your perspective is forever evolving...

I had my lab final today. I studied my ass off for it. I think I put in at least 6 - 8 hours over the last week studying. I was very proud of my diligence in preparing for the test, and even though there were some questions I forgot to study for, I'm proud still. And then I get to class today and I see students who missed half of the class periods, who asked stupid questions, who weren't at all prepared. They were the ones who were looking at the dip stick for the urinalyses sample and asking "How do I tell what it says" when the bottle with the results were RIGHT in front of them. It made me think back to when I was that student, not caring, thinking I had all the time in the world, not giving importance to being prepared for class. And suddenly I understood what it meant to be proud of my grade, to be protective of it. I didnt want to be next to those people because I didnt want them to take my answer, that answer which I had studied hard and long in order to know.

 

Funny what a few short years can do to your perspective on things.

 

I'm grumbling about my dance teacher, God love her, she's so sweet and adorable, but she expects excellence from all her students and doesnt care what you have going on in your life. LOL. And I realized I'm proud of the work I've done in her class. I get excited to see people like the cover I made for her dance concert program. It doesnt matter than I know it's not quite at professional level, it's MY work.

 

 

 

Maybe this working hard thing really works? Maybe I've been missing out on a lot of pride and self-confidence and positive self-image by not constantly pushing myself and forcing myself to work hard?

 

My head hurts from all this thinking.

 

On another note, I think my outgoing, nice self got asked out on a date last night without my knowing... A guy from my development class and I have worked on a few class projects together with another classmate, and he called to double check on what we were supposed to be doing for Tuesday's class, we got to chatting, and then he offers to buy me a drink when finals are done to celebrate the end of the semester. Without thinking I blurt out "That'd be superb!" Then after I hung up the phone I starting thinking, I really hope I'm not completely dense and oblivious and have been misinterpreting his flirting to be friendly gestures. All that joking around and winking and tongue sticking-outing might have been thought of as flirting if it was with a guy I wanted to mack with. Oops? Now I have to figure out how to calm down my outgoing flirtatious self so I dont happen to encourage anything IF that's what he was trying to start. Eghad.

 

Time to go and do something productive.

 

<3 Me

I have the cutest baby EVER!

Tonight we fed Caden a lovely dinner of Carrots and egg yolk with a little oatmeal cereal and blueberries for dessert. He LOVED it and swallowed every bite. This kid LOVES blueberries. Swear he thinks they're the most amazing thing ever. He also LOVES squash too, go figure. He wont eat the carrot puree I made him, but when I cut up cooked baby carrots into small bite sized pieces he CHOWED on them. Anything he can chew he seems to like. So stubborn. ;)

Anyway, egg yolk is very very messy and crumbly. We stripped him down and put him in the bathtub and I sat him up with floating toys for the first time. He LOVED every minute in the tub. This kid is going to be a fish he just loves to be in the water. He would hunch over and bat at the water with his hand, and then flip on his belly and scooch all over the tub, and then flip to his back and kick, and he was in there for a good 40 minutes before he started to rub his eyes and look tired.

I hope he will sleep tonight.

I emailed DamnPrecious again and told her that I would be going out of town for two weeks after the semester is over so if she wanted to get together we should try to squeeze something in before hand. I tempted her with ice cream. ;) My teacher told me that DamnPrecious told her to tell me that she'd just been really really busy recently but wanted to get together soon. Hopefully this time she will respond.

And then I find out I have a 5 page paper to add onto my already overloaded amount of work. I'm putting in close to 20 hours worth of work on the Dance Concert poster and program cover and tickets and not getting anything out of it and then being surprised with this paper? I'm not a happy Mommi tonight. Hopefully I can get it all done, but the good news is I've found some good A&P websites with interactive quizzes and models to help me study for the lab practical on Monday. Eeeeek! Monday? last day of lab? AHHHHHH!!!! The semester is almost over!

<3 Me

Ch Ch Ch Changes

I filled out an application for Medicade for Caden, daycare assistance to have the state compensate my mom for watching Cade while I'm in school, food stamps (every little bit helps right?) and even TANF (cash payment each month) I also asked for information about rent assistance and help with utilities. I figure it doesnt hurt to KNOW what the program offers in case I need it someday.

The thing though, is that in doing this at the end of the application it states by asking for assistance I'm allowing the agency to go after FOB to seek child support. I have NO idea since FOB is out of state how hard they will press this, but maybe this will get somewhere and I'll get something from him.

I've been thinking lately though, and this is so odd for me because I NEVER used to think this way, but I've been thinking what it would be like to not have FOB in the picture at all. How would that affect Cade? I'm going to school, in three years I will be financially independent, after I get my masters I will be able to make enough money to completely support Cade and I on my own. I will be able to offer him the life I want him to have. I'll be able to pay for all his sports and clubs. I won't ever have to deny him something because I have to pay rent first. And that's just so wonderful to me. It's so exciting to have that feeling and know it's possible. That after all the hurt, worry, and fears during pregnancy about "how will I do this?" I finally have the answer and there is the light at the end of the tunnel.

But all this light makes me feel more and more "I dont need FOB" and if I dont need him, if I can provide Cade a good life on my own, why should I be so encouraging of FOB. I'm disappointed with how FOB and his family are handling all this. Obviously I dont know the whole story about what he is telling them, and I also know that Cade is not his family's responsibility, but it seems odd to me how quickly and easily they've let this all fall on me after being so involved with Hailey. Maybe it's the distance. But I'll never know for sure. All I know is that I'm taking note of their actions. We'll see how things go this next vacation, but I'm done catering to them.

