working and not getting ANY money from FOB at this point. And that's the kicker for me, I have NOT pressed for CS yet, I have NOT asked FOB family for anything other than help with the plane ticket up to MI for the holidays, and I have not complained about anything. And here they go pouring money in their daughters wedding that's coming up in six months and leaving me to play Santa for their two granddkids when I'm not working and not married or even ENGAGED to their son. (They don't know we're breaking up)

To continune my sour mood rant, MY family also seemed a little stingy with Caden this Chistmas. I was sorta expecting them to help more with getting him toys and other items he'll need in the coming year and instead I received a bunch of outfits and cutsey little things. Only one grandparent gave me a check and told me to get whatever I needed.

I'm trying to not have to work while I got to school the next couple semesters, and I've made it very clear to my family I want to try to work as little as possible, so I thought they'd realize that money, gift cards, or useable items for Caden would be nice this Holiday... instead it seems like no one looked bothered to plan ahead and buy him things for 6 months or 9 months or 12 months and, instead, just got me some cutsey things.

For example, I received a Tiffany's Keyring.... Now, it's georgeous and I love it, but I know how much that must have cost and it makes me almost sick to think that I would honestly rather of had the money than the overly expensive keyring...

Or the necklace with "created" gemstones in it that was 200$ when the one I designed and am making payments on is only 125$ with REAL gemstones...

LOL, I feel like a wretched person for complaining about the very NICE items I got, but they're just not... useful? Maybe if I had everything for Caden it'd be nice to have such fine things, but a Tiffany's keyring won't help keep his butt dry...

And it begins...

This weekend is going to be the busiest of my life. We have a baptism, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, and twenty pairs of grandparents to visit.

 

I vote next year to simply take a relaxing vacation with me and baby and send everyone pictures in an email as their gift.

 

Cade is not sleeping well, which translates into Mommy being a bi*ch. I can't help it, and I feel terrible every time I yell at him, but I get so tired I can't think of ANYTHING other than getting back to sleep.

 

I wrapped Cade's gifts. One of them is a box to place gift cards in. My goal is to save the ones where people write cute messages on for him, and each christmas I will buy him a card and write him a note about how our year went and how much I love him and place it in the box. Eventually, when he is old enough, I will give him the box and he can go through all the cards and see everything we've done together and know how much I loved him from the start.

 

I also grabbed him a new lovey to cuddle with. He started drooling on it while we were still in the store and now at Nana's he can't wait to shove it in his face. ;)

 

I love the little bugger, even if he is a PITA right now.

 

<3 Me

Down In A Funk

I'm in a funk. I hate where I'm supposed to be spending my nights, and love where I'm not.

I hate how he can lay in bed next to Cade and hold Cade's hand and fall asleep just playing with his tiny fingers and little hands. I hate it because it's not fair that he is the one who looks at Cade that way instead of BioDad.

I hate how he can take my breath away with a single kiss and makes me melt into nothing.

I hate how often he tells me he loves me and wants to have my babies.

I hate how he can look at me as if I'm his whole world.

I hate how everything is too little too late.

I just want to do the best for Cade. That's all I want.

I hate how much I still love him.

I think for New Years I'd going to buy myself a journal to write down random lyrics and thoughts about people in my life that I want to remember. "In a box beneath my bed there are letters that you've never read..." I want to write letters to people. I want to tell Him how much I think of Him when I hear Hinder. I want to tell Cade I'm sorry I screamed at him this morning. It's not his fault, it's mine.

And now BioDad is telling me we need to head back to the Apartment because, of course, I'm finally sitting here contentedly typing this up and he can't stand to ever let me just do what I want if it doesnt involved paying attention to him.

When will he ever just let me go?

~ Mav

An Old Friend

Everyone has that one special love of their life. The one person they will never fully get over, the one they will always wonder what happened to them. The one they wish things could have been different with.

 

I happened to run into my "The One" the other day.

 

It's been very emotional, very intense, and very trying. He's confessed things to me I never thought I'd hear him say. Admitted feelings I never thought he'd feel. And made promises I don't dare believe he'd keep.

 

I'm not sure what I'm doing right now. It could be a mistake, but it also could be the start of a wonderful life experience.

 

I'll let you know when I find out.

Enjoying Each Moment...

Merry Christmas!

We're starting to get prepared for the holiday around here. Slowly we're bringing out the decorations and sorting through them and figuring out where we want them to go this year. It's so different for me to be a part of the family decorating process again. For so many years I was the head hancho when it came to decorating for the Holidays. I decided where the stockings would go and where the two foot tall fake pre-lit tree would be stuffed.

I also have always been the type of person who HATES to create a holiday gift list. I dont know why, I just never know what I want until days before the holiday and by then everyone else has finished their shopping.

