no call back...

Edit due to personal request.

Love those. ;)

I met someone

So not what you think!

She's in my class, two years younger, lives on her own with her baby who is one month younger than me and works two jobs while in school full time.

 

I have so much awe and respect for her. I could NEVER be able to pull all that off.

I went home and huggled my son and thanked God that I was able to be so lucky to have the ability to spend so much time with him and not have to work every spare second just to keep his belly full.

I love him.

I'm feeling the need to make another sappy post tonight. I've snuck into his room and watched him sleep. I've rested my cheek on my hand as I lean against the crib and see his tiny body move in rythm with his breathing. I've taken great care to really look at him, to see his smallness, how young and youthful he is. To be able to cherish every moment, that is my goal.

I'm alrady looking back on his baby pictures and shaking my head because I DONT remember it. I dont remember him being that little. I dont remember what it was like to hold him in my hands when he was 2 weeks... 6 weeks. I dont remember what it was like to feel him snuggles close to me breastfeeding and sleeping soundly for an hour at a time. I know that I miss it, but I'm not sure exactly what I'm missing.

I dont want to have those feelings about this time. I want to be able to remember this. I want to be able to look back and remeber when he was crawling around the house in his diaper. His hands smacking on the tile as he motored from one side of the house to the other. His one leg in the air because he never seemed to learn how to keep BOTH knees on the ground.

I want to be able to remember it all.

He doesnt snuggle with me at night anymore. He doesnt sleep with me, I can't rock him to sleep, he's just not a little baby. I was talking to a classmate today about her baby and how they sleep together and I was thinking about how I want that. I would love to be able to just crawl nto bed with Cade and snuggle together. To be able to feel his breath on my nose, his feet kicking into my thighs. There are so many things which I second guess about myself, about my mothering. So many things I wonder if I'm not being too strict, or too uptight about.

*sigh*

Come back and ask me in twenty years.

Fall Semester

I just sat down and registered for my fall semester, 17 credit hours in all. I really think I have gone insane and I'm just waiting for the world to catch up with me. There is no other explanation.

 

So, if I follow the plan I made for myself, I will have just fall and winter semester left before I can transfer to TCU and enter their nursing program. It's going to be rough, really rough, especially since I screwed myself out of an A in my current English class and just clinging to the hope of pulling a B. Either way, not the grades I should be getting and no one to blame but myself.

 

Speaking of English, my amazing and wonderful English teacher wants to learn how to blog so I told her I'd show her and share my blog with her. What was I thinking?!?!? Now she's going to read through my blog and see my spelling and grammar errors and think I'm a dunce. :-D LOL.

 

I have another long night ahead of me. Once again I've pushed things off to the last minute and have a bunch of revisions to make on a paper and an exam tomorrow. I think the organization fairy needs to visit me and share a little of her organization dust with me.

 

Talked to J last night about the late fees. He, of course, blamed Dennis for not returning them on time. Because, again, nothing is EVER J's fault, he's ALWAYS the victim.

 

Say a prayer it's not genetic.

 

<3 Me

"Had I known you wouldn't press for child support I never would have wanted an abortion."

Words I heard today that slammed me into the ground so fast and knocked the breath right out of me. Be careful who you think they came from too.

Got a bill in the mail from the movie place for $170 because two video games and one DVD had not been returned. I called and found out apparently J was not removed from my account like I told them too. *sigh*

I start getting child support and custody stuff going again this week. This is insane. He's been in FL for 3 weeks now and... yeah. Still no job. I'm tired of being a softie. Now that he's not living in MI it will make it so much easier on me to be able to separate him from his family and show them no matter the lack of feelings I may have for their son, I still want them to be involved with Caden.

Speaking of... he decided today was a good day to paint his crib with poop. Thankfully I wasn't home. Har har har. Still disgusting though.

Random

Yes I know this is random and pointless but I wanted to share that I want to buy low-cal Alfredo sauce and a bag of frozen veggies and microwave them together and see if they're as good as the $5.99 mini bags of "Veggies in Cream sauce" that Kroger sells. I swear they're the SAME thing.

Hopefully...

I'm hoping this will be my professional photo blog where I can post updates about my buisness and a sneek peek or two after I have a session.

http://strongreflections.blogspot.com/

Why am I so lucky?

I'm sitting here in a comfortable home while my baby boy sleeps soundly and healthy in his crib in the other room, alive.

And it's running through my head. He is alive and healthy, not to mention beautiful and joyful. He's perfect and wonderful and I'm ever so lucky to be his Momma. I love him.

And I look at Corrine, I see her pain, her suffering, and I weep for her. I can feel the sharp blade of despair press against my heart and merely grant me a small glimmer of what she must have felt, what she must feel everyday when she wakes from dreaming and know that her baby, her child, is gone.

Sometimes I wonder if maybe it's not "normal" for me to be so emotional over this. Other times I know it's perfectly OK as my feelings come and go only when sparked by a picture or a conversation. Still...

I'm putting together my physical portfolio. It's nothing fancy, just a $12 black faux leather scrapbook with black pages and pictures on a white paper to create a border. It's not high class by any means but it's something to take and show people who might be interested.

Nine Months

School Pride
Click to view full size.

I can't get over the fact that he's nine months old already. In three months he will be a year. A whole year. How insane is that!

Just another day

Cant Decide
Click to view full size.

