Just a meaningless rant...

I don't understand.

Looking back in life it's hard to really understand sometimes the choices you made and the validation you came up with for making the choice you did. I've heard it's a part of life, part of growing up, part of becoming an adult; making mistakes and learning from them. It still doesn't help explain anymore the decisions I made and thought were OK.

I'm struggling with Jason.

I'm struggling because I want to remain on the high road, I want to continue being the better person (although it'd be best if he and I both could be on the high road together) and I want so earnestly for things to be the best they can for Cade.

I know I should expect it to be weird for Jason to be seeing someone new. It's the first time since he and I separated that I've know he was with someone else. And on top of that, he's still attempting to maintain a pretense of wanting and waiting to be with me. Maybe that is what is hurting me. It doesnt matter who lies, a lie always hurts. It doesnt bother me that Jason was kissing someone else, it bothers me that he came out and went "Hello Dear!" like he always does when he answers the phone, and then when her name came up instantly interjected "but we're totally just friends, everyone thinks we're sleeping together but we're not". One, STOP CALLING ME DEAR! I dont like it, it creeps me out, and I've never said it was OK. Two, I don't CARE who you are or aren't sleeping with. It's none of my business, and I'd appreciate it if you'd keep it that way.

I talked to Angie a little today, more horror stories about Jason. It just BLOWS my mind the things he does and how he can not realize how inept he is at life. I know I was there before Cade, I was the chick at the bar every weekend, getting trashed, likely drove a few times when I really shouldn't have, but I was 21. And it lasted 6 months. And it was brought on by a life shattering break-up (which was really the best thing that could have happened to me but like I wanted to believe that at the time it was happening) and it ended the moment I learned I was going to be a mother, have a child, and be responsible for another life.

Why hasn't Jason had an epiphany yet?

I think back to those first three months. Those dinners and bar tabs he quickly paid for. The doors he opened. The stories he told. The movies we went to and the interesting talks. I ask myself, was I really so blind? Was I really just refusing to see what was there? Or is he really just that good at telling a lie. Angie and I have often had conversations about Jason and his tendency to tell stories and spin a web of lies, for no reason other than he just does.

It just hurts right now. I can't wish I wouldn't have been with Jason, because then I never would have had Cade. I never would see that boy's face light up into a million rays of sunshine the second I walk into the door and his eye catches sight of me. I never would hold that boy while sleeping at night, feeling his chest rise and fall with each breath, and think about the things I want to do with him, the places I want to go, and the life lessons I want him to learn.

Truth is, I wouldn't have turned into the adult I am today, if it wouldn't have been for being with Jason and being blessed with becoming a mother to Cade. I owe him a lot for that. And maybe that's why this car wreck has me so shook up right now. I so very much want Jason to have an epiphany and grow up and become a man and a real father. I want him to feel the blessing of being an adult, a parent. But I know that it's likely to happen, and instead I'm stuck with his irresponsible ass who, when his daughter is missing after supposed to have been playing at a friend's house, decides he can't be late to his party in Detroit and leaves to go there instead of stay and worry where his daughter is and why she's not home waiting for him to pick her up.

like I said, it blows my mind away.