Caden, I just wanted to say...

I just wanted to tell you how much I cannot wait for the first time we create our own tradition together. I want us to volunteer at a soup kitchen during Thanksgiving, to weed out our closets after Christmas and give to a shelter, to donate a percentage of our earnings to our favorite charity, to simply offer our help to a neighbor in need.

 

I want to teach you, son, the importance of random acts of kindness, and how you really can inspire change in the world. I want to teach you that Love is Action, and show you how to live a life full of positive experiences.

 

I want you to gain an understanding of how fortunate you are, no matter how low you feel, and understand that it's not always about you.

 

Dear Caden, please don't rush to grow up on account of me, but when you're ready, I just cannot wait to start showing you the world as I want you to see it.

 

Love,

Mommy

 

I know I need to get over it, and in a couple days I will but...

I spent nearly 100$ on FOB's daughter. I bought her a Baby Alive, a Bella Dancerella set, and a My Little Pony Bath toy... A few days before Cmas I took the toys to FOBs family where we would be spending the holiday and dropped them off so FOB Daughter wouldn't see them. Come Christmas Eve we're opening the family gifts and I notice that the ONLY gift FOB's Daughter received from FOB and I was the bath toy set.

FOBs Mother decided to take the two NICE expensive gifts I bought and make them Santa gifts without asking me, and then didnt bother to buy any nice Santa gifts herself. She bought a couple markers and coloring books, etc., that's it.

I know that FOB's daughter wont remember who she got the gifts from, but it REALLY pisses me off how I bought those things with MY money I'd saved because I knew she'd LOVE them and I wanted them to be from ME. I told FOB one of them could be from both of us because he has no money to buy gifts (again...)

And then when I got there Christmas Eve andd asked FOBs mom if she remembered to put any Santa gifts together for Caden because Hailey would notice Santa forgot her brother if there was nothing for him under the tree, FOBs mother looked at me like I was crazy and said "I guess I really didnt get him anything this year."

So then the gifts I bought him had to become Santa gifts and I felt like I had been made to be Santa for FOBs daughter and my son when I'm not working and not getting ANY money from FOB at this point. And that's the kicker for me, I have NOT pressed for CS yet, I have NOT asked FOB family for anything other than help with the plane ticket up to MI for the holidays, and I have not complained about anything. And here they go pouring money in their daughters wedding that's coming up in six months and leaving me to play Santa for their two granddkids when I'm not working and not married or even ENGAGED to their son. (They don't know we're breaking up)

To continune my sour mood rant, MY family also seemed a little stingy with Caden this Chistmas. I was sorta expecting them to help more with getting him toys and other items he'll need in the coming year and instead I received a bunch of outfits and cutsey little things. Only one grandparent gave me a check and told me to get whatever I needed.

I'm trying to not have to work while I got to school the next couple semesters, and I've made it very clear to my family I want to try to work as little as possible, so I thought they'd realize that money, gift cards, or useable items for Caden would be nice this Holiday... instead it seems like no one looked bothered to plan ahead and buy him things for 6 months or 9 months or 12 months and, instead, just got me some cutsey things.

For example, I received a Tiffany's Keyring.... Now, it's georgeous and I love it, but I know how much that must have cost and it makes me almost sick to think that I would honestly rather of had the money than the overly expensive keyring...

Or the necklace with "created" gemstones in it that was 200$ when the one I designed and am making payments on is only 125$ with REAL gemstones...

LOL, I feel like a wretched person for complaining about the very NICE items I got, but they're just not... useful? Maybe if I had everything for Caden it'd be nice to have such fine things, but a Tiffany's keyring won't help keep his butt dry...

And it begins...

This weekend is going to be the busiest of my life. We have a baptism, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, and twenty pairs of grandparents to visit.

 

I vote next year to simply take a relaxing vacation with me and baby and send everyone pictures in an email as their gift.

 

Cade is not sleeping well, which translates into Mommy being a bi*ch. I can't help it, and I feel terrible every time I yell at him, but I get so tired I can't think of ANYTHING other than getting back to sleep.

 

I wrapped Cade's gifts. One of them is a box to place gift cards in. My goal is to save the ones where people write cute messages on for him, and each christmas I will buy him a card and write him a note about how our year went and how much I love him and place it in the box. Eventually, when he is old enough, I will give him the box and he can go through all the cards and see everything we've done together and know how much I loved him from the start.

 

I also grabbed him a new lovey to cuddle with. He started drooling on it while we were still in the store and now at Nana's he can't wait to shove it in his face. ;)

 

I love the little bugger, even if he is a PITA right now.

 

<3 Me

Down In A Funk

I'm in a funk. I hate where I'm supposed to be spending my nights, and love where I'm not.

I hate how he can lay in bed next to Cade and hold Cade's hand and fall asleep just playing with his tiny fingers and little hands. I hate it because it's not fair that he is the one who looks at Cade that way instead of BioDad.

I hate how he can take my breath away with a single kiss and makes me melt into nothing.

I hate how often he tells me he loves me and wants to have my babies.

I hate how he can look at me as if I'm his whole world.

I hate how everything is too little too late.

I just want to do the best for Cade. That's all I want.

I hate how much I still love him.

I think for New Years I'd going to buy myself a journal to write down random lyrics and thoughts about people in my life that I want to remember. "In a box beneath my bed there are letters that you've never read..." I want to write letters to people. I want to tell Him how much I think of Him when I hear Hinder. I want to tell Cade I'm sorry I screamed at him this morning. It's not his fault, it's mine.

