Down In A Funk

I'm in a funk. I hate where I'm supposed to be spending my nights, and love where I'm not.

I hate how he can lay in bed next to Cade and hold Cade's hand and fall asleep just playing with his tiny fingers and little hands. I hate it because it's not fair that he is the one who looks at Cade that way instead of BioDad.

I hate how he can take my breath away with a single kiss and makes me melt into nothing.

I hate how often he tells me he loves me and wants to have my babies.

I hate how he can look at me as if I'm his whole world.

I hate how everything is too little too late.

I just want to do the best for Cade. That's all I want.

I hate how much I still love him.

I think for New Years I'd going to buy myself a journal to write down random lyrics and thoughts about people in my life that I want to remember. "In a box beneath my bed there are letters that you've never read..." I want to write letters to people. I want to tell Him how much I think of Him when I hear Hinder. I want to tell Cade I'm sorry I screamed at him this morning. It's not his fault, it's mine.

And now BioDad is telling me we need to head back to the Apartment because, of course, I'm finally sitting here contentedly typing this up and he can't stand to ever let me just do what I want if it doesnt involved paying attention to him.

When will he ever just let me go?

~ Mav