I am not sure what I want to do about Caden this year. I don't think I should or need to buy him anything, but a big part of me feels like I'll be a "bad mommy" if I dont get him something for Christmas. The truth is, what could he really want or need from me? I dont have a lot of extra money to spend on him, and anything I would buy him would most likely be plastic junk that he'd destroy in a couple months. He's going to get enough of that fun plastic junk from everyone else why would I want to get him a gift from me?

There is something I wanted to talk abut today though. It deals with a very scary moment a couple days ago when I believed 100% that I was about to watch my baby boy die in my arms.

It started not being any different, Matthew was playing with Caden, Zachary was wanting to play with Caden, and I was trying to get my baby back so I could do my motherly duty of changing his diaper and giving him kisses on his not-so-bald head anymore.

When I finally took Caden into my room to change his diaper I noticed he was acting very tired and out of it. As I was changing his diaper he fell asleep in his crib. This was so totally unlike him that it alarmed me. Caden has NEVER gone to sleep without persuasive measures before in the past. I picked him up and held him for a moment in the rocker. He was breathing and moving ever so slightly, but he was most definitely not waking up.

This REALLY alarmed me, Caden normally will wake up if you even THINK about him waking up. Concerned since Caden has had a cold for the past week, I started to try to rouse him. I first talked to him, then started to move his arms and stroke his legs. Nothing. As I continued to try to wake him up I became more and more panicked. What was happening to my little boy? Finally Caden, while still breathing, went completely limp in my arms. He held no muscle tone and did not respond to even MY screaming at him, trying to get a response.

I was terrified that, somehow, he must have been jostled around while my brothers were holding him and his head must have moved too much and he had Shaken Baby. By this time the entire family is in my room with me, crying and trying to help me wake him up. I put him in the carseat and he still was totally limp and not waking up. In fact, Caden did not wake up until half way to the ER, and by the time we were checked in and being examined he was back 100% to his old self. The Dr. said she thinks because of his cold his sinus cavities were clogged and all the movement made him dizzy and light headed and he may have passed out for a moment.

After I got back home that night I carefully and painstakingly rocked him to sleep in my arms. I kissed his head and held his hand and watched him breathe beside me. I treasured every single part of him and thanked the Lord over and over again that he was still with me. I stopped caring that he doesnt sleep through the night yet, or that most of the time he can only be comforted by me and that he's such a mama's boy. I stopped taking him for granted and started to really enjoy and LIKE him again.

It amazes me how every single day when Caden sees me first thing in the morning he greets me with a smile and starts to excitedly coo and move his arms. He must know by now that I come every time he calls for me, but still each time I do he reacts the same, with great joy and excitement.

Every time we go by a bright light he stops whatever he's doing and will look directly at the light. He will stare in wonder as if trying to figure out where the light comes from. And he will smile and coo at the light to let everyone know he thinks it's amazing.

It does not matter how many times he sees me or how many lights he looks at, he never takes for granted that they are there. Why can't I be the same?

Why can't I respond to his cries in the middle of the night with enthusiasm and thankfulness that he's there in his crib crying for me? Why do I cringe when I hear his fussing on the monitor and knowing that he's waking up from a nap and will be needing me soon. Why do I so eagerly pass him off to anyone who walks by and wants to hold him? Why do I take him for granted so easily and without a second thought?

I know all too well how quickly they can be taken away from you. I know how heartbreaking the grief of loosing a child and never being able to see their smiling face again.

Maybe this will be my new year resolution. I want to stop taking people for granted. I want to not just HAVE friends, but enjoy them and know who they really are. I want to not just make lots of friends, but love and care for the ones I already have. I want to be the kind of friend that people are so thankful to have and who can help encourage people to grow and better themselves.

I want to live my life to the fullest and make myself proud. I don't want to ever be able to look back and realize I took ANYTHING for granted ever again. I want to learn how to say "thank you" to people for their love, support, help, and kind words.

Until next time...

<3>

Happy Thanksgiving!

I wonder what I should put as being thankful for this year. Hmmmmmm...

I suppose I could start out by saying that, above all, I'm thankful for my amazing and ever awe inspiring son, Caden, who every single day makes me humble and thankful for the opportunity to learn everything all over again. And this time with a new appreciation.

I'm learning what it really means to stop and smell the roses. How to take time to do things right the first time. And how true it is that if at first you don't succeed, try try try again. What would we be like if the first time we reached to grab a toy and missed we never tried again? We'd never experience the wonder and the thrill of finally grasping a toy for the first time. Of having it in our hands and being able to shake it and make it make noise. And then realizing and we actually have the power, the control, over this other object. We can MAKE it create sound. Maybe it's not a pleasing sound to hear, but it's a sound none-the-less.

