is this me?

maybe i'm not the person i thought i was

maybe i'm not as wise and wonderful as i pretended

maybe i'm not as wholesome and good as i assumed

maybe... maybe this time i'm learing to see the truth through untainted eyes and it's killing me inside

once the magician reveals his secret you cant keep pretending...

time to face whats real, whats me, and figure out why i'm this way and not that. figure out how to make it better and get over the hurdles.

it only takes a leap of faith... question is... what do i believe?

So we have a smart ass on our hands here, huh?


Less than 2 weeks and I get to jet off to Michigan for a week and see all my beaches and get a night off from this whole mommy thing and get piss drunk. Does it make me sound like a bad mommy that THAT is what I'm looking forward too the most? Going out while someone else watches the baby all night and just getting trashed with my gals... eh. LOL.

I have soooooooooooo many assignments due this week and next and tests in every class. Ugh, it will not be fun. :-\ It's going to take everything in me to get everything done because I dont want to have anything left to do over break. I want a real break.

Cade surprised me tonight with a real deep down jolly belly laugh. We were playing tickle and suddenly he got going and really got into it and was laughing so hard that he couldn't stop right away. It was the most precious thing ever... seeing him like that. He's become so much more interactive these past few weeks, almost like a real little human... thing.

I'm slowly getting over feeling depressed and upset about stopping breastfeeding. With school and being stressed and trying to build my supply and it just got to the point where I couldn't do everything anymore, I HAD to choose. I miss it so much though. I miss holding him and watching him nurse and knowing that I'm the only one in the whole world who could do that for him. Everyone else could change him or play wtih him or snuggle him, but I was his mommy and I got to feed him. I just have to keep in mind that whenever I have another baby I'll be able to better prepare for this, and I'll be so much more educated on nursing and it'll be easier to continue...

so tired and church in the morning...

oh dear you look so lost, eyes are red and tears are shed

in the light of the sun, is there anyone? oh it has begun...
oh dear you look so lost, eyes are red and tears are shed,
this world you must've crossed...you said...

you don't know me, you don't even care,
you don't know me, you don't wear my chains...

essential and appealed, carry all your thoughts across
an open field,
when flowers gaze at you...they're not the only ones who cry
when they see you
you said...

you don't know me, you don't even care,
you don't know me, you don't wear my chains...

she said I think I'll go to Boston...
I think I'll start a new life,
I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name,
I'll get out of California, I'm tired of the weather,
I think I'll get a lover and fly em out to Spain...
I think I'll go to Boston,
I think that I'm just tired
I think I need a new tow, to leave this all behind...
I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of the sunset,
I hear it's nice in the Summer, some snow would be nice...
Boston...where no one knows my name...

so yeah...

I'm just really down and out right now. I just feel dead inside this week. I don't care about anything.

 

I'm so tired of being this unattached mother living with her parents. I'm so tired of never having anyone to talk to, to bitch with, and to talk shit too once the baby is in bed. I'm so angry all the time not because I'm a mom, but because there is NOBODY here who understands anything I'm feeling. I have no one to call and invited over for a beer. I have no one to come keep me company while I do flashcards the night before a test. I have no one to show up unannounced and tell me to take a shwoer and get dressed because we're going to take the baby out of the house for the day.

 

I told my mom last night I was mourning my old life. She thinks that means I'm missing life before Cade. I don't miss that. What I miss is the life I had when I had friends near me who cared about me and made sure I still had fun. Who came over and played with Cade and I, who went shopping with me, who cooked with us.

 

I'm tired of having my family look at me as if I'm a bad mom and say I'm neglecting my son or that I'm abusing him. I would NEVER hurt Cade. NEVER. I just hate it here. I hate not knowing anyone. I hate feeling guilty because I want a damn night off to go out and get silly drunk with the girls and giggle all night long. I want to feel like I have control of my life again. I just feel so stripped of my independance as a person living here.

 

And I hate how CRUSHED I am right now because of the comment someone made last night. He doesnt know how badly he's bruised my heart, and I doubt he even understands how much it still hurts. Saying that I "let" J knock me up so quickly, like it was MY doing somehow... *sigh* It wasnt said out of anger, but out of hurt, which hurts me even more.

 

On a brighter note, I had my DR appointment for the HPV, and she thinks it's low risk and I shouldn't worry, just stay stress free and not get sleep deprived. *snorts* With a 5 month old? Riiiiiiiight. ;)

 

*sigh* I just want to go home... When does this homesickness go away?

 

Nana fell last week and had a hip replacement. She's had to been taken to the ER twice already for a transfusion because of a low blood supply. *sigh* I feel so guilty not being able to take care of her.

Valentines

We're hanging in there at the moment. I bought Cade his next carseat, a 250$ Britax Decathalon - the best of the best when it comes to carseats, but this carseat should last him until he's 4 yrs old AT LEAST. I figure the investment will pay for itself when I dont have to buy another carseat in year or so.

He'll be 5 months in two days. I'm in shock. How did he get so big!

I've decided to file against Jason. I'm tired of waiting for him to get his shit together so I'm just going to take what's mine. I mainly want to gain full legal custody from him, so he'll never be able to just suddenly decide he wants to make decisions for Cade.

I will also file for child support. This part of the decision I wrestle with, but I have to say I've been so surprised at how I've received NOTHING from him, and his family hasn't offered anything either. Now, I dont EXPECT them too, but I would think they might feel awkward about the situation, knowing I left to move to TX because I couldn't count on Jason for anything, and they're not even sending 20$ to try and help me tide things over.

It's ok all in all. I'm getting along just fine and sooooooooo thankful right now I dont have to share Cade or deal with putting up with anyone else's BS about things. I'm just surprised. And since they're not going out of their way on anything, I wont go out of my way to try and help Jason either.

Tired, time for bed....

Love always,

Me

Argh

I just don't like it here. :-\

I've been avoiding posting because I dont want to admit things again. And the biggest thing I dont want to admit is how unhappy I am, still. My mom and I fight just to stay civil to each other most days, and everynight is a struggle to go to bed without crying. Part is depression I think, but most is just because this is nothing like I thought it would be. My family is nothing how I remember them.

I thought my mom and I would be cooking meals together and they would be helping watch Cade while I studied and I could take a shower everday. Instead I'm struggling to get my teeth brushed and wiping tears away.

I can't really explain everything about how I'm feeling. But I know I think about if I was in MI, how many sets of grandparents I could use as babysitters to go out and do something once in awhile. I think about J and how I could have him watch Cade for a day on the weekend where I could study and nap and play loud music and clean and not have a baby attached to my hip.

This just isn't home. And I'm tired of being so damn unhappy.

Are you sure...

Mother:
Are you sure he is not B's?

Me:
Not unless his sperm lived for 7 or 9 months. I'm not a hoochie.

Mother:
I wasn't saying you were.

Me:
Well I wouldn't sleep with two guys at the same time.

Like, seriously!

I'm sick, Cade is sick, everyone is sick. *sigh* At least I get a new laptop soon! *happy dance*

<3 Me

Can I just say..

I'm in some SERIOUS pain right now after yesterday's work out?

 

And lunges are EVIL.