I'm just so proud of myself for turning in that application KNOWING that it might cause FOB to have to pay CS. What I'm hoping though, is that going this route won't trigger a custody agreement. If it does I've been working on my draft, but hopefully I wont have to use it. The longer I can go the way we have the better right now. I'm willing to take on full financial responsibility if it means having sole decision making power over my baby.

Time Flys...

I was thinking about how busy I'm getting these next couple weeks with finals and all. It's been awhile since I've had so many papers and projects and tests to work on and prepare for. It's a little overwhelming, but I'm sure soon it will pass quickly enough.

Took Trish up on her advice, thanks girl.

And now I will slink off to bed. Just so stinkin' tired! *yawn*

Got a minute? Lets talk...

School is winding down and I'm busier than ever. So many projects and papers to do, so many tests to study for. I'm trying so hard to stay on top of things and not slip behind, but it's hard. I feel my energy reserves slipping away. I feel my strength slowly fading. I get so tired so early and just want to sleep.

Cade is starting to do better at sleeping, and I'm SO excited. I knew when he was ready, and with constant encouragement, he would slip into his own natural sleeping patterns. I am putting a hold on co-sleeping though. It was wonderful for awhile, but right now it's more important for me to encourage Cade to sleep at night in his crib. He's been making a wonderful transition, and I know this is the right choice. Maybe later on when he's older we can have snuggle nights or something, but for now it's time to teach him how to sleep on his own.

So my Coward has spread to other blogs of people I talk to from IV. I only wish I had that much time on my hands that I could read the blogs of people I don't enjoy talking to and leave ignorant comments. I only wish I felt that confident and superior in my parenting and my choices in life that I felt the need to spew venom on people who don't agree with me.

Anonymous said...
am I a coward or am I someone who you think you know? are you just mad because we speak the truth?

Let me just say, if you knew me, you'd know how untruthful your words and comments are. And if you knew me, you'd know that I WELCOME everyone's thoughts and opinions. Look at Susan and I. Five years now, right? Five years being friends, confidantes, and coworkers who know nearly everything about each other and never hesitate to tell it like it is. You should see some of the emails she's sent me trying to give me a good thumpin' on the head for stupid mistakes I've made. And I LOVE her for it. I cherish her honesty and know that if she didnt really care about me, and wasn't really a friend, she would never take the time to tell me how she really felt. (Sorry Sus, hope you dont mind)

So I've decided what I'm going to do with my life. It's a frightening feeling, but so liberating at the same time. It feels so good to have a plan in place and know what you're fighting for. Right now I'm at TCC and in exactly 1 yr, I can have all the credits needed to transfer to TCU to enroll in their BSN program. That will be a 2 year program. So if all goes well, in 3 years I could be graduated with a BSN making 60 - 70k a year.

But I'm not done. LOL! After a year or two working in critical care, I could then apply for a masters program and get my CRNA. It's a 2 year program, and would bump my salary up to 160k a year. So in 7 years I could be in a position where I'd always have a job, making enough money to support Cade and I, and being able to give him all the opportunities in life. I wont have to work 70 hour weeks, I'll have time to be with him, time to parent him, etc. It feels good to have a goal, to have an achievable dream.

Like someone told me, take advantage of every opportunity. So I'm going to try too. Now if I could just get this freaking paper finished instead of drawing a blank all the time I'd feel better.

<3 Me

coward...

I leave this blog open for everyone to comment, mainly because of the friends and people I know who dont have a blogger account who still want to be able to comment or leave me a message, etc. But what gets me is when someone wants to hide behind this ability to leave a nameless comment and voice a nasty opinion.

I read my comments. I pay attention to what is said and think about other opinions and perspectives, but if you're too much of a coward to let me know who you are, I don't give a second thought to what you wrote. Own up to your opinion and if you have something you want to say, say it to my face, don't hide.

I registered for summer classes. I'm not going to take the 2 week mini-mester, instead I'll go to MI to let everyone see Cade, maybe get a night out with Emily and Corrine, and enjoy the ability to have NOTHING to do for a few days. Once school starts I'll be taking English II and Great Religions of the World the first part, and the second session I'm signed up for A&PI. ARGH! It's a 7 AM classs. I'm gonna die. But I know if there's a time when I'll be able to do a 7 AM class it'll be when I'm living with my parents and HAVE to be up because of baby anyway. Plus all my classes will be over by 11:30 so I'll have all day left to play with baby and enjoy the summer weather. ;)

I've been dreaming about him. I don't like it, and it always angers me when I wake up and realize he managed to find his way into my dreams again. I just want him cut out of my life, never to be thought of again.

And it'd be nice if the friend I've been trying to make would respond to my emails so we could set up a playdate...

Back to school work -

~ Me

School...

Today was a school day. I've learned this week I *could* get an A in history and Growth&Development. I *might* be able to get an A in Dance, likely a high B in Biology, and I'll be happy with a C in Lit. (LOL!) The A's are all low A's, but still A's.

My dad and I talked and decided that I'll take both summer sessions, and then another full load in the fall. *sigh* It's just so annoying, living with someone who know what he's talking about when it comes to school. I don't want to hear him tell me it'd be a good idea to take one two week class between spring and summer sessions, and then take classes in both summer sessions, and then I'll have a full year's worth of school done in 9 months. *sigh*

I know I got myself into this position, and I know I only have another year and a half before my free tuition runs out so I know I should take advantage of this, but it's just so daunting to think about. :-\

And my brother is whining to use the computer so I'll oblige him...