Sick

I'm very sick right now. I have no clue if I have the flu or what but I've spent the last two nights in a mixture of the chills or sweating myself skinny. All day yesterday I tried to keep my eyes open and moving forward, I crashed soon after Caden did.

His birthday party was awesome. Will post pictures soon, I promise.

Here's something to make you laugh.

Well that was easy

FOB had his court date today.

Rewind - 3 months ago FOB was driving while intoxicated (drunk off his a$$) and "someone" cut him off on a back road and he swerved to miss their car and ended up flipping his own and landing upside down in a ditch walking away without a scratch on his body.

First court date gave him 90 days to complete a set of classes and be evaluated by an addiction specialist or something.

Today, I get myself and my baby up at 6:30 AM to take FOB's behind to court since he told me his parents wouldn't take him. He had told me that he also hadn't completed the classes because of some reason or another. We get to court, the attorney comes out and talks to him, he walks in (I can't go because I have the baby and there is a huge brightly colored sign there which says "Absolutely No Children Allowed" however, upon close inspection I see another more official looking rules list which allows children in "extreme" circumstances. I wonder if pure curiosity counts? I decided not to risk it). Either way, Jason is only in there a total of five minutes, two of those being him actually interacting with the judge, then he walks out of the court room all smug like and says "It's over."

We continue down to the cashier's office where he pulls out a blank check from his parents and pays off the $890 fine. And we leave. And that's that.

I am appalled.

I can intellectually pause and say that it's no business of mine that his parents (once again) fronted the money to pay him out of trouble while ignoring their two grandchildren who don't receive squat and struggle to figure out how everything will be paid for each month. It's not my concern and I should be thankful that he did not go to jail (which I kinda am) and did not get too harsh a punishment for his DUI, yada yada.

But right now I'm spitting mad. I'm angry at our judicial system and feel scammed. Here we see commercials talking about cracking down on drunk driving, radio sponsorships by the traffic departments reminding people they drink and drive they go to jail, and all he walks out with is an $890 fine and a piece of paper telling him to "make sure" he completes his classes within 90 days. (The same classes he was supposed to have completed BEFORE going in for sentencing.) So are we now waiting for a person to injure or kill someone before we actually stick them with probation, reasonable fees, and a restricted license?

Maybe part of my anger comes from seeing my friend a fellow single mom (who lost her baby a year ago on the 19th, RIP) struggle to keep food on the table and get slapped with $4500 in fines for driving on a suspended license (from work) because she couldn't pay a speeding ticket. She was just doing what she had to do, working to keep food in her baby's belly, and ended up with 6 months of extreme headache, impounded car, and outrageous fees because she drove 5 MPH over the posted speed limit coming home from work one night anxious to see her baby. Meanwhile, a jobless loser drives while completely trashed out of his noggin' and he walks out with a measly $890 fine and a piece of paper telling him to take a couple classes and never do it again. Just seems to be hurting the wrong people here.

Then, while we're leaving the court house, I ask if he has gas money for me for driving him around, etc. He replies "Well, how much do you need?" I think that did me in. Apparently it's too much to just fill up a tank for $30 after I've been driving his butt around all weekend (and don't forget driving his kids around too for him since he can't drive) and instead he has to sit there and ask me how much gas it took to drive him to the court house.

I know I'm blinded but unnecessary anger right now. I know come tomorrow half of this wont matter anymore. But I told A to go ahead and press for the warrant for backed CS if she needs the money. If his parents are willing to pay to keep him out of jail, well... She should get her money then. Especially when he has the nerve to tell the court originally (before they announced the amount of the fine) that he could pay $500 today and the rest within two weeks. Oh really? How about you send some up for your kid(s) then.

Oh a brighter note, he did agree to sign off on Caden. Now I just need to figure out where a notary public will be on Saturday.

Always be a good boy

I am struggling with how to deal with the idea that Jason is going to go to jail on Friday.

It's not my problem. I know this. But still I struggle.

I need better coping skills.

Freedom...

This brings back memories... and yes I actually have CDs of old greats that I enjoy listening too.



I was driving along today thinking back on my childhood summers and how I used to go with my dad to Petoskey for his annual softball tournament. It was just him and I and his team mates. He would spend the day playing games and I would spend the day wandering along the shoreline playing in the rocks and the lake. I would be off on my own for hours at a time.

And it hit me, what the hell was my dad thinking? But at the same time, those are some of the best times I remember. And then I thought to my son, what is his childhood going to be like? I'm a big supporter of children needing "wandering off" time to play on their own and pretend whatever their imagination dreams up. I want Cade to have the opportunity to go out, get dirty, get in trouble, and come home for dinner and a bath.

off to catch up on "The Hills"

But why is all the Rum gone?

