Stuck

Cade and I are stuck at the airpost right now. I'm using my laptop while he's crawling around and making a mess. We still have about another hour to wait, been here for 4 already. :( So hard trying to keep him happy.

Jason impresed me this trip with how involved with caden he was. Its nice to know he does care for Cade a great deal, it's nice to have someone to share part of that with. It doesnt change his shortcomings or his past mistakes.

I'm excited to start putting together a portfolio ad try to get this to work. I'll post more of Angie's pictures eventually, they're very nice I'm pleased. I'm encouraged too to see how excited she was with them and how EASY it was to touch them up. It just makes me more excited that maybe I can get this to work, maybe...

I'm going to just leave you with that for now as I'm tired of being a mom and having to care for a cranky 8 month old in the middle of the airport. We were doing so well for awhile too and now he's about to fall apart. We're both tired.

Hopefully once I get home and get a good night's sleep I'll feel more like writing and updating.

My first time with a newborn... 8 weeks old but still small enough to make me cry and try to remember how quickly Caden has grown up himself.

I will write an update soon, hopefully tonight. Just been slammed. :-\

Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day!

Spent a lot of time the past two days with the Manns. They're loving on Cade and he's warming up to them and loving right back. It feels so good to see Hailey again and love on her smile. She's so sweet of heart, the world needs more children like her.

Jason and I took the kids to the park before dropping Hailey off at her mom's. We met another couple there with their 2 yr old boy and I ended up talking to the mother and set up a playdate for tomorrow at the park again. Invited Angie to come too hoping maybe Angie and ParkMom could become friends since both of them dont have many mom friends nearby. It made me a little frustrated that on my second day back to Michigan I run into and make a mommy friend but after nearly 6 months in Texas I've YET to make one. How cruel is that?

Jason and I also decided to take Hailey and Cade to the toledo zoo next week, and then I invited Hailey's younger sister, Layla, to come along as well so Angie could get a day to herself with 6 week old Ben. I could tell she was THRILLED. I would be too. And one more kid isn't much more work, infact they're likely to help entertain each other more rather than Hailey trying to smother Cade all day. I'll just make Jason pull the wagon with the girls and I'll push Cade's stroller. ;)

After getting Cade into bed, Jason and I grabbed and beer and he mentioned he had something he wanted to talk to me about before I go back to Texas. I have a very strong feeling he wants to talk about him and I getting back together. This just hurts me. I dont like having to tell him no. I'm soft. I dont like making people hurt. And I see more and more how deeply he thinks he cares for me. Why?

He talked about his car accident and how it was a wake up call. Good. It only took nearly dying in a car wreck when you were drunk off your ass (he blew a .14) to give you a wake up. Whatever. How can I have sympathy? He said he's been in a funk. Really? I wish I had time to wallow in my funk. I may have issues with my life, but I keep going everyday, keep pushing. I dont have the luxury of fucking up my life. He just IRRITATES me.

I dont know how I'll respond if he does talk about him and I getting together. I DONT want to be with him. Flat out, I don't. It's not even about him having to change. I just dont like for a minute the way he's treated me and what he's put me through. I will never allow my feelings for him to affect him seeing Cade, but I... argh. :-\ I guess it'll never end until I start seeing someone else and he is forced to see I've moved on.

Here's a few pictures of Hailey and Cade. :) I like them.

Test

Just a test to see if this is working... :) Hope you all like the eye candy attched.

Just a meaningless rant...

I don't understand.

Looking back in life it's hard to really understand sometimes the choices you made and the validation you came up with for making the choice you did. I've heard it's a part of life, part of growing up, part of becoming an adult; making mistakes and learning from them. It still doesn't help explain anymore the decisions I made and thought were OK.

I'm struggling with Jason.

I'm struggling because I want to remain on the high road, I want to continue being the better person (although it'd be best if he and I both could be on the high road together) and I want so earnestly for things to be the best they can for Cade.

I know I should expect it to be weird for Jason to be seeing someone new. It's the first time since he and I separated that I've know he was with someone else. And on top of that, he's still attempting to maintain a pretense of wanting and waiting to be with me. Maybe that is what is hurting me. It doesnt matter who lies, a lie always hurts. It doesnt bother me that Jason was kissing someone else, it bothers me that he came out and went "Hello Dear!" like he always does when he answers the phone, and then when her name came up instantly interjected "but we're totally just friends, everyone thinks we're sleeping together but we're not". One, STOP CALLING ME DEAR! I dont like it, it creeps me out, and I've never said it was OK. Two, I don't CARE who you are or aren't sleeping with. It's none of my business, and I'd appreciate it if you'd keep it that way.

I talked to Angie a little today, more horror stories about Jason. It just BLOWS my mind the things he does and how he can not realize how inept he is at life. I know I was there before Cade, I was the chick at the bar every weekend, getting trashed, likely drove a few times when I really shouldn't have, but I was 21. And it lasted 6 months. And it was brought on by a life shattering break-up (which was really the best thing that could have happened to me but like I wanted to believe that at the time it was happening) and it ended the moment I learned I was going to be a mother, have a child, and be responsible for another life.

Why hasn't Jason had an epiphany yet?

I think back to those first three months. Those dinners and bar tabs he quickly paid for. The doors he opened. The stories he told. The movies we went to and the interesting talks. I ask myself, was I really so blind? Was I really just refusing to see what was there? Or is he really just that good at telling a lie. Angie and I have often had conversations about Jason and his tendency to tell stories and spin a web of lies, for no reason other than he just does.

