I'm just really down and out right now. I just feel dead inside this week. I don't care about anything.
I'm so tired of being this unattached mother living with her parents. I'm so tired of never having anyone to talk to, to bitch with, and to talk shit too once the baby is in bed. I'm so angry all the time not because I'm a mom, but because there is NOBODY here who understands anything I'm feeling. I have no one to call and invited over for a beer. I have no one to come keep me company while I do flashcards the night before a test. I have no one to show up unannounced and tell me to take a shwoer and get dressed because we're going to take the baby out of the house for the day.
I told my mom last night I was mourning my old life. She thinks that means I'm missing life before Cade. I don't miss that. What I miss is the life I had when I had friends near me who cared about me and made sure I still had fun. Who came over and played with Cade and I, who went shopping with me, who cooked with us.
I'm tired of having my family look at me as if I'm a bad mom and say I'm neglecting my son or that I'm abusing him. I would NEVER hurt Cade. NEVER. I just hate it here. I hate not knowing anyone. I hate feeling guilty because I want a damn night off to go out and get silly drunk with the girls and giggle all night long. I want to feel like I have control of my life again. I just feel so stripped of my independance as a person living here.
And I hate how CRUSHED I am right now because of the comment someone made last night. He doesnt know how badly he's bruised my heart, and I doubt he even understands how much it still hurts. Saying that I "let" J knock me up so quickly, like it was MY doing somehow... *sigh* It wasnt said out of anger, but out of hurt, which hurts me even more.
On a brighter note, I had my DR appointment for the HPV, and she thinks it's low risk and I shouldn't worry, just stay stress free and not get sleep deprived. *snorts* With a 5 month old? Riiiiiiiight. ;)
*sigh* I just want to go home... When does this homesickness go away?
Nana fell last week and had a hip replacement. She's had to been taken to the ER twice already for a transfusion because of a low blood supply. *sigh* I feel so guilty not being able to take care of her.
3 comments:
you know I would in a heart beat if I were there.
Seriously sar, push yourself to make friends with someone at school. Since you're not working school is your only out, use it to your benefit.
We'll go out next weekend, okay? Just us. Ryan can help watch the baby, or my sister if that makes you feel better, and we'll go out. Or we could stay in. Whatever. It doesn't matter to me. You know I'd visit more but it's aways away from Lewisville to Ft. Worth. Call me anytime - you know I don't care when. I love you babe. :)
You know you can call anytime. I'm serious, I don't do anything. I'm always here.
I'm sure it is hard living with your parents, we did it for awhile...it's espically frustrating because they didn't ever treat me like I was an adult. I was a "grown up" kid with a baby. It's very hard.
But at the same time hun, you've got a GREAT oppertunity. I know you know this but you're lucky.
If I decide to take a road trip with Miss Ness, you will be the first place we go! I miss you!!
Cade is BEAUTIFUL. You are doing a wonderful job mommy-ing him.
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