Jason says (11:51 AM):
am i gonna see you alot when im up there or prolly not
Sarah says (11:52 AM):
I dont know about me, but you'll have a lot of time with Cade.
Jason says (11:52 AM):
why not you
Sarah says (11:52 AM):
I dont know, I have other things I need to do
Jason says (11:52 AM):
good answer
Jason says (11:53 AM):
could just say you dont want ot see me
Jason says (11:53 AM):
that would work to
Jason says (11:53 AM):
but on that note imma go hop in the shower
Jason says (11:53 AM):
and go out and do stuff
Jason says (11:53 AM):
since im a loser and all and im not good enuff for you to spend time with



I don't get it. I don't know how to respond and be civil. I don't know why he continues to do this. I don't know how to get him to understand that there is no romantic interest, I just want to find a way for us to be friends and get along because of Caden.

For Real?

So FOB and I are instant messaging tonight and he fills me in that he talked to his mom yesterday and mentioned that my mom had flown up early with Caden. His mom gets upset that no one told her or "let" her see Caden.

Sarah says (12:29 AM):
Love your mom but she has no right to be upset
Jason says (12:30 AM):
well hes been in michigan how long and nobody let her see him
Jason says (12:30 AM):
thats why shes upset he is only her grandson and your mom is around him every single day
Jason says (12:31 AM):
and she gets to see him um never and she said she called you a few times

Sarah says (12:36 AM):
no one helped me with my ticket, no one has sent anything - money or otherwise - to help me with Caden in months. The last few times I've be in the area your parents have always had other plans they went and did rather than spend time with Caden. Even this time, they're going to their golf outing tomorrow rather than see him. So forgive me if I'm not about to bed over backwards to figure out...
Sarah says (12:36 AM):
when a good time is. They've called once, two days ago, I didnt get a chance to call back until tonight. I've been busy with finals, not avoiding anyone. Today is the first day that Caden was in the area, and I had assumed that I would be taking him over to their house tomorrow night
Sarah says (12:37 AM):
however, I guess now they're going to be busy so that won't work and they will have to wait until Saturday.



Seriously? Are we getting this petty and catty? Are they really going to get all pissy because my mom flew up a couple days early and went to visit my Aunt in another city and I didnt TELL them? I was unaware they cared so much about seeing their grandson, cared so much about seeing him that they'd wait a whole extra day before seeing him so they could go to their golf outing.

*eye roll*

Things are so much easier when I'm in Texas.

Leaving... on a jet plane.

Back in ten days.

I need to write more...

I used to write, a lot. I used to write stories, articles, novellas, just about anything you could think of. I had tons of nearly finished novellas that would sit on my harddrive for ages until I deleted them because I couldn't stand to see them all unfinished.

And last night as I was trying to get to sleep early because my son was not in the house to keep me up (a blessing) I realized how much I miss writing. I really really miss it. I miss creating the characters and getting to know them and watching them grow throughout the story. I miss not knowing how I want the story to end and being surprised when I finally figure it out.

I need to write again. I need to find a way to start and just do it, even if I only update once a week, I can devote an hour once a week to writing. Really it's not that hard.

Then again, when will I learn to not take on so much all the time?

ergh.

<3 Me

ps - Baby is in Michigan. Went up early with my mom.

Lock up them High Heeled Shoes...

For the next five days... I'm just a typical college student without an infant to chase around the house.

This feels like heaven on earth...



Of course, I cried myself to sleep last night knowing how much I'd miss him and had to pull him in bed with me and snuggle all night long.

<3 Me

*sniff sniff*

This morning Cade surprised us with a lovely "poop crib". He had somehow taken off his diaper and then filled his crib with clumps of carrot poop. Oh yes, it was the kind of poop that you can tell exactly what was for dinner the night before.

And it stunk.

So my mom held his hands so I could wipe the clumps of poop off his legs so he could go in the bathtub, and then I stripped his crib sheets & washed his crib down. New sheets were put on, it all was perfect. After lunch we were ready for nap time and I gave him his bottle and shut the door as usual.

For some reason today he couldn't go to sleep and screamed for 30 minutes before my brother came into the living room and goes

"I got him to stop crying."

"How?"

"I have him the monster thing and he curled up with it and went to sleep."

DOH!!! I forgot to give him a blanket to cuddle with. I snuck into the room and watched him sleeping, but having the crying hiccups every few minutes, the kind you get after you've cried yourself to sleep, and I felt bad.

I mean, I felt really really bad.

What kind of mother forgets to give her kid a blanket to nap with when she KNOWS he needs one.

aye.

Hate me if you want to...

love me if you can ...