I'm also learning that sometimes the books DONT have all the answers. Sometimes you have to create your own answers and trust they're right. It doesnt matter if they didnt come out of a text book or if they weren't the idea of some doctor. Each of us has the ability to create the answers that are right for our lives.

I'm coming to understand that you can learn a lot from watching a child grow. You gain a new respect for your own parents and those who love you once you can finally understand just how deep their love goes.

I'm thankful for my family. I'm thankful that not only do they love me, but they also love my son in spite of my own faults and shortcomings. They don't condemn him for my mistakes. They, too, marvel at his daily accomplishments.

They also have swarmed me with support and offers of help, even to the point where at times it's suffocating. It's wonderful to have such a sturdy security blanket, but it can get heavy and burdensome when there's little room to breathe on my own.


I'm so excited for the opportunity to finish my schooling here in Texas. It'll be hard, and already I'm starting to doubt if I'll be able to do it all, but I know I have the backing to be able to do anything I put my mind too. I'm thankful for that, to have the strength and courage to meet challenges head-on and in spite of the fear.

I am ever so grateful for my new swing we bought for Caden. It has changed him from being a clingy fussy boy, to one who will quietly swing and enjoy the flying fishes for 30 - 45 minutes without complaint and it's the reason I'm able to write this entry today.

The amount of items and objects we received for Caden has been overwhelming and heart warming. It's amazing to see how such a small person can mean so much to so many people even before being born.

I'm thankful that the world is still a place where I want to bring a child into. We have issues and problems and wars and rude and obnoxious people, but as a whole we're still doing OK and there's still a lot of good living left to be done. There's still a lot of good people I want Caden to have the pleasure of meeting, and still so many places I want him to experience and visit for himself.

And when Caden cries, I remind myself that I must be thankful that he has the ability to do so. That he is healthy enough to be home with me, crying, and driving me nuts instead of in a hospital fighting for his life or, god-forbid, in a coffin somewhere.

And so this Thanksgiving day, when Caden and I are home together, alone, while the rest of the family is watching the Dallas Cowboys, I'm proud to, dear boober, that I am thankful for YOU. I'm thankful you've come into my life and shown so many wondrous things to me. I'm thankful for each and every day we have together here on earth, because I know how soon and quickly it can be taken away from us. I treasure every smile, every coo, and every single minute that you sleep. And once day, God willing, I will be at your house as you and your wife welcome your first child into your home, and I will watch you experience what it means to see the world through a child's eyes.

Thank you, my darling Caden, for coming into my life.

<3>

Playtime...

Just a little picture post at the moment...

Caden is FINALLY sleeping after another long day with no naps. :-\ I don't understand what it is with this boy, he just hates to sleep at the moment and of course it makes me want to just cuddle and hold him until he finally passes out. He's so overtired, poor baby.

Last night I thought we had a break through when I was able to set him in his crib, he woke up and stirred a little, I gave him his paci and he went right back to sleep. However I can't seem to repeat this and ever since he's been back to screaming his head off every time he wakes up in the crib.

He's starting to become more vocal now with lots of loud coos and odd squeals. Every morning we wake up together and 'talk' for a good 20 minutes. He likes to tell me all about his dreams from the night before and what he wants to do today.

I love him in the morning, fresh from a night's sleep. He always is so playful and full of smiles, it melts my heart.

He's also starting to enjoy some of his toys more these days. We put him in his bouncer seat, turn on the lights, and watch as he stares at them and follow them with his eyes and coo.

Dearest Caden...

We've made it two months...

Two whole months together. Sometimes it amazes me that I've managed to survive and I've not killed either one of us in the process.

I love you with every fiber in my being. I hold you and cannot believe how something so amazing happened completely by chance between your father and I. No way you were an accident or by chance, someone knew how desperately I needed you in my life and designed you just for me. You with your smiles and coos and "Ga-Luuuuuuuuuu"'s.

We're had some interesting times together this past month. You had your first sleepover with Farm Daddy and Grandma Vicky. This was very traumatizing for me, as I could hardly sleep without your beside me. You see, little mann, you've become so ingrained into my life already that I am lost when I'm not around you. I no longer know how to occupy myself when you're somewhere else and I become agitated and count the hours until your return.

We moved to Texas from Michigan with a two day long car ride to get there. You handled it with grace and dignity by sleeping almost the entire way both days. I could not believe how amazingly good you were, thank you. I would have surely lost my mind had you fussed and cried and made the trip down miserable.

We're now living with Ama Lisa and the family here in Texas. It's been just over a week down here and you're still not quite sure. I can tell you miss your daddy, the cats, and all the family we have in Michigan because you no longer are the wonderful perfect happy baby I knew. Instead you've become incredibly high demands and fussy. You refuse to be set aside in one of the many swings and bouncer seats we have. Instead you have to be held nearly 24-7. You constantly want to nurse and when we finally do get you to sleep and set you down, you wake with such a sudden start and wail as if to declare to all the world that we've abandoned you and don't deserve to live.