And now BioDad is telling me we need to head back to the Apartment because, of course, I'm finally sitting here contentedly typing this up and he can't stand to ever let me just do what I want if it doesnt involved paying attention to him.

When will he ever just let me go?

~ Mav

An Old Friend

Everyone has that one special love of their life. The one person they will never fully get over, the one they will always wonder what happened to them. The one they wish things could have been different with.

 

I happened to run into my "The One" the other day.

 

It's been very emotional, very intense, and very trying. He's confessed things to me I never thought I'd hear him say. Admitted feelings I never thought he'd feel. And made promises I don't dare believe he'd keep.

 

I'm not sure what I'm doing right now. It could be a mistake, but it also could be the start of a wonderful life experience.

 

I'll let you know when I find out.

Enjoying Each Moment...

Merry Christmas!

We're starting to get prepared for the holiday around here. Slowly we're bringing out the decorations and sorting through them and figuring out where we want them to go this year. It's so different for me to be a part of the family decorating process again. For so many years I was the head hancho when it came to decorating for the Holidays. I decided where the stockings would go and where the two foot tall fake pre-lit tree would be stuffed.

I also have always been the type of person who HATES to create a holiday gift list. I dont know why, I just never know what I want until days before the holiday and by then everyone else has finished their shopping.

I am not sure what I want to do about Caden this year. I don't think I should or need to buy him anything, but a big part of me feels like I'll be a "bad mommy" if I dont get him something for Christmas. The truth is, what could he really want or need from me? I dont have a lot of extra money to spend on him, and anything I would buy him would most likely be plastic junk that he'd destroy in a couple months. He's going to get enough of that fun plastic junk from everyone else why would I want to get him a gift from me?

There is something I wanted to talk abut today though. It deals with a very scary moment a couple days ago when I believed 100% that I was about to watch my baby boy die in my arms.

It started not being any different, Matthew was playing with Caden, Zachary was wanting to play with Caden, and I was trying to get my baby back so I could do my motherly duty of changing his diaper and giving him kisses on his not-so-bald head anymore.

When I finally took Caden into my room to change his diaper I noticed he was acting very tired and out of it. As I was changing his diaper he fell asleep in his crib. This was so totally unlike him that it alarmed me. Caden has NEVER gone to sleep without persuasive measures before in the past. I picked him up and held him for a moment in the rocker. He was breathing and moving ever so slightly, but he was most definitely not waking up.

This REALLY alarmed me, Caden normally will wake up if you even THINK about him waking up. Concerned since Caden has had a cold for the past week, I started to try to rouse him. I first talked to him, then started to move his arms and stroke his legs. Nothing. As I continued to try to wake him up I became more and more panicked. What was happening to my little boy? Finally Caden, while still breathing, went completely limp in my arms. He held no muscle tone and did not respond to even MY screaming at him, trying to get a response.

I was terrified that, somehow, he must have been jostled around while my brothers were holding him and his head must have moved too much and he had Shaken Baby. By this time the entire family is in my room with me, crying and trying to help me wake him up. I put him in the carseat and he still was totally limp and not waking up. In fact, Caden did not wake up until half way to the ER, and by the time we were checked in and being examined he was back 100% to his old self. The Dr. said she thinks because of his cold his sinus cavities were clogged and all the movement made him dizzy and light headed and he may have passed out for a moment.

After I got back home that night I carefully and painstakingly rocked him to sleep in my arms. I kissed his head and held his hand and watched him breathe beside me. I treasured every single part of him and thanked the Lord over and over again that he was still with me. I stopped caring that he doesnt sleep through the night yet, or that most of the time he can only be comforted by me and that he's such a mama's boy. I stopped taking him for granted and started to really enjoy and LIKE him again.

It amazes me how every single day when Caden sees me first thing in the morning he greets me with a smile and starts to excitedly coo and move his arms. He must know by now that I come every time he calls for me, but still each time I do he reacts the same, with great joy and excitement.

Every time we go by a bright light he stops whatever he's doing and will look directly at the light. He will stare in wonder as if trying to figure out where the light comes from. And he will smile and coo at the light to let everyone know he thinks it's amazing.

It does not matter how many times he sees me or how many lights he looks at, he never takes for granted that they are there. Why can't I be the same?

Why can't I respond to his cries in the middle of the night with enthusiasm and thankfulness that he's there in his crib crying for me? Why do I cringe when I hear his fussing on the monitor and knowing that he's waking up from a nap and will be needing me soon. Why do I so eagerly pass him off to anyone who walks by and wants to hold him? Why do I take him for granted so easily and without a second thought?

I know all too well how quickly they can be taken away from you. I know how heartbreaking the grief of loosing a child and never being able to see their smiling face again.

Maybe this will be my new year resolution. I want to stop taking people for granted. I want to not just HAVE friends, but enjoy them and know who they really are. I want to not just make lots of friends, but love and care for the ones I already have. I want to be the kind of friend that people are so thankful to have and who can help encourage people to grow and better themselves.

I want to live my life to the fullest and make myself proud. I don't want to ever be able to look back and realize I took ANYTHING for granted ever again. I want to learn how to say "thank you" to people for their love, support, help, and kind words.

Until next time...

<3>