Dearest Caden...

We've made it two months...

Two whole months together. Sometimes it amazes me that I've managed to survive and I've not killed either one of us in the process.

I love you with every fiber in my being. I hold you and cannot believe how something so amazing happened completely by chance between your father and I. No way you were an accident or by chance, someone knew how desperately I needed you in my life and designed you just for me. You with your smiles and coos and "Ga-Luuuuuuuuuu"'s.

We're had some interesting times together this past month. You had your first sleepover with Farm Daddy and Grandma Vicky. This was very traumatizing for me, as I could hardly sleep without your beside me. You see, little mann, you've become so ingrained into my life already that I am lost when I'm not around you. I no longer know how to occupy myself when you're somewhere else and I become agitated and count the hours until your return.

We moved to Texas from Michigan with a two day long car ride to get there. You handled it with grace and dignity by sleeping almost the entire way both days. I could not believe how amazingly good you were, thank you. I would have surely lost my mind had you fussed and cried and made the trip down miserable.

We're now living with Ama Lisa and the family here in Texas. It's been just over a week down here and you're still not quite sure. I can tell you miss your daddy, the cats, and all the family we have in Michigan because you no longer are the wonderful perfect happy baby I knew. Instead you've become incredibly high demands and fussy. You refuse to be set aside in one of the many swings and bouncer seats we have. Instead you have to be held nearly 24-7. You constantly want to nurse and when we finally do get you to sleep and set you down, you wake with such a sudden start and wail as if to declare to all the world that we've abandoned you and don't deserve to live.

This month has also been a huge test of my thoughts on parenting and my decisions on how I want to care for you and raise you. I want you to know, Caden, that I REFUSE to let you cry yourself to sleep. This is very hard on me, because you do not fall asleep easily and require a lot of attention and hands on rocking and soothing to lull you into sleep whether it be at night or just for a nap.

I also dislike allowing you to fuss too long when you're awake and unhappy. Obviously I allow myself to finish my shower, etc. But I make it a priority to tend to your needs as soon as I can when you're unhappy. I dont believe this is spoiling you, I dont think you can be spoiled at this age. I do think this is helping you to learn to have trust in me and in the world and you're learning that when you need something we will take care of you, thus helping to raise your self-esteem and making you independent later in life.

Not everyone agrees with me on this, and that's ok, they dont have too. And it's hard for me too when it's 3 AM and I've been rocking you for an hour and you wont go back to sleep and I give in to my desperate need for sleep and bring you into my bed and just fall asleep while you nurse. But I know in my heart this is how I want you to be cared for. I want you surrounded by love, knowing that you are loved so that you have the confidence in yourself when you are older.

My sweet Caden. This month has gone by so quickly. And now as I'm finishing this post I can hear you on the monitor waking up from your cat nap. Why can't you just sleep? You are the most lovey and cuddly lil boy, but you are also so particular and so stubborn. Things MUST be your way or you wont do it.

What else would I expect from two very stubborn and opinionated parents?

Love,

Mommy