This month has also been a huge test of my thoughts on parenting and my decisions on how I want to care for you and raise you. I want you to know, Caden, that I REFUSE to let you cry yourself to sleep. This is very hard on me, because you do not fall asleep easily and require a lot of attention and hands on rocking and soothing to lull you into sleep whether it be at night or just for a nap.

I also dislike allowing you to fuss too long when you're awake and unhappy. Obviously I allow myself to finish my shower, etc. But I make it a priority to tend to your needs as soon as I can when you're unhappy. I dont believe this is spoiling you, I dont think you can be spoiled at this age. I do think this is helping you to learn to have trust in me and in the world and you're learning that when you need something we will take care of you, thus helping to raise your self-esteem and making you independent later in life.

Not everyone agrees with me on this, and that's ok, they dont have too. And it's hard for me too when it's 3 AM and I've been rocking you for an hour and you wont go back to sleep and I give in to my desperate need for sleep and bring you into my bed and just fall asleep while you nurse. But I know in my heart this is how I want you to be cared for. I want you surrounded by love, knowing that you are loved so that you have the confidence in yourself when you are older.

My sweet Caden. This month has gone by so quickly. And now as I'm finishing this post I can hear you on the monitor waking up from your cat nap. Why can't you just sleep? You are the most lovey and cuddly lil boy, but you are also so particular and so stubborn. Things MUST be your way or you wont do it.

What else would I expect from two very stubborn and opinionated parents?

Love,

Mommy

Best Quote Ever...

"Motherhood is like battle, you just have to get through it." - Corrine

How true is that.

I'm looking to attempt to finish my room tonight and get things together. Daughters living with their mothers never mix well, and my mom and I are no exception. I'm not used to people answering my phone and butting in my buisness all the time. I dont want her to bail me out of things, I want to learn from my mistakes by taking care of my problems myself. I've always been that way.

I dont hide things, I just enjoy my privacy. It bugs me when she answers my phone from the other room and brings it too me. I dont answer my phone half the time if I don't know the number. I figure if it's important they'll call back, otherwise leave a message and I'll check it eventually.

I have my faults, and I am continously working to improve them. All I need from my mother is her support not her rescue or opinions.

Time to get back to doing my room. The sooner it's finished the sooner I'll feel ready to get Caden back into a routine and the sooner I can enjoy the happy baby I once had instead of this over tired fussy butt.

Sari

We Tried the Paci Trick...

And Caden tossed it back in my face as if to say "This is NOT what I ordered. Now get me my boobie or I'll scream bloody murder until your eyes bleed."

Caden has a wicked habit of waking up at night and decided he has to nipple on my boobie just to make sure it is every be as delicious as it was two hours ago. So last night I decided I'd slip in his very expensive top of the line Ortho Pro Platex Binki (which is the ONLY binki he will allow to enter his mouth these days). I figured he just wanted to comfort suck, he wasnt REALLY hungry, so when he stared to root around at 2 AM I slipped it in and waited.

Ten seconds later there the binki flew out of his mouth and halfway across the bed and he started to root around for my nippled again. OKay, I thought, I'll slide it in again and see what happens. So in the binki went, and five seconds later these two beautiful blue eyes fly open. I can tell he's deciding how much torture he's going to make me endure to pay for this little trick.

Within a minute I've tossed the binki across the room MYSELF and latched him onto the boob. He sighs, he's happy, and then the baby kicks to the stomach start, and I don't dare say anything to him because I know it's just payback for the binki trick I tried to pull on him moments earlier and he's just trying to get comfortable again in my bed.

My bed... I really miss when it used to be my bed. *sigh* We'll get there eventually, won't we?

Sari

Testing One Two Three...

I've had many blogs throughout my life on the internet. Some I've managed to update regularly, some forgotten, but the theme in them all was that they've been seperated by the different audiences I've held at the blog's site.

My goal in this blog here is to join the audiences from ALL my former blogs and continue to write about life as it is. With a little humor and occasional sarcasm (HA!) I'll record my happenings, thoughts and activities with the hopes that someone else may be as entertained as I am. So, without further delay, my first entry...

What exactly is a Maverick mother?

The answer? I'm not 100% entierly sure... However, here's what I THINK she is. A Maverick mother is one who does not follow along with the rest of society and instead makes the best choices she can by using what she knows and feels in her heart. They may be right and will occasionaly be wrong, but she never regrets the choice she's made. It can be about what to cook for dinner or how to raise her child, the Maverick Mother does the best she can and doesn't apologize for it.

Hopefully we'll all survive the journey...

Sari