Time to get back to studying for my tests next week. I have one on the nervous system and then the comprehensive final exam.

Toodles.

<3 Me

My Love Bug

Caden must be dyslexic. I go "Ma Ma" and he smiles and goes "Da Da" We play this game for hours some days and today I walked in to get him and he smiled at me and said "Da Da" I'm not sure how I feel about this exactly, although for now it makes the workings of a funny baby story for later years in life.

I talked to Jason last night and planted the first seed of having him sign away his parental rights. We agreed to talk about it more when we're in Michigan. I'm trying not to get too optimistic about everything, but it sounds like he is willing to think about it and consider it.

Blondie and I had talked a little about going out to celebrate the end of lab yesterday, but plans fell through and I spend my night with a cold beer and DVD player. It was a relaxing end to a long week. However today I've been feeling a little off. Like I'm getting sick perhaps? For the first time in months I took a nap today. I never nap, even when Caden was a newborn I hardly napped during the day.

There is a friend of a friend with a new baby this week, I offered to take pictures. I'll have to call on that later. See if I can come up with anything good.

To those who participated in my pissing contest yesterday, thanks for the time, hope you said everything you wanted too, but I'm now closing down the contest and leaving it behind. My final thoughts are as follows though :

I'm human. I make poor judgments. I make good judgments. Either way everything is always a learning experience and nothing should be turned into a grudge, especially over someone you've never met off line. I have a much better life now than I did before. I have more inner peace than at any other time in my life that I can remember, but I still have bad days and I still get upset and frustrated. Sometimes I just need to shoulder to whine and cry on with nothing more than someone to pat my head and tell me to wipe my tears and keep going. I'm emotional, what can I say, it's who I am.

I dont expect everyone to understand. I don't seek anyone's approval. I live my life for one purpose now, to provide for my son. To give him everything he needs. And part of doing that is to utilize the resources available to me. Although my finances are none of your concern, at the moment the only governmental aid I'm on is WIC. They give me $120 in checks each month for Cade's formula. I dont use the checks for cereal or juice because Cade doesnt eat either of those with any regularity. People tried to suggest that I shouldn't use the checks because I can afford the formula because of my parents. My parents aren't wealthy, and Caden is not their financial responsibility, he is mine. As long as I am making progress towards my own financial independence (finishing my education) I will use whatever the government has made available to me, and use it without shame or remorse.

The money saved from using assistance does not get spent carelessly. And how the money is spent is none of your business. You pay taxes. As soon as the money is handed to the government how it is spent is out of your hands. If they decide that I qualify for help with formula, that's their call. If the White House has the cash to blow billions and billions of dollars on a war for half a decade forgive me for not feeling guilty for accepting help with keeping formula for my son stocked while I'm a broke ass college student.

And I don't have a Gucci purse or Prada shoes. I havn't bought myself any new fashion clothing items since I've been pregnant. I don't drive a BMW because I don't have a car because I can't afford a monthly insurance payment. I don't have my nails done and when I do get a haircut it's at the mercy of my mother. I bought myself a camera off Ebay as an investment. It's an investment in a source of creative outlet for me and hopefully a source of income eventually. It was bought with the rest of my Christmas money & an advance on my birthday money. None of the government's money was used in buying the camera.

This bugs me though. That someone would think I'm milking the system while I'm doing exactly what it wants me to do. I'm getting my education at a lightening pace so in three years, JUST three short years, I'll be completely financially independent and wont need any assistance at all. Isn't that the end goal?

Anyway, like I said, pissing contest over. Any more pissing comments will be denied as I'm going back to my regularly scheduled blogging. Thanks & have a great day.


<3 Me

to explain

I deleted a post because I didn't feel it fair to bring someone into a pissing contest who didn't ask to be involved.

However, I'm still up for one and would encourage you to email me if you'd like to continue...

Ranting and Raving has left a new comment on your post "Because I feel like getting into a pissing match ...":

Don't flatter yourself, that was my first comment, and this will be my last.

I am not part of "some group" that keeps leaving you unsigned comments. I am simply an individual that has sat around and watched you bitch and moan about how horrible your life is, seeking sympathy and attention, when it seems you are better off than most.

You bring in no income, mooch off the government, bitch that you lost WIC checks when you probably shouldn't even be collecting them in the first place, complain about your free daycare situation, and yet you have the audacity blow money on an extravagent camera.

It's ironic that you mention some group hounding you when you've been blowing smoke and high praise up Trish's ass all day. You're like a little puppy dog that is lost without somebody to follow.


Trish stands up for herself. I like that. She doesn't deserve to be bashed the way she was. And my finances are none of your concern, but thank you for your thoughts.

