RIP - Honey - 13 yrs

RIP - Honey - 13 yrs
Click to view full size.

Meet Honey. A happy-go-lucky Golden, she was the perfect dog from start to finish. Sure she shedded too much, carried a few extra pounds, and had a need for attention that got on your nerves once in awhile. But she was perfect. As you can see, the kids could climb all over her and she didnt bat an eye. She loved it.

I can't believe she's gone. I miss her already. For 8 years she was my dog and slept with me at night and let me cuddle with her. We used to set up jumping courses in my grandparent's yard and I would train her to jump over them. She was everything I wanted in a dog.

She passed the other night, unexpectedly. My grandmother said she was cooking dinner when she noticed Honey acting funny. She sat down and petted her for a few minutes, heard Honey gasp, then realized she was gone. I will be up at their house in a few weeks for vacation. It will seem so empty and alone.

Just a General Post

Dr. House continues to poke and message me on FaceBook. It's comical conversation, but still... I've spent so much of my life having friendships over the internet with people I never met or only saw once every couple years, and I'm trying to move past that now. Even though some of my best friends are people I've met online, I want people here where I am that I can visit and talk to and go out with. I'm about to cut Dr. House off and tell him to find someone closer because otherwise, knowing me, suddenly I'll realize I kinda like him a few months down the road and then I'll be back in the lame pitiful spot I've been before.

Did I mention I Cyber Stalked Blondie and found out he's 21 and dating a 17 yr old? Yeah. Made my stomach churn a little. When did 17 become a "kid". Wasn't I 17 just a couple months ago and thinking I was the top shit? Wasn't I 19 just a couple days ago and thinking I had it all figured out? And just a few hours ago wasn't I 21 and the coolest chick to live on the planet? Wow... how time changes.

I have a long week in front of me (again) Classes never used to be this hard, not hard so much that I dont understand. Hard in that I actually have to make an effort to seal my A. Go Figure.

Rough Day

It's been a rough day. Really rough. I hate days like these. The kind where you just feel so angry it flows through your veins and all you can think about is finding a place to put your fist.

And now I am throwing myself a pity party and watching "The Notebook" and I realize how, still, it hurts not being near him. He sends me a text once in awhile, or will call. Sometimes I answer, most of the time I don't. But still...

When do these movies stop reminding me of him? I don't think of him everyday like I used to. Just once in awhile, and it hits me so hard when it happens.

I just want to be happy again inside. Wholly happy. I'm trying so hard to get there. I see the baby steps I've taken, I know I have a long way to go yet.

Susan... just hush. LOL. I know you have a huge lecture for me...

DAMNIT! Blondie Update...

Well I found out today he's 21 (so younger, but not TOO young) Go figure he's also worked in an insurance agency? And he likes to DJ. Like one thing after another I hear and I think "Hmmmmmmmm, this could be interesting."

And I couldn't stop staring at his ass. His boxers were peeking through between his jeans & shit and I kept thinking "I wanna bite him."

Wow it's been awhile since I had any adult fun.

So I'm pouting tonight. Because I kinda was starting to feel like it'd be fun to maybe get to know him better, like be friends and study partners and see if anything else came of it. But he has a GF. He mentioned her tonight... as he was ripping the fur off the cat's head. He had to stop and take a picture to show his GF.

If he wasn't so damn delicious I wouldn't care, but it's not right to suggest a study date when I've got these tingles that I'd love to act upon and I know he's seeing someone else.

*sigh*

Now if HE suggested it... ;) lol.

I dont need a serious BF or anything like that. I just need someone to sit & have a beer with and trade emails with and see a movie once in awhile. I dont even need to kiss or makeout, I just miss that companionship. I've always gotten along better with guys than girls. I miss having a guy friend.

a quote I'm loving...

Charcoal is generally made from wood that has been burnt, or charred, while being deprived of oxygen so that what's left is an impure carbon residue. However, add enough pressure, and you get a diamond, one of the most valuable gems on the planet.

I'm Charcoal and I'm under pressure, and one day I'm going to come out as a diamond.

This is so me...

She got her daddy's tongue and temper
Sometimes her mouth could use a filter
God shook his head the day he built her
Oh, but I bet he smiled.
She loves and lives her life unruly
Tears up that dirt road up in a dualy
Dangerous, absolutely.
And in a little while...
She'll be roundin' that corner on three wheels
Ain't slowin down, yellin "Come on, jump in"
Always up to somethin, crazy got nothin' on her

Chorus:
She ain't right, she ain't right
She ain't right, but she's just right for me


She says she wants to meet my momma
I said, I don't think you oughta
Be like mixin' oil and water
But by midnight she had
momma on the coffee table dancin'
Comin' unwound
Good God I swear, can't take her anywhere
What's the girl gonna do next

Chorus:
She ain't right, she ain't right
She ain't right, but she's just right for me

Every once in a while she'll give me that smile and say,
I just don't see somebody like you lovin' somebody like me
She ain't right, naw she ain't right
She ain't right

She ain't right, she ain't right
She's just right, she's just right,
She's just right for me
Mhhmmm she's just right, she's just right.
She ain't right, she's just right for me.