It just hurts right now. I can't wish I wouldn't have been with Jason, because then I never would have had Cade. I never would see that boy's face light up into a million rays of sunshine the second I walk into the door and his eye catches sight of me. I never would hold that boy while sleeping at night, feeling his chest rise and fall with each breath, and think about the things I want to do with him, the places I want to go, and the life lessons I want him to learn.

Truth is, I wouldn't have turned into the adult I am today, if it wouldn't have been for being with Jason and being blessed with becoming a mother to Cade. I owe him a lot for that. And maybe that's why this car wreck has me so shook up right now. I so very much want Jason to have an epiphany and grow up and become a man and a real father. I want him to feel the blessing of being an adult, a parent. But I know that it's likely to happen, and instead I'm stuck with his irresponsible ass who, when his daughter is missing after supposed to have been playing at a friend's house, decides he can't be late to his party in Detroit and leaves to go there instead of stay and worry where his daughter is and why she's not home waiting for him to pick her up.

like I said, it blows my mind away.

this isn't so good

Cross posted from another forum.

 

Background - DS - 8 months old. We live in Texas while I go to school, FOB and his family live in Michigan where DS was born. DS and I moved when DS was 6 weeks old.

 

It's finals week. I'm stressed. I'm also prepping to fly out on Saturday from Texas to Michigan so FOB can see DS and I can see my family for two weeks. FOB won't have DS the entire time, but these visits help allow DS as much regular access to FOB to attempt to foster some sort of relationship. (also with FOBs family)

So FOB calls tonight, I'd not checked my messages in a few days, finals, busy busy, and I answer to try and set up plans for this coming couple weeks.

He tells me he was in a bad wreck, totaled his car (the 7th car he's totaled in the last 10 years) ended up on the hospital for a couple days, etc. Oddly enough I felt myself thinking "why couldn't you have just died" and then pushed the thought away. We talked some more, and of course the accident isn't his fault, etc. Now he has nothing, etc. I just listened to his pity story with a few "mm hmmm"s and waited for the "catch".

He wants to move to Flordia.

He wants to move to Flordia with a GIRL who was visiting him. But they're not involved. *rolls eyes* Okay, so, I really don't want to be with him myself, and I knew eventually he'd get involved with another woman. But being that this is the FIRST chick he's been associated with that I've heard about, it's still a little odd. I guess just takes time to get used to the idea of him being with someone else.

Anyway, yeah, Florida. He claims there aren't a lot of jobs in Michigan (there aren't, but he also doesnt know how to look for them either) and the cost of living is really high in Michigan (not compared to Florida!) and there is a school down there he wants to go to for designing video games. (yeah, right) He's moving out of his current house in two weeks, doesnt know where he'll be living, etc.

I just want to scream and cry, and then at the same time I want to laugh and rejoice.

I dont understand why part of me wants to scream and cry. I think part of it is knowing that if he moves to Florida he's really not going to be able to see our DS or his other DD. Those two lil kids, I feel for them. I mourn for their loss. But was it really such a loss? I pity FOB's parents and family who have come to grow so close to these two children, and if he is gone, will they still be able to be involved and continue a relationship?

I also want to scream because I know I'll never see any money from him. I can do whatever I want too, and it'll never happen. I just want to get through school and start making money and be able to not NEED any support or help from FOB. The sooner I have a career the sooner FOB's CS check becomes easy to live without.

And right now I'm wondering why I gave DS FOB's last name.

How do I get someone's name off the Birth Certificate? LOL. Isn't it like two years with no contact and then I can petition to have his name removed so I can change DSs last name to mine and then later to whomever I marry and allow him to legally adopt DS.

Maybe that's why this is so unsettling to me. If FOB moves to Florida, I feel like he will be abandoning any and all effort to be a father to DS, to be involved in DS's life. Maybe he wasn't a good father or role model, but a part of me still felt firmly that DS deserved the opportunity to know his father at least.

Then the other part of me wants to laugh because I feel once FOB moves to Florida I'll be rid of him and won't have to worry about him or his family anymore. I'll finally be totally free to concentrate on DS and I and stop feeling obligated to involve this whole new side of family I never really knew and dont know if I like all that much.

Ladies. You are always so good at helping people get off their emotional rollercoasters and back to real life. Help me get there...

He is my everything, he is my life, he is my truth.

You are my inspiration in work and in play
In the verses I sing and the words that I say
You are to my life, what the sunshine is to the day
And you know that you're welcome to stay

Every candle has a match
And every Journey has a start
Every day has a sunrise
To motivate it's start
And like the cool waters flow
From the mountain spring
You are hope to my soul
That there's more than I've seen

You are my inspiration in work and in play
In the verses I sing and the words that I say
You are to my life, what the sun is to day
And I hope that you know that you’re welcome to stay

Why is it so complicated?

I get an email from FOB today...

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: XXX
Date: 01 May 2007, 10:48


emotionally free?? so i take it there is no chance for us what so ever?

---------------------

*scratches head*

I thought we already went through this?

Not to mention, this is the comment he was talking about, posted in a myspace "blog"


btw - I'm fantabulous at the moment. Lots of school shit to do, but I dont think I've been this emotionally free in months.

This has NOTHING to do with him. I replied back that it had nothing to do with him, and then he and I should work on being friends and letting everything else go so it didnt get messy and drama. Then he replies with "Too Late"

Ugh. Ok? I must have missed a memo here at some point or another.

On a brighter note, he did call later to tell me that "our son" (as he tends to call Cade) is beautiful and "we're" so lucky. Of course I know this, but it just is odd to hear him say it is all...



<3 Me

ps. I'm sorry you're hurt. You should know I never try to intentionally hurt you. I wish you'd know I love you and want us to be close. Every relationship is a balance, we just need to find ours.