Where I torture my kid with endless pictures in odd places.

Father's Day

He decided today was a good day to start saying "da da da da da"

why do I care?

He's on his way to FL right now, and I'm sitting here worried, watching the clock and wondering why I care. The more I think about it, the more I try to understand, I uncover that there are still feelings burried deep inside. They're not strong, they're not passionate or hot, but they're like the feelings you have for your childhood crush. You just want to know that they're going to be OK even if you no longer want to be with them.

I want a healthy relationship.

There, I admitted it. I want to be in a healthy and supportive relationship with a great guy who everyone loves. I dont want to make excuses or be ashamed of his behaviors or habits. I dont want to have a cringe when I read his emails or IMs, and I dont want to have to deal with someone who has such bad (and illegal)habits that it makes me uncomfortable. And I'm scared I"ll never meet him. A large part of me is OK with being single now. I love my son, I love the direction I'm going in life, and I love all the opportunities in front of me. However, I still have the little girl longing for her prince. I'd love someone to be there at the end of the day to share a drink with and talk about the random nothings that happend during the day before we mosey into bed, make love, and then are seperated by a bad dream or two coming in to cuddle between us.

I want someone to yell at when I'm made, and apologize to when I've cooled off. I want someone who will push me to be my best and not accept anything other than my honest effort.

In class today we read a poem in which there was a line along the lines of "I love you more than all the riches" I dont mind loving a poor man, but I want him to be an honest poor man, and man who's worked hard his life and enjoys what he's doing, but just doesnt make a lot of money doing it.

*sigh*

Back to reality...

<3 Me

BTW - I will soon have my website up and running, but the address will be www.strongreflections.com

Strong Reflections Photography

It's here. Yup I manged to pick a name. Can you believe it? HA! Excited though. I hope this works. I just hope I don't fall on my face and embarass myself.

I talked to a friend today and it hit me.

Thank GOD I got out of there when I did.

Now, I have some awesome friends. I have people in Michigan whom I love and adore and wish nothing but the best. Friends who would drop anything to help me if I needed it. But, I also had friends who were doing nothing to help me move forward in life. They were so consumed with their own faults and shortcomings they preyed upon me and cut me down. And I just realized how much I don't miss many of them.

I'm pretty much friendless here in TX. There are a few people I message on myspace now and again, but overall I just don't care anymore. School keeps me busy. Caden keeps me busy. And now this photography keeps me from sleeping. I don't feel like I have time to care that I'm not the most popular person. I have something better than friends right now, I have ambition and dreams.

Likewise, although I miss and crave the physical benefits of a man, I do NOT miss the trouble they cause and how much TIME it takes. What if I had a boyfriend right now? I'd have to pay attention to him. Men are not like dogs where you can feed and water and shove them out the door. No, they want attention. They like to come up and try to kiss you when you're on the phone, or snuggle right in the middle of your movie or TV show. They're just so damn distracting!

However, they do come in handy once in awhile when you're in the mood.

Speaking of... Jason's DUI hearing is over and he has some classes to take and a restricted license for 90 days. He's moving to FL on Monday though, go figure. *shrugs* I dunno, whatever. He's a big boy, he can make his own decisions. As for me and my son, we will continue to be happy and live well.

Off to homework...

<3 Me

My Love of 8 months

Today I watched you as you crawled away from me to your toy area, pick up a toy and play. We'd just spent 30 minutes or so crawling around the coffee table together, with my eyes tearying up at seeing you coordinate your hands and knees together to move yourself forward with the jerky speed of a drunken turtle, but you were moving. You'd graduated from the inchworm arm crawl to a real baby crawl.

And I realized that today was the first time you'd ever crawled away from me to play with a toy. How bittersweet to know that as proud of you as I am for your growth and maturation, all too soon I will forever be staring at your back watching you walk away from me. It is my only hope that as many times during the day you may run, walk, crawl or scamper away, you will always find yourself coming back at the end of the day.

I need to spend more time updating your (many) baby books. I've slacked off.

How Long? Too Long.

How is it possible to not have enough time to stop by and write about my day? How does five minutes to mention the basic happpenings really affect my sleeping schedules? I guess I can justify anything these days.



Summer school is "fine" but fast paced. I like it. I like not getting a breather during the week (for four days) and then getting the extended weekend to play. Likely as the semester goes on I wont get much play time on the weekend, but this weekend I took full advantage of all my play time with Cade and the pool. He loves to swim.



He loves to swim. He loves being in the water, splashing, kicking. We have a floatie turtle thing he likes to sit in and kick around, and then there is the regular adult float he likes to sit in as well. Such a little fish just like his momma.

We're aslo standing up now. He pulls himself up in his crib, up on the couch, on his toys, on your leg. With this comes more agile crawling and faster crawling times.

Wouldn't you know, though, that the day he actually gets the hang of this crawling thing and takes off is the day the dog has the runs and I'm running around the house trying to beat Cade to the pile o' poo, then use one hand to scrub and one hand to fend him off form getting involved in the process.

I love being a mom.

We made Archer Farms blueberry muffins last night and are enjoying the spoils of our labor this morning for breakfast. It's a good feeling.

And although I'm really enjoying this blogging session, the sky has turned green outside with billowing clouds and I feel my maternal instincts telling me to go check the weather station, "just in case".

Hopefully soon,

Me