Another Update, so we can laugh together...

So that guy... We'll call him Blondie. He does this adorable "Mmmmm Mmmmmm Mmmmm" he does when he's thinking about something he doesnt quite get. But it's funny, because he's taller than me (a requirement in my book) and he's in college (a total plus) but he's YOUNG. I havn't asked him, but I saw his liscence is the one that's vertical for those who are under 21. Also, this sounds bad, but some of you will understand, sometimes when I talk to him I don't feel like he and I are on the same plane. Granted our conversations are pretty much all about A&P, but still, for me, this class is a medium difficulty level. I do have to study, but I'm not anywhere near over my head. I manage to get things easily enough, he needs lots of studying to get it. I stayed after in the tutorial lab yesterday for 5 hours helping some of my classmates study for the exams next week, and he came in and joined us, and it was painful to me to figure out how to explain things. I think by the end I was getting better at it, but painful in the beginning because he didnt seem to get anything.

He's not dumb (I don't think), he just learns in a totally different way than I do, which makes it hard to learn together.

Anyway, so my hopes and daydreams of finding someone to date were tossed aside. We might get together Sunday to study for the test(s) but I'm not counting on it. I had a couple study group invites actually, but it's just too hard with Cade right now, and this test, while tough, is not over my head. Maybe next time...

I just left school on Thursday feeling so happy at having so many hours of adult interaction. And who knew you could get so excited about a good slide of mitosis? LOL.

There's this guy...

In my class who's really cute and we're dissecting a cat together.

Yes, we're spending time together outside of class scraping skin and fat off a cat and finding the muscles (and other parts). Great conversation starter when you go "Hold on a minute I think I can just tear this off" and fatty tissues fly across the room.

Damn Precious and I have been talking more though. Oh, yeah, I didnt TELL you. *smile* Remember the girl I tried to hook up with though my teacher's myspace or whatever? She's in my class, we sit next to each other and seem like maybe we'll get together outside of class. I hope so.

I'm so tired my eyes are watering and I can't stop yawning. Maybe tomorrow....

Where to begin?

I'm just SO freaking busy right now. :( It's hard to keep up.

Did an AWESOME photoshoot with a couple cool chicks.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/strongreflections/sets/72157600828207393/

Going back for more soon.

have my domain www.rockthefrock.com set up to point to http://www.myspace.com/rockthefrock right now until I get a better site set up. However it's not directing it there? WTF? Too busy to look into it right now.

A&P has started and is off to a running start, two tests tomorrow and again next week.

I'll try to write more soon. :(

Miss this palce.

That research paper...

The one that nearly killed me when the computer lost it? Yeah that one? 148/150.

I'm so proud.

History of World Religions

Just finished my exam, should nail and A in that class. So excited. Still have English to go with a presentation...

I'm 23 years old today. It's such a hard age for me to turn. I'm no longer a "young" adult, now I'm a full fledged adult. I look around at friends from high school who are getting married and buying houses and starting families and I think to myself "but they're not old enough!" I still feel so young, so much like a child sometimes.

And yet... I think back to when I lived with him and how very much grown up and independent I felt then.

I know it's crazy, yes it's insane, but I talked to him today. He called to wish me a happy birthday and we talked, and I admitted that I still wanted to marry him just as before. It's true. I still think into the future about having more kids, about buying a house, about being a soccer mom. And it's always the same. Cade and I are together I graduate college, buy a house, redo the house, and then slowly he creeps back in and suddenly he's there by my side holding my hand and feeding me ice chips while I'm laboring with our baby.

I'm thankful that I'm settled enough and ambitious enough that I'm not about to fantasize about running off to be with him. No I'm much more grown up than that now. But he told me that he'd quit smoking weed. He'd gone 5 days now without it. That his head was so much clearer now. He wants to have babies with me.

*half smile*

I told him I was proud of him, which I am, but so much of me screams "tell him it's too late and be done with it." but I can't. I'm still in love with him as much as it hurts to admit.

Thankfully I no longer feel the need to HAVE to get over him NOW. It'll come in time I suppose. Or it'll be replaced if it doesnt. and even if I never find a man to share my life with I'm strong enough to find enjoyment alone. I have dreams and ambitions, they're great sources of comfort.

I just can't let go of how I can still see the twinkles in his eyes, the smile of the little boy caught with his hand in the cookie jar. The way he'd stare into my eyes before telling me he loved me. The way he still says he loves me. Christ, even the way he'd talk to me through the bathroom door while he went to the bathroom cracks me up.

But I want more than what he gave me. I'm worth more. I know that.

I know that.

Got bruises on my heart and sometimes I get dark

Got bruises on my heart and sometimes I get dark
Click to view full size.

A self portrait of myself and my camera. I kinda like it. :)