I do take offense at your idea that I am mooching off the government. You and everyone else know my situation and living circumstances and if I use the resources available to me while I am completing my education so that I will not longer have to use government assistance in order to provide for my son, how is that mooching? That's what they're there for. I hardly moan about my life being horrible anymore, but like any other breathing human being I have complaints and useless vents. I get frustrated and angry and make mistakes and sometimes I even just need a good cry to clear my head. That's what this place is for. This is my cry place. I like it here. I can say whatever I want to say and there's nothing you can say to that. So, again, if you don't like me, don't like what I say, don't like what I do, please don't waste your time on me.

Lab is OVER!!!

Finished the last Lab test today. I made a 96 on it, so my grades in Lab are 98 on the first test 97 on the quizzes and 96 on the second test. Next week is the last lecture test and our final and then I'm FREE for a whole week before fall session starts.

*sigh*

It's a very good day...

So I must admit that I heard this song by Ingrid Michaelson and it's all stuck in my head and I can't get it out of there. I hate when that happens. And I'm the kind of person who will randomly burst into song just because I've been singing it in my head and I got to the good part and no longer can hold it inside me.

Yes I'm weird. I know. I like it.

We had a test today. To back up, last week Friday I did a session with a newborn (3 weeks) to try and get some practice in. My mom watched Cade for me and the second I got home she and I got into it (again) and spent the rest of the weekend giving each other the silent treatment. This is so frustrating to me. I feel like she is forever hounding me and criticizing me over things that she either has no input or control over, or that she needs to understand I have way to change. I'm in summer school, I work my butt off, I barely have time to do anything I want to do so forgive me if my room is a pigsty. It's really, honestly, not a priority for me. I dont care that the clean clothes are piled high on my bed. I know I should, but I don't. And I would love to help scrub the floors and do the toilets, but it's hard to dig out the chemicals and do that while Cade is crawling around. And when he sleeps, one I can't work on my room but two I'm usually studying.

Anyway, all that to say that I didnt get a lot of quality study time in over the weekend since no one was able to help me with Cade. It was fine, he and I had a good weekend together and go out and about. I even managed to get a couple cute pictures of him. But when it came to studying it was a no go nearly all weekend. A few nights I was able to look things over and sunday night I read through my notes slightly, but I went into the test expecting to get a lower grade than normal and have it be my dropped test. I ended up getting a 93 on it.

I'm so excited with how well I'm doing in this class. I love learning and having it be actually challenging. I was one of those lucky people in high school who never had to study because I always understood everything and I HATED to memorize facts because they seemed to useless to me. Why do I have to know that date in history? I dont care about the date, I just want to know what happened. But I'm thrilled things are going so well so far. Let's just hope I can keep it up this fall.

Speaking of... Blondie asked me today what class I'm in for this fall so he could sign up for it too.

*raise eyebrow*

All the fall nursing classes filled up two days after registration opened. Which I've said to him for weeks now. Thankfully though two women from my current class (Damn Precious & Bobbie [so named because she has a bob cut, ha!]) are taking the same class as I am so I will have some familiar company to study with.

Wednesday is our second lab test. I plan to stay after tomorrow until the tutorial lab closes to finish studying and hopefully pull another high A (managed a 98 last test) so I wont have to stress out about the final next week.

Back to reality...

Veronica - did you get my note?

Feeling the need for a new look.

I'm thinking it's time I sat down and redid my blog layout. It's getting a little old for my tastes.




Cade is doing good, just growing too fast. Way too fast.

It never works...

I keep telling myself that it's just because he's the first guy I've been able to interact with since being down here. Since J and I broke up. Since I got into the mess with B and started to move on.

I think I'm just horny. I can't get him out of my mind tonight. Don't really understand it. If I sit down and am honest with myself I can say he has qualities about him which I dont need. He's scatterbrained. Very smart, but seems to lack a sense of responsibility/ common sense / maturity. He's nice, very nice. Very Justin Timberlake-ish cute. (Looks like he's 15) And his momma likely does his laundry for him.

So very not what I need.

But, damnit, I need a date, a conversation with a guy, a casual flitation, a seductive evening, a spinning kiss... I need to get laid.

I know it's just the "first guy" syndrome. but it still sucks. *sigh*

Doesnt help that HE found my on myspace and added me. Just makes me sit there and think "How far can I push this flirting thing before something happens" I'm a good flirt, I know this, but that doesnt mean I should be using my abilities unless I have a reason. But, dammit, he flirted back!!! And he thinks I'm smart.

Do you know how cool that is? To have a guy think you're smarter than they are? Never had that before. Never had so many people consider me to be the "smart" one of the class. It's an interesting feeling.

Watched "Because I Said So" tonight. God that is so going to be my life. Seriously.

sleep.