Enjoying Each Moment...

Merry Christmas!

We're starting to get prepared for the holiday around here. Slowly we're bringing out the decorations and sorting through them and figuring out where we want them to go this year. It's so different for me to be a part of the family decorating process again. For so many years I was the head hancho when it came to decorating for the Holidays. I decided where the stockings would go and where the two foot tall fake pre-lit tree would be stuffed.

I also have always been the type of person who HATES to create a holiday gift list. I dont know why, I just never know what I want until days before the holiday and by then everyone else has finished their shopping.

I am not sure what I want to do about Caden this year. I don't think I should or need to buy him anything, but a big part of me feels like I'll be a "bad mommy" if I dont get him something for Christmas. The truth is, what could he really want or need from me? I dont have a lot of extra money to spend on him, and anything I would buy him would most likely be plastic junk that he'd destroy in a couple months. He's going to get enough of that fun plastic junk from everyone else why would I want to get him a gift from me?

There is something I wanted to talk abut today though. It deals with a very scary moment a couple days ago when I believed 100% that I was about to watch my baby boy die in my arms.

It started not being any different, Matthew was playing with Caden, Zachary was wanting to play with Caden, and I was trying to get my baby back so I could do my motherly duty of changing his diaper and giving him kisses on his not-so-bald head anymore.

When I finally took Caden into my room to change his diaper I noticed he was acting very tired and out of it. As I was changing his diaper he fell asleep in his crib. This was so totally unlike him that it alarmed me. Caden has NEVER gone to sleep without persuasive measures before in the past. I picked him up and held him for a moment in the rocker. He was breathing and moving ever so slightly, but he was most definitely not waking up.

This REALLY alarmed me, Caden normally will wake up if you even THINK about him waking up. Concerned since Caden has had a cold for the past week, I started to try to rouse him. I first talked to him, then started to move his arms and stroke his legs. Nothing. As I continued to try to wake him up I became more and more panicked. What was happening to my little boy? Finally Caden, while still breathing, went completely limp in my arms. He held no muscle tone and did not respond to even MY screaming at him, trying to get a response.

I was terrified that, somehow, he must have been jostled around while my brothers were holding him and his head must have moved too much and he had Shaken Baby. By this time the entire family is in my room with me, crying and trying to help me wake him up. I put him in the carseat and he still was totally limp and not waking up. In fact, Caden did not wake up until half way to the ER, and by the time we were checked in and being examined he was back 100% to his old self. The Dr. said she thinks because of his cold his sinus cavities were clogged and all the movement made him dizzy and light headed and he may have passed out for a moment.

After I got back home that night I carefully and painstakingly rocked him to sleep in my arms. I kissed his head and held his hand and watched him breathe beside me. I treasured every single part of him and thanked the Lord over and over again that he was still with me. I stopped caring that he doesnt sleep through the night yet, or that most of the time he can only be comforted by me and that he's such a mama's boy. I stopped taking him for granted and started to really enjoy and LIKE him again.

It amazes me how every single day when Caden sees me first thing in the morning he greets me with a smile and starts to excitedly coo and move his arms. He must know by now that I come every time he calls for me, but still each time I do he reacts the same, with great joy and excitement.

Every time we go by a bright light he stops whatever he's doing and will look directly at the light. He will stare in wonder as if trying to figure out where the light comes from. And he will smile and coo at the light to let everyone know he thinks it's amazing.

It does not matter how many times he sees me or how many lights he looks at, he never takes for granted that they are there. Why can't I be the same?

Why can't I respond to his cries in the middle of the night with enthusiasm and thankfulness that he's there in his crib crying for me? Why do I cringe when I hear his fussing on the monitor and knowing that he's waking up from a nap and will be needing me soon. Why do I so eagerly pass him off to anyone who walks by and wants to hold him? Why do I take him for granted so easily and without a second thought?

I know all too well how quickly they can be taken away from you. I know how heartbreaking the grief of loosing a child and never being able to see their smiling face again.

Maybe this will be my new year resolution. I want to stop taking people for granted. I want to not just HAVE friends, but enjoy them and know who they really are. I want to not just make lots of friends, but love and care for the ones I already have. I want to be the kind of friend that people are so thankful to have and who can help encourage people to grow and better themselves.

I want to live my life to the fullest and make myself proud. I don't want to ever be able to look back and realize I took ANYTHING for granted ever again. I want to learn how to say "thank you" to people for their love, support, help, and kind words.

Until next time...

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